Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty-Two

Dear Diary,

Y'know, I think I've decided I'm gonna stop worrying about focusing more on Aisling than I am on the negotiations with the Thames Pirates.

Okay, that is a lie. I'm not going to stop worrying because I decide to stop worrying. If I stop worrying, it will entirely be because I've forgotten that I'm supposed to be worrying. What I am going to do is stop beating myself up about it.

Seriously, while I am the Patron Goddess of the Alliance, and I do love my people and they love me back, there's a certain kind of impersonality to it. If one of them comes up to me with some desperate need, I'm definitely gonna help them out, no question, whether that means fixing the problem myself or handing it off to someone who's better at solving whatever the problem is. That absolutely goes double for any kids in the Alliance.

But my own personal kids just hit different. Which I might feel some kinda way about if I were talking about ones I'd cooperatively crafted with my lovely ladies, but I'm not. Shit, Aisling is, if anything, a 'late adoption', what with the whole teen thing, and she's the one I'm focused on at the moment. I think it's more that these kids in particular are the ones that look to me as Mama. As the one who is supposed to be watching over them, seeing trouble coming for them before it hits them whenever possible.

I do not like to think of how many times I've failed at that in particular.

Of course, focusing on Aisling has its own perils, as I discovered today.

So Marie and I wound up making a full on Rich Man's Port Fae banquet yesterday. Super crusty flatbreads, plenty of fresh veg, and a whole assed variety of different kinds of pate to spread on the flatbread. Most of it savory, sort of reminiscent of that organ meat or marrow Aisling liked.

Most of the girls seemed okay with the flatbread, although somebody probably named Menace snuck into the kitchen and brought out a big crock of butter, which everyone but Ria used to lubricate those crusts. Not gonna complain if they put a little food lube on their food, just so long as they're eating and not subsisting entirely on, for lack of a better term, junk food.

Of course, while I asked Karen to buy me a little time so I could make sure Aisling ate everything, I had to get to my Revel tonight. I'm focused on Aisling, but I don't want her to wind up a reason my Worshippers resent me, or her, or worst of all me resenting her for coming between my Worshippers and I. Which...

Fuck, I dunno, it's like I've got a job, and where with the negotiations I'm basically a passive participant, I'm anything but passive at my Revels.

Also I kinda wanted to see if maybe anybody knew where Aisling was from, because I wanted to track down whoever had hurt her and... Correct things. If they'd done so out of some kind of fucked up poverty situation, maybe help them out so no other kids got hurt, maybe after some gentle corrective actions. If they'd done so for the lulz, maybe play origami with them for a while before handing them over to my sister for a stay in Niflhel.

I did not expect to have the girl herself cling to my leg as I stood up and said, "be good, kids. I gotta head to my Revel now."

I looked down and quietly said, "I'll be back, I promise. Hailee and Menace will be here with you," but she just clung to me, shaking her head.

That's when, with all of my girls conspicuously distracting the rest of the Mom Collective, Hailee tugged on my shirt, with Maze and Ria standing close behind her. "Mama? Can we talk to you?"

Ladies, do you know anything about this? That got a collective 'no' from the Mom Collective. Okay. Karen?

Yes, Goddess?

Gonna need a few more minutes. Kids need to talk to me.

That got a chuckle. Hannah and Dorothea both wanted to talk to you about Children tonight.

Talk?

Does Dorothea ever want anything else?

I snorted while I gathered my three Fae girls and my kit and stepped to my office. Yeah, Hannah usually wants to do dry runs of making new ones.

Oh, she's rarely dry.

I shook my head. I'll be there as soon as I can.

We Worship you, Goddess. When you can, if you can.

I leaned on my desk so as not to loom, then lifted Aisling up to stand on the desk. That let me get a good look at her, something I hadn't done since... Well, since she arrived, and definitely not since she'd had a couple weeks of decent food along with Marie tailored clothing. I realized two things almost immediately. First, she really might be my 'littlest girl'; even if Menace could get smaller when she wanted, her 'default size' was about a head taller than Aisling. If I didn't know better, I'd clock Menace as a six or seven year old. Or maybe even an itty bitty nine year old, given her mom's size.

Meanwhile while Aisling was four year old height, she did not have four year old proportions. As I looked at my girls, I was forcibly reminded that Aisling's Status showed her as 'Adolescent', which came after 'Pubescent'. I wasn't dealing with a four year old, I was dealing with an itty bitty, horribly traumatized teenager.

"Okay, you four. I take it you wanted to talk to me about something regarding your newest sister?"

Ria took that moment to step forward and say, "I think these two," she nodded at Hailee and Maze, "mostly wanted me along as the ostensibly oldest of our sorority, as well as one of the more mature."

I blinked. "Sorority?"

"That is the term for a sisterhood, is it not?"

I chuckled. "Okay, yeah. Meant something different where I was from, but nothing bad, per se, so sure. Let's go with that. So, my oldest and most mature daughter, what's this about?"

Ria looked at Aisling. "Did you want to tell her?"

Aisling shook her head.

Ria turned to Hailee, who stepped up to Aisling, laid the fingertips of one long fingered hand on her shoulder and said, "correct any mistakes."

"... okay ..."

I scanned the four of them again, then looked back to Hailee. "This was something you felt comfortable talking to them about?"

She shrugged.

Ria explained, "she didn't speak with me about it. She spoke with Hailee, and the topic involved sex, so Hailee asked Maze to speak with her, since you've spoken directly with Maze about that, and then the two of them asked me to help them speak with you."

I glanced at Aisling, who nodded. I sighed. "Okay, yeah, I'm not sure I like where this is headed, but," I reached over and gave Aisling a gentle hug. "I'm not mad or anything. Just worried about you. You've been through a lot, and I don't want you to get hurt any more if we can avoid it."

"... know ..."

I turned to Ria. "So what did you want to ask me."

"Can we," she paused and looked at the others, who nodded, "come along to the Revel?"

I blinked, swallowing my impulsive bark of 'no' before it could get out of my mouth. Because while I definitely did not want my little girls going to a very much adults only Revel, I did not want them thinking I was mad for asking, either. "Revels are very much an Adult thing, girls. I don't want you getting exposed to things that you're not old enough to process."

Ria sighed. "I believe I'm the only Adolescent here who hasn't seen it already. And I am still a Novice in your Clergy. I would think observing a Revel would let me know if there is anything involved in them that would make me uncomfortable with progressing in your service."

Yeah, that had me rubbing my temple and sighing. Then I had a thought and turned to Hailee. "When did you see... You're not an Adolescent?"

"No."

"Yeah. So I might, and I stress might, if the Mom Collective is unanimous that it wouldn't be some kind of fucked up, allow an Adolescent to view... View, mind you, a Revel. Maybe. To be sure it wasn't... Fuck, I don't even think you ought to be viewing what's going on there."

"But they have."

"Yeah, well. Adolescents in theory have all their hormones flowing, and might need some education about that kind of thing. Pubescents are right out. They can get book learning about hygiene. And contraception, I guess, if they're close to experimenting age."

"So we can go?"

I turned to stare at Hailee. "What did I just say about Pubescents?"

"Not at Revels. Not relevant."

"Not..." I spluttered a moment, half glaring at my kit before I had a horrified realization. "May I Inspect the three of you?"

The three others chorused, "yes".

A moment later Aisling whispered, "... yes ..."

Yeah. Four Inspects later, I realized I was standing in a room with three Adolescents and one Young Adult. My fuckin' Kit was just over one year old and already a Young Adult. Also a fuckin' Psychopomp. This was the kind of fucked up my life has come to.

I closed my eyes. "You, Hailee, I am very uncomfortable with allowing to participate in any way, including watching, but..." I sighed. "I did not expect to have to deal with this particular bit of momming at my age."

"You adopted daughters very close to our age of maturity, Mama."

I shot Ria a flat look. "I'm well aware of that, as well as the fact that she is not one of them." I took another deep breath, then let it out. Thought about things for a moment. "Okay, Hailee. Why did you think this was a good idea then?"

"Aisling's Distress is lower now."

"Lower than what?"

"... Bath ..."

"The absolute fuck?"

Hailee shrugged, and Maze finally spoke up. "I've seen it too, and I kinda want to come along to support Ria, but I think Aisling was worried you were gonna hurt Mom. Or Marie. Or someone else. Or that one of them would hurt you."

"You've seen it? Seen what?"

"People having sex." She shrugged. "I grew up in mercenary camps, Papa. Nobody every touched me, but I was curious. So I watched."

I shook my head, then looked at Aisling and said, "this would make you feel better? Safer?" She nodded, then shrugged.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Saffron? Siobhan? Tallulah? Marie? Are you four hearing this?

We've been listening, love.

How the fuck do I tell them no?

I shouldn't have been shocked, but it still threw me when Tallulah replied, don't?

Dafuq?

Siobhan's sweet, soft thought trickled into my brain, tricking me into listening to it. Hailee is a Young Adult, it is her choice to make. Ria and Maze are your Acolytes, and they make a good point about needing more information on whether they wish to pursue that path. Finally, Hailee is in some ways more attuned to trauma than any of us, and if she says Aisling's trauma was ultimately reduced by seeing intimacy without pain or harm, I cannot see where seeing more of that is a bad thing.

Yeah. One problem. I'm really not copacetic with my daughters watching me do the deed when it's with one of you four. I'm certainly not comfortable with them watching me get my groove on with my Worshippers.

A compromise then, love?

Saffron's calm thought did not make me copacetic, but I thought back, go on?

Dorothea is your first Worshipper of the evening. Allow us to escort those four to the Temple restaurant while the rest of the family is in the Bath? Just so they can see what you're doing? That intimacy can take many forms?

I thought about that, then sighed. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not thrilled with any juxtaposition of daughters and Revel, but yeah, I can handle that, I think.

Let us know if things are too much, and we will whisk them away.

I facepalmed, then looked at my apparently teenaged girls. "I don't want to hear any complaints if you're disappointed. In fact, I need to focus on my Worshippers, so, y'know, I really don't want you distracting me, okay? That's not fair to you or them."

"Of course, Mama. We will be silent and stealthy."

I snorted, and a moment later the rest of the Mom Collective showed. With Aoibh attached to Siobhan, who noticed my look and said, "she's going to nurse until she falls asleep, Goof."

I rubbed at my face, then turned to the girls again. "You girls obey your Mamas, okay?"

"Yes, Mama," they chorused.

I stepped to my Altar, and in the act of doing so all the worry and distraction melted away as a wave of Worship flowed over me. I flopped onto my Altar and opened my arms as Karen led Dorothea up to me. "Goddess! Guess what?"

"What's up, Dorothea?"

"My oldest drew pictures of her brothers and sisters! Can I show you?"

Yeah, I vaguely expected fridge art. What she showed me weren't quite Raven quality, but definitely nicely drawn pictures of half a dozen rug rats of various sizes. Dorothea gushed over them as she sat in my lap and told me all about them. I encouraged her, told her how cute or handsome they all were, and celebrated all the little wins of momming with her.

I sang her a lullaby when she ran out of pictures and steam, then laid her gently on the bed.

By the time she did, right before Hannah stepped up to the Altar, it was well after midnight. Hannah slipped into my lap, into my arms, and whispered, "privacy, please, Goddess?"

I pushed my Blend up around her, whispering back, "what did you want, Hannah?"

I'd looked into that dark, secret place already, but sometimes people need more than anything to tell someone what they want and have them accept it. Accept them, and their needs as part of them. Of course, along with that Hannah needed to vent about pretty much every fuckin' thing about the school. Not that she was upset or wanted to quit or anything, but any job like that winds up with a million little things that bug you, and for those of us with functioning object permanence that shit builds up until it needs to be vented.

So Hannah vented while I held her. Some hanky and or panky may have been involved, all of it Blended into vague suggestions along with her venting, at least for everyone in the congregation. She ran out of steam sometime shortly before morning, at which point Karen showed up to greet the dawn with me.

Realized two things today. First, that my High Clergy can wrap their Blend around people too, which explains how I totally lost track of the fact that they'd had those four in the restaurant all night. Mostly sleeping. The kids, not the rest of the Mom Collective. They stayed awake for all of it. Aisling even complained sleepily about missing me 'being intimate', at which point I got to explain to her that what I did with Dorothea was absolutely intimate in all the best, most caring ways, which seemed to sooth her.

Second, that I never thought that anything would make me appreciate a day spent doing contract reconciliation, but bring your daughter to work day has definitely done so.