Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty-Three

Dear Diary,

Yeah, yesterday messed with my head a little bit.

Okay, probably more than a little bit. I am barely an Adult myself... Fuck, I'm still a Young Adult by everything Status says, and I'm pretty sure it's accurate. Like, I think I'm closing on being a genuine mature Adult, even if it's a struggle every step of the way. Okay, it's weird, but the early steps took more... No, they felt easier, but they were just as hard as the later ones, I think. Three years ago I was torn between thinking I'd never grow up and thinking I already was. Two years ago I realized that I wasn't, not really, but I was all screwed up in the head about what being an adult meant. A year ago I thought I knew what it meant, and my views on adulthood weren't wrong per se, but they were really superficial.

Also, by then I thought I'd made a huge amount of progress, and in terms of those superficial things I had, but I hadn't... No, I had made progress on the deeper things, and I'm not gonna deny myself that credit, those kudos, for making that progress, but the progress had been incidental to the actual things I'd done to make it. I was focused on clearing up symptoms, not fixing the underlying problems.

Or maybe not. Maybe I was looking like two levels too shallow. I worked out a whole ass schedule, was learning new things, teaching others to pass on what I'd learned, working to improve and defend the Alliance, and actually stepping up and doing the Goddess thing. I even got married again, at a big fancy wedding that I did most of the planning on. Okay, conceptually at least. I'm not saying that the wedding itself was progress, but it was a sign of progress, and the planning part was maybe the progress.

But I'm realizing that somewhere deep inside I've never felt like an adult because despite all the 'adulting', I'm not really fully in control of my emotions. No, that's not quite right. Nobody who's Passionate about shit is ever 'in control' of their emotions. That shit just happens. What Passionate adults do is feel their emotions, acknowledge them, but don't ever let the emotions have free reign to do whatever the fuck they want, because emotions are, in general, what I thought of as 'the id'. The part of somebody that's utterly self-centered in both time and space. Emotions will have you break important shit because you're mad, then get madder because the shit is broken, then break more shit.

I recognize that I've improved a lot. I did not let my emotions get the better of me dealing with the Kaiju, or Aphrodite, or even the Spartans. Although that last one... Yeah, that last one may have been due to an injury, but it was an injury that left me in a unique position, at least for me, to see what I'd done wrong. Not wrong in the 'good versus evil' sense, or even in the 'orgasms versus consent violation' sense, but in the practical, pragmatic, constant self-sabotage sense.

But I'm still all too frequently controlled by my emotions at exactly the wrong times. Or even not the wrong times, but times that wind up meaning I don't get enough preparation done for those times. Yeah, sometimes the Black Dog bites, but I gotta get better at stepping up and doing what needs to be done before I spiral or crash or spend hours or days or weeks rubbing my ladies against my sexy bits until I've acquired enough dopamine and serotonin to function again.

At any rate, this whole bit started with me talking about not being Adult enough to have a teenaged daughter, let alone a Young Adult daughter. Shit, I've got eight of those, and that is making my brain slip sideways, because now I have to give The Talk to eight grown assed kits. Okay, seven, because Siobhan did that with Hailee already, bless her.

Some part of me wanted to make a 'babies with babies' comment, but fortunately my head didn't get sucked into my own rectum. I am not a baby. Other than Aoibh, there are no babies living in East House. Okay, Aphrodite might count, maybe, from certain directions, but even little D is clearly... Y'know, last time I saw him he looked like he was ready for High School. At least the physical age of Ria or Maze.

But to bring this all together, I really think that whole 'babies parenting babies' thing cuts right through to the heart of my problem with my own reaction. Yeah, I think I did the right thing by handing the decision and responsibility off to my ladies, but I should have been able to make that decision myself. Should have realized that the four girls... The four young women talking to me weren't trying to sneak a peek at sexy times to fill their bean polishing banks, they were trying to see if seeing healthy adult relations would help their newest sister heal from whatever traumas she'd undergone. Shit, from what Hailee said, that's what happened when she hid in the Bath and watched Saffron and I.

She got a look at 'healthy' and realized that her assumptions about the world weren't. Healthy. Or normal, I guess.

And that helped her.

Which, as a mom, should really be my first priority.

Yesterday was a half day of finalizing the Privateering contract followed by a half day of reconciliation. As we wrapped up, Saffron said, "just to clarify, while we will be returning to this tomorrow, we'll be unavailable on Sunday. So if you'd like any special provisions for your crews or yourselves, please have those lists ready tomorrow so we can confirm those supplies are available."

Red opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it when John laid a hand on his shoulder and nodded to Anne.

Who said, "you know, all the supplies you've been providing us could be considered bribes."

Saffron just raised an eyebrow, then smiled and said, "we are not trying to bribe you." Then made me want to leave for the Bedroom when she leaned forward just a little, tongue darting out when she stared right into Anne's eyes and said, "would you like us to bribe you?"

Red snorted at that. When everyone turned to look at him, he glanced at his fellow Captains and said, "what? It's not like neither of you have taken a bribe in your life." While the other two spluttered denials, he continued. "I'm not saying you've broken your Agreements, or done anything anyone ought to anything about, but not a one of us would chase the ship that left a chest of booty in a dinghy when there's another ship in the convoy we can chase."

John paused. "You've had that happen?"

Red shrugged. "Merchantman from Venice did that in a convoy with some Phileo ships once." He nodded to us. "No offence meant."

"None taken."

At that point Red shook his head and looked Saffron up and down. "Not that I'd sell my crew out for it. Bad business that. But that bribe would be tempting if our holds were full."

Saffron didn't even blink, just turned to him, boy mode in full effect, and growled out, "your contractual obligations can be accommodated."

While he spluttered, the other two laughed. "Yeah, well. Maybe... Maybe we can come along with you on Sunday?"

Saffron took a deep breath, which given that she'd returned to her normal mode, made her bosom ample nicely. "Apologies, Captains, but as I may have mentioned, Sunday is a family affair. Perhaps you could spend it reconnecting with your crews, or speaking with them about the contract so far?" Before they could reply, she held out a hand to me; I crooked an elbow, she set her hand on it, and as she did I took the hint and Tallulah's hand and stepped us home.

As we sat down and I helped Marie bring out dinner, which today was slow cooked goat in a garlic butter sauce, accompanied by fried then baked potato wedges and a medley of steamed vegetables, I said, "need to talk with you ladies about something tonight."

All four of them looked... Not concerned, not quite intrigued, but clearly interested, but they just nodded and settled down to enjoy the meal.

Which everybody pretty much did. Even Aisling tried it, and while she seemed to like the veg more than the meat, she did at least eat a few bites of it. Don't want my kids malnourished or protein starved, but I'm not gonna force them to choke down full servings of shit they don't like.

After sitting all day for so many days in a row, I was kind of weirdly sore, and getting scrubbed down by Tallulah and Marie both followed by a long soak in the Bath really helped. Kinda weird but neat that Aisling went and helped Saffron and Siobhan with their shower. I half expected her to maybe team up with Menace and Daya or Davey, but still, while some immature part of me feels some kinda way about her connecting to her sisters and other mamas, that part is, as noted, immature, and can shut all the way the fuck up.

When we had all the kids in bed, we Co-Located up to the Bedroom. "What did you need to speak with us about, love?"

I pulled Saffron into a hug, entirely because that question opened a conversation I hadn't been sure how to start. "Hailee Inspects as a Young Adult."

Tallulah looked kinda shocked, and Saffron blinked, but Siobhan and Marie stared at me like I'd just said that water is wet. Or ice is cold, since water is what makes things wet. Total 'yes, and' vibe coming from them. Marie even said just that. "Yes, And?"

I snerked. "Okay, have you had The Talk with any of the kits yet?"

Siobhan quietly said, "I've spoken with Hailee about sexual activity, yes."

I shook my head, then scooped her to me as well. "Yeah, thank you for that, no sarcasm intended. I don't think I can be the only one talking to them about that, because some of them are less comfortable with me than they are with one of you. Not pushing it off on you guys either, but..."

They all nodded, and Saffron asked, "so what were you thinking?"

"I think we need to sit down with all the girls and go over the whole thing. Hygiene, contraception, consent, all of it."

Siobhan nodded. Marie shrugged. Tallulah tilted her head like she was still a little blindsided by the kits being, y'know, Young Adults. That's when Saffron barked out a laugh. "Here I thought we were joking when we said we'd need to have that talk with Isnomi at three years old."

"I mean, I think I kinda was. But," I shook my head, "I'm sure all of you have noticed she absolutely Shapeshifts to whatever age she thinks will suit her at the time. She's also not the most, uh, fuck..." I trailed off, and the others snickered a little as they realized what I was thinking. 'Yeah, mother's curse, one just like me, she doesn't always think things through. So if she decides she wants to try out being 'silly', we're likely to have a three year old with a nine year old's brain Shapeshifted into an eighteen year old's body. Which is a mother's nightmare waiting to happen even if we have gotten all that info I talked about into her head, and it gets exponentially worse if we haven't. So..."

Saffron took a deep breath and nodded as I trailed off. "I believe we all agree that the right time to have the discussion is before they're interested in such things, or when they show the very first signs at the absolute latest." We all nodded, and she deflated, chuckling. "As for nightmares, the fact that she is one of the most personally powerful Primordials in existence does not make me more copacetic about things."

"Yeah, we do not need to breed our own Zeus replacements with girl type plumbing." I nodded, trying to look decisive despite feeling anything but. "So, tomorrow?"

Saffron shook her head. "I suspect we'll all want to be fully focused on this." She turned to Tallulah. "Can Cailyn fill in for you on Sunday?"

She shook her head, but smiled as she said, "I believe she and my... Our son in law have plans, and I would rather let them continue their honeymoon. On the other hand, I believe Adrienne is fully capable of doing so." Some wonder still filled her voice when she said, "even willing to do so."

Saffron nodded as we all pulled Tallulah in for hugs. "So that's settled, we'll speak of this with the girls and Jack on Sunday. Perhaps the Doctors and your Father Loki could address any questions our Jack has?"

Dad?

Yes, Daughter?

We're gonna be talking with the kids about the birds and the bees on Sunday. Can you be ready to field any, y'know, guy questions Jack has?

I have every confidence your answers would be sufficient, but I will absolutely do so.

Thanks Dad. You're the best.

I know.

"Sounds like a plan. So... Sunday?"

"Sunday," my ladies chorused.

"Back to bed then?"

That's when Saffron kissed me. I didn't say that, did I?

Nothing athletic, and nothing that took all that long, because we all had work of one or more kinds in the morning, but we spent a timeless while in the Bedroom just... Caring for one another. Warm and squish and muscle and soft and slick and smooth.

Dreamt of the ladies putting very explicit boudoir shots of each of them up on the big screen, and absolutely adored how they kept switching back to Siobhan every time she put one of them up there. Woman has some very pleasant curves post pregnancy.

Today the Captains showed up with a modest list of minor luxury supplies. Wine, pastries, spirits, some odd bits that Swanson of all people quietly informed me were used to make shipboard musical instruments. Saffron okayed all of it, poking me in the brain with the fact that all of it put together was negligible compared to the output of Phileo, let alone New Amsterdam, yet still more than the Captains and crews would likely have to spend on luxuries if their voyages weren't very successful.

Spent the rest of the day in reconciliation. Which, y'know, would have been better without the dread of the conversation tomorrow, but... Maybe not. Maybe I'm finally realizing that stupid boring...

Oh shit. I just put it all together. Tomorrows convo and all this back and forth about Contracts.

Which is when I realized that they're just Consent negotiations on a much bigger scale.