Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty-One

Dear Diary,

I think I might have the beginnings of an understanding why some folks get into conspiracy theories or extremist movements or, fuck, even religion.

I'm talking about religion back in the day, where the 'evidence' was poorly translated two thousand year old books, unlikely but entirely possible events, pattern recognition gone awry seeing images in burnt toast, and really strong vibes. Because religion here and now is, pretty obviously, just the structure that grows up around a Deity. Seriously, my Worshippers have a whole assed religion, and I'm pretty sure there are bits and pieces that I never thought of nor officially approved that have worked their way into the thing. Hopefully not in a bad way, and hopefully I'll be able to smooth things over without causing a schism if things do start to go bad, but honestly at this point I think trying to micromanage what hairstyles my Worshippers favor would be just that, micromannaging things.

Thing is, I get why people join up with the Temple of Love here and now, because there are immediate tangible benefits to even just being a 'casual' Worshipper. I mean, even besides the potential to get semi-professionally hauled ashes for free at a Revel, there's also food if you're hungry, shelter if you're exposed, and Healing if you're hurt. I mean, I guess most of those were available in the better kind of Church or Temple back in the day, but the fundies had scared me and my friends so bad that none of us even showed up to any of them unless one of the old heads checked it out and told us it was safe beforehand.

But I think I'm starting to get why people wanted some sense that somebody, somewhere, was in control. Or, barring that, cultivated a desire to smash everything that resembled 'control', since it so obviously either wasn't genuine control or was genuinely evil.

When I realized what Aisling was telling me, I think I hid my internal reaction pretty well, but that didn't mean it wasn't there. I wanted to do unto somebody in ways that would have Lyssa saying 'holy fuck on a sticky duck, I'm glad I got what I got instead of that shit right there'. Y'know, if she were still around. Fuck, now I'm wondering if maybe at some point some of the real assholes I've eaten are gonna come back out the other end and wind up getting another go, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand, I want to say 'fuck that noise'.

On the other hand, I'm a Goddess of Redemption. I'm the Primordial of Second Chances, because one of the aspects of Change is the ability to Change oneself to become a better person. So maybe, just maybe, I'm going to do unto their Souls what I did unto Diana when she was Artemis. Maybe at some point there will be a Goddess of Righteous Rage in place of a Goddess of Rabid Fury.

Back to the control thing, in that instant I wanted to hurt somebody, but before I even finished hugging Aisling and letting her know that I loved her and nobody would hurt her again if I could help it, I realized something. I have no idea who hurt her. If I take her hurt out on somebody who didn't do it, what does that make me other than the latest anus atop shit pyramid.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that tearing someone a literal new asshole to stuff their head up is 'just as bad' or anything like that. But lashing out at someone who is innocent of the thing that infurated me... That might be. Sure as shit I'm probably not going to avoid atrocities when I find the person that did this shit to my little girl. Of course, having said that, I think I realize why I immediately want to surround it with caveats.

Ria.

If some poor dumbass Fae wound up inadvertently setting up this fucked up situation accidentally because of some weird compulsion, I'm gonna be hard pressed to get my proper righteous rage on. No, I cannot think of a single reason how someone well intentioned could wind up doing a snuff involving a kid, but if I've avoided one of the main fail states of Deities, it's that I do not think I'm omniscient. I sure as shit don't know everything. I barely know what I know, let alone knowing what shit I don't know.

So yeah. Barring some weird situation where something far beyond the pale has happened which just wound up with my little Aisling catching the shit flow from someone who has already Found Out, I am going to wind up feeling guilty again. Even if I'm looking at it right now and considering anything I do to be justified.

Yesterday we wound up finishing up the reconciliation of the first three contracts.

I wound up spending most of the day talking quietly with Aisling while I taught class of Cadets. I mean I was there for the final reconciliation, but other than signing off on it and acting as stenographer, I wasn't really focused on it. I think Saffron understood that, even if she didn't quite get why yet.

Mostly I was focused on ferreting out what Aisling liked and making sure there was plenty of that for dinner.

When I realized what Aisling thought of as 'treats', I got really, really pissed again. I mean, none of the things were all that weird in and of themselves. A kid liking marrow was weird, but not super weird given how much so many people here and now like nutrient rich portions like organ meat. A kid wanting her veggies blanched, which is what I took away from 'cooked, but not squishy', again isn't super little kid normal, but again from what I can tell she's in her teens, maturation wise. When she asked for fish without scales or bones, I got a little suspicious, but I didn't put it together until I asked her about baked goods.

She liked the 'crunchy parts'.

Crusts. Heels. Bones. Veggies that haven't gone bad.

I had to forcibly remind myself that she might have been living on the edges of society for a while. Dunno how long, even, since Ria's apparently almost Saffron's age chronologically. But some part of me deep inside chalked it up to whoever had hurt her, had left her with the impression that sex wasn't something loving partners shared, but something one person took from another along with their life itself.

I also had to work with Marie to make sure our new little girl got a feast that she'd enjoy.

Which, oddly enough, she seemed to. She certainly crammed more crusty bread into her mouth than she had full slices, and if the butter melted into some slices gave her pause, once she got a chance to savor it she nommed it down even faster. She liked the deep fried fish tempura once I told her what it was. She even liked the marrow bisque we made.

After a nice long soak, got scooped off to the Bedroom by Marie to celebrate our momming win. Dreamt of my ladies watching the livestream rerun of that and doing unto Murder Mittens as she deserved for such momming excellence.

This morning at breakfast, Ria came over to me and asked to speak with me in private. I Co-Located up to my office with her.

"What's up?"

She looked like she was fighting with herself, but I waited patiently until she said, "you made dinner tonight for Aisling, yes?"

I sighed. "Yeah. Was it that bad?"

She screwed up her face, then shook her head. "The preparation and presentation were excellent. I especially liked the extra crispy madeleines. But..." She sighed, slumped.

"It's okay, Ria. I'm not gonna be made at you. Just tell me. No pressure though. But I want to hear what you have to say."

"It reminded me of meals at the Overlord's Keep."

That kinda floored me. "Would you mind if we tried something like the food at the Keep tomorrow?" She made a face. "I can make sure there's plenty of salad and maybe some eggy grilled cheese paninis as well."

She shook her head. "No. No, I don't need a special dinner, although I would like that for lunch today maybe?"

I smiled and hugged her. "You got it."

So today along with teaching Math class and listening to the negotiations around the Pirates acting as Privateers, preferentially attacking the shipping of 'unfriendly' Cities, I wound up working with Marie to recreate the upscale Rich Man's Port cuisine. I maybe should have asked Tallulah, but she was fully engaged tryna make sure the Captains weren't screwing us over. Or getting screwed, I guess, since that's part of why she's here, to make sure that they're not forgetting or overstating something that naval or merchant ships might not need.

Not much super surprising came out of today's session, and I don't think everything's quite hammered out yet, but I'm pretty sure they're gonna start reconciliation tomorrow.

I'm not sure if I'm guilty or not that I'm really more invested in Aisling liking dinner than I am in the Pirates becoming our Privateers.