Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty

Dear Diary,

Y'know, I think I really need to pay more attention to my kids. Okay, yeah, that kinda goes without saying for any mom who's not a full time mom. Shit, any parent who's not a full time parent, because even I slip up and immediately slot 'parenting' into the 'mom' role, even though Lenny and my own absentee father have demonstrated the negative impact of abusive and absent fathering, while Dad and Larry have shown me that it can actually be done right. Okay, Lachlan's done the same, and it's really not right of me to forget him on any list of role models just because he's, y'know, dimmer than a twenty-five wat incandescent bulb.

Honestly I'm probably being a little too hard on myself, although even as I say that I'm not backing down on 'parents should pay more attention to their kids'. I do spend a lot of time doing nothing but being there and watching them more or less from the background, and lately I'm rarely on autopilot while doing so. I guess it's kinda funny that I can remember everything that's said during the negotiations even when I'm not fully paying attention there, although I guess the fact that I'm not paying full attention to crucial international negotiations might be a mark against me. Then again, I'm also thinking that maybe it's a better idea for me to be there as a witness than actively pushing things toward any given outcome other than 'peaceful coexistence'. Which I kind of do just by being there as a reminder of what happens if things aren't peaceful.

Part of me wants to spend some time making sure Saffron and Tallulah aren't using me like a big stick to force concessions from the Captains, but honestly at some point I need to trust my partners. Seriously, I still don't have true multitasking going on, which means I need to trust my subordinates. Which might wind up being a problem at some point if there's more than one problem that requires me to handle it.

I guess that's why Saffron handled the Kaiju the way she did. To show everyone, including me, that the people of the Alliance are capable of dealing with more than they think without me. I guess maybe that means at some point, once everything we've set out to deal with is dealt with, I'll be able to retire. Funny, it just occurred to me that there's a lot of connection between the 'retire for the evening' and 'retire from a profession' have a lot in common. It's not exactly 'quitting', it's 'stepping back'. Because I won't stop being a Goddess, but I might be able to step back from being ready to intervene on a moment to moment basis.

Could be fun, just sitting around in that cottage by the sea with Saffron. Maybe Marie and Siobhan. I mean, I want them there, I love them both, but somehow when I think about the place, I think of the two of us. Which gets me back in the negative headspace of not loving the others as much or right, but I know that's bullshit. The 'enough' part. I'm not sure if I'll ever be totally convinced I'm doing it right.

Then again, maybe that's what Saffron is waiting for. A lull deep enough that the Imperator and Patron Goddess both being in a family way won't be an immediate threat to the safety and stability of the Alliance.

Just gave myself a bit of a chill below the waist, in the weirdest good way I've had in a while.

At any rate, spent yesterday teaching Math and playing stenographer for the negotiations. Okay, that's not quite right. Saffron does specifically ask me to weigh in on things that have either taken a long time to hammer out or that everyone's agreed on almost immediately. Funny, but Redbeard actually called her on that, or rather on my silence.

Okay, what he said when I nodded and said something like 'Sounds good' was, "I find it odd you haven't been more active in our negotiations."

I thought about it for a second, then decided just to be honest. "Yeah, I'm a Goddess."

He pursed his lips for a moment. "This does not explain your detachment from the proceedings."

"I thought you'd prefer that?"

He shrugged at that. "I have concerns."

"About?"

"You saying later that you are not bound by these agreements because you didn't fully participate in making them."

My temper flared a little at that, but I kept it in enough that nobody noticed. Nobody flinched at any rate. When I had my shit together, i sighed and said, "nah, I'm not gonna do you like that. I make an agreement, I stick to it, see it through, even if I don't like it after. I mean, so long as everybody else holds up their end, or didn't pull some shady shit while we were bargaining."

"Such as?"

I shrugged. "If you guys wanted payment in advance, and we gave it to you, and then you guys had new elections for Captain aboard your ships, and said the new Captains weren't bound by the agreement, I might get a little annoyed."

"How annoyed?"

I thought about that, my head tilting. "Hold your ships still while I take the payment back, then maybe slap each of you and the new Captains upside the head for pulling a fast one annoyed."

John snorted. "My wife has done worse to our children."

That set Red off a little. "So you'd treat us like children?"

"I mean, in terms of relative power level, you are." I nodded to Saffron and Tallulah. "I love these two, but even there I could literally pick them up and send them home if I had to." Before he could respond, I decided that made my point. "I think I said this before, but in case I didn't that's kinda why I'm holding back in the negotiations. I'm gonna try to keep things moving forward if I need to, and Saffron's getting me to okay anything she thinks I need to, but I've got ultimate veto power if I need to use it."

"So why are we negotiating with them instead of with you?"

I snorted. "Because you guys might each be smarter than me, and you're definitely more well informed about the details of the situation." While he was still blinking at me calling him smarter than me, I added, "every smart leader I've met has known how to find experts, listen to them, and even put them in charge of their area of expertise. In this case," I nodded to Saffron and Tallulah, "diplomacy," I shifted to my left and nodded to Tallulah and Swanson, "naval and maritime shit," then waved a hand at the Captains, "which you guys know as well. You're also way more knowledgeable about what your people will accept. Which brings up the question of whether you're gonna put these contracts to a vote?"

"With our crews?" asked Anne. I nodded, and she turned to the others. "I will, and it might take some convincing, possibly even amendments to our Articles, but I'm confident they'll all agree."

Red snorted. "My men will agree, because their Articles say they will." When the other two looked at him, he shrugged and said, "I have authority to negotiate with other ships and ports outside the Thames." He nodded to Swanson. "He's a ship captain."

Swanson just chuckled. "Actually no. These three are, though."

When the Pirate Captains looked a little aghast, Saffron cleared her throat. "He's right. He's an Admiral. His proper focus is the fleet itself. Tallulah and I each Captain one of the Tentacles, although my First Mate and Executive Officer do most of the work, make most of the decisions."

"While you take home most of the pay?" sneered Red.

Yeah, my Kitten didn't take that lying down. "We take no pay as Captains. It is a holy calling for us. But our crews are well paid, as are our officers."

Red chewed air for a bit, then frowned. "I still don't like being treated like a Child."

I shrugged. "Sorry, dude. If you're really into being treated as a not-Child, you could stop by the Revel at some point and I'll do some Adult things with you. Afterward."

"Why not during?"

"That's for folks who have volunteered at my Temples. So, y'know, if you volunteer there for a bit, that could be arranged too."

"Or donations of significant size, eh?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Made that call early on. If you got skin in the game of making the word a better place via my Temples, your skin gets my best game during my Revels. You want a prostitute, there are plenty of those working at the Temples, they got Skills to be worth the cash. But for my personal attention? You need to invest more than money."

Red froze for a bit. Then nodded. "Surprisingly principled."

"I'd take that as an insult, but I've met some of the other Deities."

"Some?"

I frowned a little. "My Dad is solid. Loki, in case you didn't know or forgot or something. Sigyn's cool too. Same with most of the Maenads I've met. Diana's in a much better place since I pulled her head out of her duodenum." When they all looked confused, I said, "part of your intestines. Means her head was so far up her ass she was looking into her stomach."

They all laughed at that, then, by a kind of unspoken mutual agreement, let the subject of why I'd been quiet drop and got back to negotiating.

When we got home for the day, Marie had something not entirely unlike lasagna waiting. Like, not the same filings. The cheese had more flavor than ricotta, the thing had no tomatoes whatsoever, and I'm pretty sure I tasted spinach. The whole thing was savory enough the kits liked it, though. I mean, Marie's cooking. Our kids know well enough now that even if it's not their favorite item on the menu, it's gonna be good.

Bath time was soothing and entirely unspectacular. Cuddled up in the middle of the puddle of family, Aisling tucked between Saffron and I, and dreamt of my ladies dunking Tallulah and Saffron in to my Maw headfirst, steam shooting out every time they did. Guess they're working overtime what with the Captains basically having them outnumbered three to two diplomat wise. Then again, maybe the ladies were taunting them. It's hard to pick out details sometimes in dreams, and my Mimic dreams were still Mimic dreams.

In the morning, I set one of me to help Karen and Lachlan with training the Cadets, one of me playing with the kids, one of me in the Homestead Kitchen with Marie learning to cook that spinach feta filling, and one doing the stenographer with veto power thing aboard the Black Dragon.

Some time after lunch, Aisling looked at me and said, "... up ...?"

I reached down to give her uppies, and she shook her head, pointed upward, and repeated, "... up ...?"

It took me a second, at which point I nodded, picked her up, and Co-Located to my office, carrying her with me. Just to be sure I stepped one of me to the entrance to Menace's Shrine and looked around, but I was right that they'd gone down the Bore to get to the stables, not up to her Shrine.

Once I knew we were alone, I carried her outside and asked, "did you want to talk about something?"

She nodded, opened her mouth, then sat there silent for a few moments. I waited, very careful not to prod her, because I suspected that might be worse than just talking over her. Eventually she spoke. Quietly, but not the breathy, almost inaudible whisper she normally used.

"In the Bath?" I just nodded. "I saw you."

Yeah, that made some sphincters clench until I realized I'd had The Talk before, and after all I did sort of think of Aisling as a teen, not a little kid.

But I kept my mouth shut until she said, "why?"

"You're talking about Saffron and I having sex?" She nodded. "Because we love one another and enjoy making each other feel good." I frowned the tiniest bit and added, "you know it's not nice to spy on people, right?"

She looked a little sheepish, then said, "I was scared."

I sighed. "Okay. I'm not really mad. I don't think Saffron will be either." I thought for a second, then said, "if you'd said something, I could have Co-Located down to the bedroom with you, let you go to sleep instead."

She shook her head, then shrugged. Eventually, after I waited a moment with my mouth shut, she said, "but why though?"

"Why would I Co-Locate to the bedroom with you? Because you're my daughter and I care about you getting enough sleep. Enough rest, where you feel safe."

She shook her head, "not that."

"Then what?"

She screwed up her face, concentrating for a bit before forcing out, "you both lived?"

I blinked, confused, and something must have shown through on my face, because she flinched a little. I scooped her up and cuddled her until her keening stopped, saying soothing little nothings. I had to focus on that, had to keep myself calm, soothing, and above all nonthreatening so my little Aisling would know I wasn't mad at her.

Because I remembered what Doc Glass had said about her being abused. Specifically that she showed signs of sexual abuse. And now I realized that whoever had done that had left a little girl, my new daughter, with the idea that sex was a blood sport.