Chapter 131 — I Don’t Know

Chapter 131: Chapter 131 — I Don’t Know

~ Raven ~

Raven didn’t answer straight away.

She thought of Cassian finding her during the Hunt, of the relief she had felt before her wolf said something Raven herself hadn’t understood. Since then, there had been the books, the questions she had trusted him with and the way she kept finding reasons to speak to him, despite how quickly he could make her regret it.

She was drawn to him. Pretending otherwise would be pointless.

But had she chosen him?

"I don’t know."

Dante studied her, and Raven waited for him to look pleased. She hadn’t said yes, which she suspected was the answer he had been dreading.

Instead, he asked, "Does that bother you?"

She glanced down at the reins.

"Yes."

The mare shifted beside her, and Raven rested a hand on its neck.

"My wolf apparently made her choice before I even knew what was happening. Everyone heard her, and then they wanted me to explain it as though I understood any of it myself."

Dante listened without interrupting.

"I’ve spent enough of my life having people decide things for me," she continued. "I don’t want this to be another one."

"Then give yourself time to work out what you want."

Raven looked at him.

"Before the rest of us convince you we know better."

She hadn’t expected him to include himself. She searched his face for the teasing remark that usually followed, but he was watching her seriously, and for once she didn’t know what to say.

Then the mare nudged her hand, and Raven looked toward the stables.

"We should get them back."

Dante nodded, falling into step beside her.

They had reached the wider avenue when Raven noticed someone approaching from the other end.

Nikolai Hale.

She couldn’t remember the last proper conversation they had shared. Somehow, between Cassian’s books, Rowan’s account of the Ardens and everything involving Dante, she had barely spoken to him.

Bellringer’s joke about him falling behind came back to her. She pushed it aside before she could start thinking about her own life in terms of that ridiculous poll.

As Nikolai drew closer, she noticed his expression.

His shoulders were set, and he walked with none of his usual ease. There was a tightness around his mouth that made her wonder what had happened.

Dante followed her gaze.

"He’s been like that since the Hunt."

"Like what?"

"Easier to annoy. Harder to find when you need him."

Raven looked at him. "Why?"

He shrugged. "No idea. He says he’s fine."

She turned back toward Nikolai, trying to reconcile the man approaching with the one who had walked her back to Hale and laughed at her comments about the Cardinal heirs.

He noticed them.

His expression eased, and he lifted a hand in greeting. Whatever had been bothering him, he seemed willing to put it aside for the moment.

"Prymont. Rivers."

"Hale," Dante replied.

Nikolai glanced at the horses.

"Been riding?"

"Apparently, that’s his idea of a walk," Raven said.

"And you survived."

"Despite his best efforts."

Dante turned to her with an offended look. "My best efforts went into keeping you alive."

Nikolai’s mouth curved. "I’m sure there’s a story there."

"There is," Dante said, looking far too pleased at the prospect of telling it.

"And he’ll leave out the part where I won," Raven added.

Nikolai chuckled, and for a moment, he seemed more like the man she remembered.

"Then I’m sorry to miss it, but I have somewhere to be." His attention returned to her. "You’re all right?"

Raven nodded. "I’m fine."

"Good. I’ll see you around."

He continued along the avenue, and Raven watched him pass before turning back toward the stables.

She almost called after him.

But Dante had started walking again, and she followed, still trying to decide how she would begin asking Nikolai about the Ardens.

~~~

By the time they handed the horses over, Raven’s legs were beginning to ache. She suspected getting out of bed tomorrow would be an unpleasant experience.

She stroked the mare’s neck once more before the stable hand led it away.

"We’ll do this again," Dante said.

Raven turned toward him.

"I haven’t agreed to that."

"I’ll give you time to recover from winning."

"How considerate."

"I have my moments."

He was smiling again, and after the conversation on the path, she found herself almost relieved to see it.

"See you soon, Rivers."

"Is that a warning?"

"Very soon."

He walked away before she could answer.

Raven stood in the yard for a moment, watching the stable hand lead the horses inside. Then she turned back toward the academy.

Her thoughts returned to Nikolai.

She should probably have stopped him. The Crown wouldn’t share his account of what had happened two years ago, but he might be willing to tell her something himself. Even if he couldn’t discuss the attack, he might help her understand what Melissa had lost.

Dante’s comment troubled her too.

Nikolai had changed since the Hunt. Perhaps that wasn’t surprising after what had happened, especially given what he had already survived. Still, she wanted to speak to him properly instead of trying to judge how he was from a brief exchange on a path.

Then there were the headaches, which she hadn’t stopped thinking about since Dante mentioned his.

She glanced in the direction Nikolai had gone, considering whether to look for him.

Not now. She didn’t know where he was headed, and she needed to think before she started asking questions.

More urgently, she needed food.

~~~

The first pair of students went quiet as she approached the main buildings. Raven noticed, but kept walking.

Farther along, a boy nudged his friend and looked toward her badge. A group near the steps turned to watch her, resuming their conversation only after she had passed.

She couldn’t be bothered.

For a little while, she had been outside with the wind in her face, enjoying herself enough to forget that everyone in Valerius apparently had an opinion about her. Now she was back among people who had watched Bellringer, heard about the First Circle and decided they knew what she was doing.

There was still the Crown to worry about, along with Blackthorn and the rank she hadn’t asked for in the first place.

I miss the horse.

At least the mare had only expected her to give clear directions.

Raven pushed through the cafeteria doors and slowed.

Conversations faltered at the nearest tables. Someone looked up, then someone else followed their gaze, until she found herself facing far more attention than she had the patience to endure.

Cutlery clinked against a plate in the sudden lull.

Oh, come on.

For a moment, she considered leaving. She could find something to eat later, when the academy had discovered another person to stare at.

Then her stomach tightened with hunger, and she spotted her roommates by the windows.

Thalia noticed her first.

She immediately leaned toward Tessa and Brielle, saying something Raven couldn’t hear.

Raven narrowed her eyes.

What the hell was that?

Tessa glanced toward her, then back at Thalia. Brielle stayed focused on their table, and none of them called her over.

Raven couldn’t tell whether they were still angry, trying to give her space or discussing whatever had prompted the rest of the room to stop talking.

She wished they would at least look at her long enough for her to work it out.

Instead, she took a breath and headed for the food.

Fuck it. I’m eating.

Collecting a tray should not have felt like something she could do incorrectly, but with people watching, even reaching for a plate made her self-conscious.

She took roast chicken, potatoes with gravy and roasted vegetables, then added warm bread. Combat class and the riding had left her hungry enough that she refused to care what anyone thought of the amount.

At the desserts, she hesitated over a small apple tart.

After today, she was having the tart.

Raven added it to her tray and turned toward the tables.

Now she had to find somewhere to sit.

Her eyes went toward the windows again.

"Raven."

She stopped.

The voice had come from nearer the centre of the room.

Adelaide Fenn sat with the other women who had approached Raven outside Hale. Rosalind Crowe was beside her, watching with the same cold expression she had worn during their introduction.

An empty chair stood next to Adelaide.

"Come and join us," she said, gesturing toward it.

Raven looked at the chair.

Around her, students turned to see who had called. Even those who had resumed eating were paying attention again.

You have got to be joking.

She had wanted a meal. Somehow, she had ended up holding a tray while the First Circle invited her to confirm everything Bellringer had implied about her.

She remembered the students who had made room for her before any of this, pleased to see someone without a powerful House wearing a Seat badge. Now they were watching Adelaide offer her a place among the women accused of keeping people like them out.

The invitation sounded perfectly friendly.

Accepting it would look like an answer.

Raven glanced toward her roommates.

They had gone back to eating, all three keeping their attention carefully on their plates. Thalia didn’t look up. Tessa reached for her drink, and Brielle cut into her food without glancing toward the Circle.

Raven knew what it looked like when they were absorbed in a conversation.

This wasn’t it.

She looked back at Adelaide, who was still waiting beside the empty chair, then toward the table by the windows.

Her arms were beginning to ache beneath the tray, and apparently the entire cafeteria needed to know where Seventh Seat Raven Rivers intended to eat.

Oh, fuck me.