Chapter 72: Who I Really Am

Astrid’s POV

Raven was gone.

The company gave him a proper send-off ... a farewell befitting the Minister of Foreign Affairs. And just like every other time he left, his imprint settled back into my skin like it had never gone anywhere.

You can’t just get over a person you’ve fucked. No matter how wicked and heartless you decide to be about it, the body remembers.

And I was not wicked. I still had a little heart left in me.

I finally got what I thought I wanted from Raven. That was what the unfinished business between us had always been about. Maybe that was the only reason he came back in the first place.

It was better with him gone.

At least my heart could stop racing every time I looked up and saw his face. I didn’t want to see him again. He was a complication I couldn’t afford ... every time he got close, he got me into trouble.

But once I came back to myself, I couldn’t figure out what I actually wanted. Did I want sex, or did I want love? Because those were two very different things, and I had been mixing them up for too long.

Raven didn’t love me. He said he did, but I had heard those words enough times that they had stopped meaning anything. I couldn’t be fooled by them anymore.

Draven had loved me. But I used the circumstances around us to pull myself free, and that distance I created drove us apart for good.

Ethan loved me ... in his words and in his actions, consistently, without condition. And somehow, I could have done to him exactly what I’d done to the others.

My own tendencies shocked even me.

It was something I needed to work on. I couldn’t carry this pattern into a marriage. I refused to.

Acting normal around Ethan after everything took real effort. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. In most things I was transparent, honest even ... but not in this. Not now. My character was genuinely questionable, and I knew it.

Ethan had done so much for me since the day we met. Coming clean would be a blow straight to his back, a betrayal I wasn’t sure either of us could survive. And even thinking about it made my own chest ache.

"Pick the best wedding cake, Astrid." He dropped a cake catalogue in front of me with a smile.

I stared at it, but I wasn’t really seeing it. What I’d done kept creeping back ... pressing against my ribs, demanding I speak up. I swallowed it down.

"I like the yellow and white one," I said.

"Perfect, I’ll let the caterer know."

"Wait ... what about you? You didn’t tell me which one you liked," I said.

He leaned down and pecked me on the cheek.

"It’s all for you, baby," he said.

Tears nearly spilled out of me right then and there.

"Come here, Ethan," I called softly.

He stepped closer. I kissed him ... slow, deliberate, like I was trying to mean it hard enough to make up for everything I hadn’t said.

"It’s me and you," I told him when I pulled back. "I love you so much. I want to do this life with you ... this one and whatever comes after."

I meant it. Mostly. I wasn’t sure it came from the very bottom of me, but it came from somewhere real.

"You’re the best thing that’s happened to me," Ethan said. Then he kissed my forehead and left.

I sat with that for a moment before getting up and heading straight to my parents’ house. It had been a while since they’d seen me, and I needed to be somewhere that felt like home. I tried not to overthink what my dad’s reaction to the wedding news would be. My mom I wasn’t too worried about.

I drove down.

My dad was working in the front yard when I spotted him through the windshield ... head down, focused, hands in the earth like always. My mom was probably inside.

The car didn’t make much noise pulling in, but my dad had always had a way of knowing when I was near. He raised his head before I even got close.

And then he smiled.

I hadn’t been sure what I was going to get from him, so that smile hit me somewhere deep. I broke into one of my own immediately, and by the time I parked, I was already swinging the door open.

"Hey, Astrid!" he called out.

"Dad!" I ran straight at him and jumped.

He actually stumbled and went down, both of us landing in a heap.

"What have you been eating?" he asked from the ground.

We both burst out laughing.

"Dad, you’re so hilarious," I managed between breaths.

"Lyra, come out ... Astrid is here!" he shouted toward the house.

My mom appeared almost instantly, and we pulled each other into a long hug.

It felt so good to be with them again. Something in me settled that I hadn’t even realized was unsettled.

I was glad my dad had gotten past the tension between us from before. I wasn’t myself when he was angry with me ... I never was. My mom had called several times too, and I knew I’d missed most of those calls while buried in work at the office. But I was here now. Everything would get answered today.

We went inside and just... existed together for a while. Talking, laughing, catching up on things that didn’t matter and things that did.

"So you’re a big lady now," my mom said eventually, raising an eyebrow. "Where are our royalties?"

"I brought something," I said, "but please, don’t be shocked."

"What is it, Astrid? You’ve always been full of wonders," my dad said. He never stopped surprising me with how he could be funny without even trying.

I took a breath and let it out.

"I’m getting married."

Silence.

Both of them just looked at me for a few seconds, and I sat there reading nothing, bracing for everything.

Then ... "You’re serious!" My dad’s whole face broke open. My mom was already on her feet heading for a bottle to pop.

"I’m so happy for you, Astrid," my mom said, pressing her hand to her chest.

"Really?" My voice cracked a little. I couldn’t help it. The moment felt surreal ... almost too much to hold. I half expected someone to pinch me because I had never imagined it going like this.

"Dad," I started, dropping to one knee, "I’d like you to do me the honour of..."

"Don’t say another word, daughter," he cut in, his voice thick. "I’ll walk you to the altar."

I stood up and let myself cry. I didn’t try to stop it. The hugs that followed were too warm and too many to count.

"My daughter. My pride. I love you so much," he said into my hair as he held me.

"Ethan, right?" my mom asked when we finally settled.

"Yes, you remember him?"

"Why wouldn’t I? You’re my daughter." She smiled. "So when is the wedding?"

"This weekend, Mom."

"Beautiful," they said together, perfectly in sync.

I found peace in that house that evening. I didn’t want that day to end.

"I’ll get your outfits sorted ... don’t worry about a thing," I told them.

My mom drew me aside quietly.

"I wish you the best of married life," she said. "It’s something to truly enjoy when you commit to it properly. Your father and I have been enjoying ours all these years. I’m here for you, Astrid ... whatever you need."

"Thank you, Mom. I mean it."

"Do you know what happened with your sister Selene?" she asked then.

"Yes, I saw everything." I shook my head. "She is a whole drama queen. I cannot wait to see what her next season looks like."

We laughed. My dad didn’t join us ... the joke clearly hadn’t landed for him ... so I let it go quickly and moved on.

On my way out, a message came through from Ethan. He wanted us to have dinner with some of his friends ... a kind of informal introduction.

I’ll be there, babe, I replied.

"I trust he’s a good man," my dad said from the doorway as I headed to my car. "Otherwise you wouldn’t be saying yes."

"He is," I said. "I’m choosing someone who actually puts me first."

I got in and drove off ... home first to change into something better, then on to meet my fiancé and his friends.

My parents stood in the yard and waved until I turned the corner and disappeared from their view.

I was sure ... as sure as I had been about anything ... that I was not making the wrong decision by choosing Ethan. Marriage wasn’t something to stumble into. It was intentional. It was a choice you made with your eyes open. I knew exactly what I was walking into.

The things I had done couldn’t be undone. But I was going to be better. I owed that to Ethan. And if I was honest with myself, I owed it to me too.