Chapter 280: It Hurts so much

Sylas staggered back a step, and he felt as the world seemed to tilt beneath his feet.

He had died.

He had died knowing Theo was still alive in Cain’s hands. And in the darkness, when death had swallowed him, he had fought.

God, how he had fought.

He had clawed his way through pain and oblivion with one thought burning in his mind.

Theo.

He had wanted to see her again. He had wanted to hold her. He had wanted to tell her that she had done enough, that she had nothing left to prove, that she was already everything he could ever want.

He had wanted to come back and give her the life she deserved.

And she had been alone.

She had been alone, and she had wanted to die.

A sound escaped him. It was small and powerless and broken.

Theo heard it and looked up, and she found him staring at her with an expression she had never seen on his face before.

It was grief.

The kind of grief that came when you realized someone you loved had been suffering in ways you hadn’t even begun to imagine.

"Venom," He whispered.

She shook her head violently again, screaming, "No. Don’t."

"Sweetheart—"

"Don’t call me that!" She dragged herself backward through the mud, her hands slipping beneath her, "Please don’t call me that. Please. I can’t—" Her voice cracked into another sob, "I can’t bear it."

Sylas’s entire body trembled, "Bear what?"

"YOU!" The word exploded out of her, and she immediately broke down harder, "Both of you! Your voices, your faces, the way you look at me! The way you touch me! The way you love me like I’m still someone worth loving!"

She then pressed both hands against her chest, "It hurts! It hurts so much!"

Zeke’s tears were falling now. He didn’t even try to hide them, "Oh, Hellcat..."

"I don’t deserve it!"

"You do!"

"I DON’T!" She slammed her fist into the mud, "You don’t understand! You don’t understand what it feels like to know what he was doing and still lie there and let him do it willingly! You don’t understand what it’s like to remember that you could have fought, that you could have tried, that you could have done something, anything, and you didn’t!" She was shaking violently, "You and Sylas fought him for years, even when he took everything away from you. You never gave up, but I..."

Zeke looked as though he had been struck, and Sylas’s eyes were also filled with tears he couldn’t hold back anymore.

Theo saw them. She saw the looks and that just seemed to only make everything worse, "Stop looking at me like that," She begged. "Please. Please, don’t look at me like that."

"Like what?" Zeke asked, his voice barely audible.

"Like you love me."

"Oh, baby." His face crumpled completely, then he dropped to his knees in the mud.

Theo immediately tried to move away, but he didn’t grab her. He didn’t force her into his arms. He simply stayed where he was, close enough for her to hear him and far enough that she wouldn’t feel trapped.

"I love you," He whispered.

She shook her head, crying.

"I love you so fucking much, Hellcat. And I’m not going to stop because you were hurting. I’m not going to stop because you couldn’t keep fighting. I’m not going to stop because you were too tired to save yourself." He wiped his face with his palm, but the tears kept coming, "You were alone."

Theo made a wounded sound.

"You were alone," He repeated, his voice breaking. "And we weren’t there. That’s not your fault, and neither was what happened to you!"

She stared at him.

"You think we came back from the dead just to find out whether you were strong enough to survive without us?" He shook his head, tears dripping from his chin, "Fuck, Theo. Is that what you think we want from you?"

She couldn’t answer.

"Do you think we love you because you can fight? Because you can kill someone? Because you can stand in front of an army and scare the shit out of everyone in it?" He laughed once, but it was broken and wet, "I love you because you’re you. Because you’re the woman who look at me like I’m not the most infuriating bastard on this planet, even though we both know I am."

A sob escaped Theo.

"I love you because you’re the woman who put her hand on my chest and told me you missed me, even when you couldn’t remember my name." He pressed a hand to his own heart, "I don’t give a damn how many times you fall apart. I don’t give a damn if you never want to fight again. I don’t give a damn if you wake up tomorrow and tell me you can’t do this anymore...I just want you here."

Theo stared at him through her tears.

"I just want you alive."

That was what she wanted too.

She had wanted to be alive. She had wanted to wake up and find them beside her. She had wanted to hear Zeke’s ridiculous laughter and Sylas’s quiet voice. She had wanted to feel their arms around her and believe, even for one impossible second, that everything was all right.

But wanting something and believing she deserved it were two entirely different things, so she looked away and said quietly, "I didn’t know you were coming back. I didn’t know you were fighting. I didn’t know you were trying to come back to me. I thought you were gone. I thought you were gone forever, and I didn’t know how to live with that."

Sylas sank to his knees, and the mud soaked through his clothes. He didn’t notice.

"I know," He whispered.

"No, you don’t!" She replied and looked at him. The anguish in her eyes made him wish he could take the words back, "You don’t know what I felt when I realized you were gone! I couldn’t feel you anymore. I couldn’t hear you. I couldn’t find you anywhere, and I kept reaching for you even though I knew there was nothing there!" She dragged a trembling hand across her face, "I would reach for you instinctively sometimes, and I’d forget for a second. I’d turn around expecting to see you, and then I’d remember. Every single time, I’d remember."

Sylas bowed his head, the rain running down his face.

Theo pressed both hands over her mouth, but the sobs kept coming, "And then Cain would come in, and I’d look at him, and I’d remember that he was the reason you were gone. I’d remember that he killed you, and I’d think about all the things I wanted to do to him." She looked up again, this time her eyes bloodshot, "But I couldn’t even save myself, " A fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks again, "I couldn’t even do that."

Sylas moved closer, slowly enough that she could push him away if she wanted, "Theo, listen to me."

"I don’t want to hear it." She shook her head, "Stop!"

"I can’t." His voice broke once again, harder than before, "I can’t stand here and let you believe that you have to punish yourself for what he did to you."