Chương 98: Chapter 98: Father and Son

While the bizarre diplomatic wrangling and time-traveler shenanigans were occurring elsewhere, Thor was gracefully landing at the absolute best sunset viewing spot on the Bifrost cliffs, holding Jane Foster securely in his arms. 

"It seems someone beat us here. But we must respect our elders, so let's leave that spot to them," Thor said playfully, trying to sound charming and considerate in front of his mortal girlfriend as he noticed two figures (Tony and Pepper) in the distance. 

"You're technically an 'elder' compared to them, aren't you?" Jane laughed, playfully shoving his chest. 

Thor chuckled, wrapping his arms around Jane's waist and resting his forehead against hers. 

Jane looped her arms around Thor's neck, turning her head slightly to gaze at the breathtaking Asgardian sunset. Overwhelmed by the stunning cosmic scenery, she was just about to say something romantic when she suddenly noticed the heavy, metal war hammer Thor was still rigidly gripping in his right hand. 

? 

Why are you still holding your weapon during a romantic sunset date? It totally ruins the mood! 

Jane sighed internally. She suddenly remembered their very first meeting on Earth, where this meathead's absolute first priority had been frantically searching for his precious hammer. A sudden, bizarre sense of romantic rivalry sparked in her heart. 

"Thor... could you maybe put your hammer down for a minute?" Jane whispered softly into his ear. 

"Uh..." Thor fell silent, looking down at Mjolnir, then back at Jane's expectant, slightly annoyed expression. He considered it for a moment. "I think it is significantly safer if I keep holding it. The outer fringes of Asgard can occasionally be dangerous, and wild beasts sometimes roam the unpopulated cliffs." 

Seeing the sheer disappointment rapidly settling in Jane's eyes, Thor awkwardly scratched the back of his head with his empty hand... but he stubbornly refused to let go of Mjolnir. 

Jane was ready to scream in frustration. How can a literal god be this incredibly dense?! 

Just then, Jane saw Mjolnir violently rip itself out of Thor's grip and fly away! 

Oh! You're playing hard to get by throwing it away so you can hold me with both hands? You sneaky devil! 

Jane was momentarily thrilled... until she realized Thor hadn't thrown it. Thor let out a roar of absolute, unadulterated fury, his entire body erupting with blinding lightning as he violently launched himself into the air! 

"WHO DARES STEAL MY HAMMER?!" 

Jane watched the supposedly 'romantic' God of Thunder fly away at Mach 2, completely dumbfounded. 

You literally just abandoned your girlfriend on a cliff to chase after your hammer?! 

Jane facepalmed in absolute exasperation. She had officially lost a romantic rivalry to a literal block of metal. 

She felt a profound, inexplicable sense of utter defeat... 

"Ah, the chaotic blooming of spring romance..." a voice suddenly echoed nearby. 

Jane jumped, thinking Thor had actually realized his mistake and returned. She looked up, only to see Luke standing there with a highly amused expression. 

She quickly greeted him and proceeded to vent her immense frustration regarding her meathead boyfriend's priorities. 

Luke rubbed his chin thoughtfully. This is definitely not a simple misunderstanding. 

Just then, Frigga's voice echoed in his mind via a magical communication link. 

"Luke, could you please come to the private lounge for a moment?" 

"Uh, I'm currently dealing with a slight situation over here. Thor's hammer just inexplicably flew away on its own, and he's currently chasing it like a madman toward the palace. I should probably go make sure he doesn't destroy anything." Luke watched the trail of furious lightning tearing across the Asgardian sky. 

"Actually... I currently have another Thor in my lounge..." 

? 

Luke frowned deeply. Two Thors? A time-traveling Variant? But their temporal anchor point should have been in 2012, during the Battle of New York! Why the hell did a Thor travel to 2013, during the events of 'The Dark World'?! 

Unable to make sense of the timeline anomalies, Luke decided he needed to see this for himself. He took flight and raced toward the Royal Palace. 

Having informed Luke, Frigga turned back with a warm smile toward 'Fat Thor,' who was still crying and eating simultaneously. "Your Uncle will be here shortly." 

Fat Thor nodded heavily. At that exact moment, a familiar, glorious whistle echoed through the air, and Mjolnir violently smashed through the window, landing perfectly in Fat Thor's outstretched hand! 

Staring down at his precious hammer, which he hadn't seen in over five years, Fat Thor let out a booming, genuinely joyful laugh. 

He was still worthy! He was still the God of Thunder! 

"Please tell the 'me' from this timeline that I'm just borrowing it for a little bit! I'll return it shortly! Honestly, he probably won't even notice it's gone!" Fat Thor chuckled heartily, suddenly pausing as a bizarre thought crossed his mind. Wait... did someone borrow my hammer back when I was younger too?! 

"Uh... I think you might want to explain that to him yourself," Frigga gave him an incredibly strange look. Clearly, Fat Thor was entirely unaware that the Thor of this timeline had already fully awakened his innate divine power... 

Fat Thor looked at Frigga in confusion. Suddenly, a deafening roar shook the lounge. 

"WHO DARES STEAL MY HAMMER?!" 

A figure radiating blinding, apocalyptic lightning violently crashed through the doors, glaring furiously at the occupants of the room. 

"WHO ARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU IMPERSONATE ME?!" Thor roared, his eyes crackling with raw electricity as he stared at the heavily bloated, ragged figure holding Mjolnir. 

Not only do you dare steal my precious weapon, but you have the absolute audacity to impersonate me while looking like a pathetic, bloated slob?! Have you absolutely no professional standards for your illusions?! 

Seeing the thief clutching Mjolnir, Thor didn't waste time talking. He lunged forward, throwing a devastating, lightning-infused punch directly at Fat Thor's face! 

Fat Thor was completely caught off guard. How the hell did he already awaken his true power without the hammer?! Isn't he supposed to be completely powerless without Mjolnir at this point in the timeline?! 

(Author's Note: Just imagine the scene in Avengers: Endgame where Fat Thor casually summons Mjolnir from 2013 Asgard, and the 2013 Thor desperately chasing after it like a confused puppy.) 

Having no time to process the timeline discrepancies, Fat Thor instinctively channeled his own divine power. Blinding lightning erupted from his massive body as he raised a thick arm to block the incoming punch. 

BOOM! 

"Oh, you mimic my lightning well, illusion!" Thor roared, his fury intensifying. Are you trying to completely replace me and steal my throne?! 

Fat Thor forcefully shoved the younger Thor backward. "I TOLD YOU, I'M JUST BORROWING IT! I'LL GIVE IT BACK IN A MINUTE!" 

"DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST 'BORROW' IT WHENEVER YOU PLEASE?!" Thor roared back, completely unhinged. 

If someone just randomly kidnapped Jane and said, 'I'm just borrowing her, I'll give her back in a minute,' would you be okay with that?! NO! 

"It's just a hammer, not Jane! Why are you overreacting so aggressively?!" Fat Thor yelled back, genuinely confused. Was I really this insanely obsessed with Mjolnir back then? 

...Oh wait, I'm currently obsessed with it now, too. Never mind. 

Fat Thor stared at Mjolnir, absolutely refusing to put it down. He looked at the enraged younger Thor, absolutely refusing to punch himself in the face. Completely conflicted, he looked helplessly toward Frigga for intervention. 

Thor followed his gaze and also looked at Frigga. 

"MOTHER! LOOK AT THIS THIEF!" Both Thors yelled simultaneously. 

Frigga, who was currently calmly eating one of the pastries she had prepared for Fat Thor, simply watched the spectacle with mild amusement. Knowing that neither Thor would ever actually inflict lethal harm on the other (or themselves), she was perfectly content to watch them bicker. 

You dare try to steal my Mother's affection, too?! Thor stared at Fat Thor in absolute, unadulterated disbelief. 

Thor went completely berserk. He fully unleashed his awakened power, launching himself at Fat Thor like a living lightning bolt. Fat Thor sighed heavily, his own lightning flaring as he threw a heavy punch to intercept. 

"ENOUGH!" 

Luke violently crashed into the room. He stomped his foot heavily onto the marble floor. Dozens of thick, pitch-black dark energy tentacles instantly erupted from the ground, violently wrapping around both Thors and slamming them hard onto the floor, completely immobilizing them! 

"Uncle!" Thor yelled happily, despite currently being tightly bound by demonic tentacles. 

"This bloated imposter appeared out of nowhere and stole my hammer!" Thor immediately tattled to his elder. 

Luke nodded, turning his attention to Fat Thor. He hadn't gotten a good look earlier, but now, examining the time-traveler closely, Luke was genuinely stunned by his sheer girth. 

Are you sure you aren't Volstagg wearing a blonde wig?! 

Seriously, how did he get this fat?! I remember him being thick in Endgame, but this is ridiculous! Did the sheer, crushing trauma of Infinity War literally drive him to eat his feelings until he became a sphere?! 

How much money did the fast-food franchises in New Asgard make off him alone?! Note to self: investing in fast food after the Snap is a guaranteed goldmine! 

Luke casually released the younger Thor from the tentacles. He then forcefully yanked Mjolnir out of Fat Thor's desperate grip. To Fat Thor's absolute, horrified disbelief, Luke casually twirled the legendary hammer around his finger twice before tossing it back to the eager younger Thor. 

"Are... are you truly my Uncle?" Fat Thor asked hesitantly, staring at Luke in absolute awe. He casually lifted Mjolnir! If I had an Uncle this impossibly powerful in my timeline, I definitely would have remembered him! 

"Oh? So you're my depressed, overweight nephew from a doomed parallel timeline?" Luke walked forward and firmly patted Fat Thor's shoulder. The sheer volume of fat on his shoulder jiggled violently with each pat. Duang Duang 

"You know I'm from a parallel future?" Fat Thor frowned, completely ignoring the blatant fat-shaming as he registered Luke's immense physical strength. 

"Obviously. During the Chitauri invasion, I ran into your timeline's Tony and Steve. They explained the whole 'Time Heist' plan to me. I just didn't expect you guys to jump to this specific year." 

"Wait, so they grabbed the Stones and went back already?!" Rocket Raccoon suddenly popped his head out from behind Frigga's flowing robes, looking panicked. Frigga, completely unfazed by the talking raccoon, gently offered him another pastry. 

"No, they didn't. I currently possess the Space Stone and the Mind Stone. The Ancient One currently possesses the Time Stone," Luke explained, watching the raccoon eagerly snatch the pastry. 

This trash panda is an absolute genius. He can literally build a weapon of mass destruction out of a broken battery and some wire in a prison cell. He's arguably the greatest weapon-smith in the galaxy. 

"So they just went back empty-handed?!" Rocket yelled in disbelief, nearly choking on the pastry. 

"I explicitly told them that once I personally collected all six Infinity Stones in my timeline, I would travel to your reality and snap everyone back myself," Luke replied casually, feeling an overwhelming urge to pet the fluffy, angry raccoon. 

"Are you actually going to help us?" Rocket stared at Luke, his cheeks bulging with food. 

"Do you really have a choice? It's not like you guys could possibly fight me and win," Luke casually reached into his pocket and pulled out the Space Stone and the Mind Stone, casually rolling the two infinitely powerful cosmic artifacts around in his palm like a pair of stress balls. 

Seeing the two legendary Infinity Stones casually being used as fidget toys, Rocket and Fat Thor's eyes practically bulged out of their skulls. 

Seeing their reactions, Luke smirked and casually pulled the Reality Stone (Aether) out of his other pocket. 

"So, big guy. How about you show me exactly how powerful the 'Future God of Thunder' really is?" Luke grinned, tossing the three Infinity Stones up and down juggling them. 

"YEAH! KICK HIS ASS, THOR!" Rocket cheered enthusiastically, clearly wanting to see a fight. 

Fat Thor glared at Rocket, rolling his eyes. "Do you not see the incredibly powerful dark magic currently binding me to the floor?!" 

If this guy can effortlessly immobilize me with a casual wave of his hand, why the hell would I try to fight him?! Do I look like I'm completely drunk?! 

Luke looked at Fat Thor's surprisingly pragmatic reaction and then glanced back at the younger Thor. "It seems you actually develop some semblance of intelligence as you age." 

"What?" Thor asked blankly, happily polishing Mjolnir with his cape. 

Clearly, the current Thor had absolutely zero intelligence. 

Luke rolled his eyes. "Jane is currently standing completely alone on the Bifrost cliff waiting for you. If you don't want her to give you the silent treatment for the next week, I suggest you fly back there immediately!" 

"Oh! Right!" Thor finally remembered his girlfriend. He shot a final, highly annoyed glare at Fat Thor before violently launching himself out the window. 

Luke looked helplessly at Frigga. "You might want to focus on teaching him some basic common sense alongside his royal duties." 

"I am trying my absolute hardest," Frigga sighed helplessly, thoughtfully handing Rocket another pastry. 

"I suggest you employ the 'Sword of Damocles' teaching method. Suspend Mjolnir directly over his head by a thin thread, and place the tip of Gungnir directly under his ass while he studies. That might actually force him to learn something," Luke offered a highly devious, wicked smile. 

Frigga nodded thoughtfully. Is that a specialized Midgardian educational technique? Perhaps I should try it later. 

Luke turned back to Fat Thor and casually dismissed the dark energy tentacles, allowing the bloated god to stand up. He noticed Fat Thor was still staring longingly out the window at the departing Mjolnir. 

Luke raised an eyebrow. "If you miss having a weapon that much, why don't you just go to Nidavellir and ask Eitri to forge you a new one? He isn't dead yet, is he?" 

"Eitri's people were all slaughtered by Thanos. And Eitri's hands were violently..." Fat Thor grimaced, memories of the tragedy flooding his mind. He shook his head sadly. 

"Alright, well, the Eitri in this timeline is currently perfectly fine," Luke nodded. "Tell you what. If you agree to spar with my subordinates and help train them, I'll personally request Eitri to forge you a brand-new weapon. Furthermore, if you can actually defeat my subordinates in combat, I promise that once I gather all the Stones, I will immediately travel to your timeline and bring everyone back. Deal?" Luke casually grabbed a pastry from Frigga's plate and popped it into his mouth. 

"Your subordinates?" Fat Thor looked at Luke suspiciously. "Who exactly are they?" 

"These guys," Luke casually snapped his fingers, summoning a standard Shadow Ninja from the floor. 

That's it?! 

Fat Thor stared at the incredibly thin, frail-looking shadow creature. He looked back at Luke in absolute disbelief. 

"I ACCEPT YOUR TERMS!" 

Fat Thor yelled immediately, desperately terrified that Luke might change his mind and retract the incredibly generous offer. 

"Excellent. Because I am very eager to witness your true power," Luke smiled predatorily. 

"I, too, am eager to witness the true strength of my future son," Odin's booming voice suddenly echoed from the hallway. 

Everyone turned toward the door. Odin stood there, projecting an aura of absolute majesty, with Loki standing silently behind him. 

"Father! Loki!" Fat Thor yelled in sheer, overwhelming joy, rushing forward to embrace them. 

"In your timeline, were you always this incredibly repulsive and bloated?" Loki asked, his face contorting in absolute disgust as the massive, sweaty Thor charged at him. 

Fat Thor threw his arms around his brother, only to phase harmlessly through a green magical illusion. 

Ah! That's exactly how I remember him! 

Fat Thor turned around and saw the real Loki casually leaning against the wall next to Frigga. This is definitely the real Loki! 

Luke clapped his hands loudly, drawing the emotionally compromised Thor's attention back to the matter at hand. "Alright, let's get back on track. Are we fighting or not?" 

Fat Thor instinctively looked toward Odin for permission. 

Odin studied his future son for a long moment. He remained silent for several seconds before, to Fat Thor's absolute shock, offering a warm, genuine smile. "I wish to see your strength as well. I have always believed that you would eventually become the strongest of the Aesir." 

The Ancient One (internally): I've heard that exact line before! Don't fall for it!