Chapter 424: Grief

Cassia;

His hand covers mine over his chest, and I feel his heart beating beneath my palm.

Alive...Still here.

"I don’t want to lose you...Evere. Especially not while we’re fighting," I whisper, and he nods solemnly.

"You won’t." He promises, and I nearly scoff.

"You don’t know that." He goes quiet.

"That’s the point, Wilhelm. None of us knows." I add, as more sobs swell inside me.

"Liandria didn’t know," I add, and his eyes close.

Immediately, I regret saying her name. Not because it shouldn’t be spoken, but because of the pain that floods his face.

For a while, we stand there. Then I remember, and my heart sinks.

"She spoke about you," I inform, and Wilhelm’s eyes open.

"What?"

"Liandria."

Every muscle in his body seems to tighten, and I swallow.

"She spoke about you before she died." I clarify, and his lips part.

For several seconds, he doesn’t ask. Perhaps he’s afraid to. But finally...he does.

"What did she say?"

His voice sounds so small that I almost don’t recognise it. But I look into his eyes because I know he needs to hear this.

"She said she loved you." His face crumples. I squeeze his hand.

"She said..." My throat tightens. "...she really did love you."

A tear rolls down his cheek, and I give him a small, broken smile.

"And she said you deserved better."

Wilhelm turns away sharply. His hand covers his mouth as I watch his shoulders shake.

This time...I do not hesitate.

I wrap my arms around his waist from behind and press my cheek against his back.

He reaches for my hands, and holds them. Hard.

"She wrote to me," he whispers. My brows crease.

"Before she died...She apologised." His voice cracks.

"We were supposed to talk when next we saw." He informs, and I shut my eyes.

Yet again, another conversation that was supposed to happen "next time".

"I never got to tell her..." He stops, and I tighten my arms around him.

"She loved you, Wilhelm," I assure him, and I feel him let out a breath.

"I know she—"

"No." I cut him off.

I move around him and stand in front of him again.

"Listen to me."

His wet eyes meet mine, and I swallow.

"She died loving you," I say pointedly, and I watch him come undone.

I pull him against me, and he buries his face against my shoulder, and I hold him.

I hold my husband while he mourns his wife...And there is no jealousy inside me. All I can feel...is grief.

Because Liandria was infuriating, she was difficult.

She spent far too many years making me want to pull my hair out. But... She was family.

...And I only just learned how to accept her. Now she’s gone. Because she gave up her life to save mine.

Eventually, Wilhelm’s breathing steadies. He pulls away slightly, but his hands remain around my waist. I can feel the hesitation.

As though he’s still waiting for me to remember I’m angry and push him away. I don’t. Instead, I wipe the tears from his face.

"We’re not done," I say softly, and a tiny crease forms between his brows.

"With what?"

I stare at him.

"Don’t annoy me," I warn, and for the first time tonight, something almost resembling life flickers in his eyes.

I sniff.

"We’re going to talk about everything."

He nods as I speak.

"Gorlois, the warlocks...Everything." I say, and he keeps nodding.

"And you will answer every question I ask," I add, and he nods without hesitation.

"I will."

"No secrets?" I am, a nd he gives me a bitter smile.

"No secrets." He assures me.

I study him. I’m not sure I completely believe that yet.

Trust doesn’t repair itself because someone dies. Love doesn’t erase betrayal...And grief doesn’t magically heal a marriage.

But perhaps...It reminds us why some things are worth healing...

I reach for his hand. Our fingers lock, and Wilhelm looks down at them. Then back at me.

"I’m not ready to forgive you completely," I whisper, and he nods.

"But I don’t want you to leave," I add, and he drags a deep breath.

"I won’t."

I squeeze his hand then and smile at him.

"Good."

We begin walking. Together...I don’t know what tomorrow will look like. Maybe I’ll scream at him again. Maybe he’ll annoy me, or I’ll remember another detail about his affair and throw something much heavier than an ornament this time.

But tomorrow...Tomorrow, Wilhelm will be here for me to be angry with. And I will be here to yell at him.

For tonight...That’s enough.

I tighten my fingers around his as I stare at him, and he looks at me to give me a gentle smile.

Liandria thought she had tomorrow too. And now...She doesn’t.

So I will not waste mine. Tomorrow is never certain. So I won’t waste any precious time.

I won’t.

*******

Koda;

I open the door to his bedroom, and I stop in the doorway when I find him sitting in the middle of the room, under the moonlight, with magic around him.

Primodial magic.

Ice frackles are floating in gentle swirls around him. Ice...water...and flames.

I close the door gently behind me, but he doesn’t look in my direction.

’Do you think I’m a monster?" He questions, and my heart skips a beat.

What? Why...would he think I’d think that??

"I did what I had to." He speaks as he finally looks at me, and I swallow. There’s nothing in those eyes. Those crimson eyes that usually carried warmth and precious innocence- there’s nothing there. No hurt, no rage, nothing.

"I’d do it again if I have to." He adds, and I just stare at him. He stands up, and I watch as the elements that were floating around him vanish into thin air.

I stay rooted to the spot as he walks over to me. He’s in fresh clothes and smells of honey and milk.

I came in here to console him...But how do I start trying to fix things when he’s not letting me see what’s broken?

He stands right in front of me, and the worry in my heart swells. I let out a breath, and my hand finds his face. He shuts his eyes and leans into my touch, and I remember when things used to be easier.

When all he worried about was food and learning our culture. These days he seems so... different.

"Are you okay, my love?" I whisper in worry, and he opens his eyes to look at me. He holds my gaze, and then smiles.

It’s a small, broken smile that doesn’t touch his eyes, but claws into my heart.

"Why wouldn’t I be, Koda?" He questions, and the weight in my chest worsens.

"Because...Because you killed someone tonight, Elian. You...You were covered in his blood, you—"

"I’m not some fragile little thing that’ll break because I got stained by blood." He cuts me off, and my jaw drops.

"Elian, I’m not...I’m not just talking about the blood. Killing someone does something to a person." I try to reason with him, and he tilts his head as he watches me.

"Bram isn’t...someone. He was a plague. A curse. He almost killed Mother tonight. If I have to kill a thousand more Brams to keep Mother safe. I will." He replies, and I feel my throat go dry.

I blink at him, at a loss for words. This isn’t my Elian. This...this isn’t the Elian I know. What’s wrong? Why does he seem so cold? So distant??

Has everything that’s happening finally gotten to him? How... How do I help??

I feel tears blur my eyes as I stare at him. I pull him into my arms and hug him. I bury my nose in his neck as I hold him closely to myself.

More tears escape as I hold him.

"I’m sorry," I whisper, and I feel him go rigid in my arms.

"I’m sorry I’m not doing a good enough job...I’m—I’m sorry you feel you have to be brave while I’m here. I—I’m sorry I’m not man enough to protect my family." I whisper in shame, and slowly, I feel his hands rest against my back.

He melts into me, and his small voice follows.

"You silly man. You forget I’m a primordial. I’m not meant to be hidden away while others risk their lives for me. It’s high time I step up, Koda. I’m done being at the mercy of others...when in truth, it’s my duty to protect you all." He says, and my heart drops.

I pull back slowly to look at his face, and once again, that shallow, disheartening smile is on his face.

The Elian I know would be crying by now. Broken, hurt...shaken. Why does he seem so...unaffected??

"This is the new me, Koda. I won’t be a liability to anyone anymore. I will defend our family no matter what it costs. I’m a mother now. Remember? I’d die before I let any harm come to my family." He adds, and my heart twists bitterly in my chest.

What...What is happening to Elian?