Day One Thousand One Hundred And Fifty

Dear Diary,

I really think I'm starting to grow up.

Okay, yeah, I've said that a lot, but this isn't... I dunno, this isn't really the same thing.

I'm not talking about healing from past trauma, or learning to manage my ADHD, or even finding better coping mechanisms for my depression.

Honestly, I'd like to say something about making mature decisions, and that's not wrong, not factually incorrect, but the thing is, I've had to do that shit since I was way too young to do so safely.

By safely I'm not talking about my physical well being, although I probably shouldn't have had unsupervised access to the stove when i was nine. I never burned the house down or anything, but I sure as shit tossed plenty of burned shit into the sink and ran water over it until it stopped smoking, then dumped it into the garbage and piled other shit over it so my mom wouldn't find it. To this day I don't really know if she realized and kept quiet about it because I'd managed to clean up my mess, or because she felt guilty about not being home to make me dinner. Or maybe she never realized, although if I only had one kid and lived in a little place the size of the old Aetos House in Camden Yards I don't think my kids would get away with much.

Okay, maybe Maze, but she's kinda sneaky, and probably way smarter and more mature than I was at that age.

Shit, I'm pretty sure she's older now than when I did that shit. I'm not sure how fast Kelpies age, but if like most Bag it's faster than stock Human, she's probably somewhere closer to the age I was when my mom died than the age I was when I lit the mac and cheese on fire.

Fuck, I just reminded myself about my mom. About Domnu, that is. Yes, I'd managed to not think about her for a day. Lack of proper object permanence for the win, amirite?

At any rate, when I talk about shit that wasn't physically healthy for me to do, I'm talking about making mature adult decisions at age nine, and functionally raising myself from age thirteen onward. Kids are not meant to carry that kind of mental load, and I think some of my trauma, maybe a lot of it, is due to that. Even more of it might be because I didn't have anybody to fall back on, not really. Kids are meant to pick up that weight, put it back down, let mom or maybe dad lift it for them, and cycle through that until they can pick it up without hurting themselves.

I really hope I'm doing that right with my own kids.

The reason I said I'm growing up isn't that I'm making mature adult decisions. It's because I'm making them and not feeling like shit afterward, or beating myself up for failing, or anything like that.

Got home yesterday and felt a little, I dunno, out of it. Probably putting too much new information in my brain. Nah, honestly, it wasn't that, I think it was processing everything I'd started learning in preparation for maybe making a Global Spell of my own.

Yeah, I've decided to do one of those. Don't tell anybody, because I might chicken out, and I don't think I could handle the other Archmagi teasing me.

I mean teasing me about chickening out about emplacing a Global Spell. I kinda live for other kinds of teasing in both directions. Well, all directions, since they tease one another just as much. In the 'working each other up so the eventual inevitable release is that much more potent' sense. Not in the mean spirited bullying sense. We're not into that kind of BDSM in House Aetos-Diaz. Can't think of another kind we're not into, but bullying is right out. Really it is.

Anyhow, dinner was simple. I've heard the recipe called half a dozen things, but mom always called it 'toad in the hole'. Which, when the bread is fresh and homemade, can come out really good. Okay, we had grilled veggies as well. Wait, I think it's actually called sauteed when they're in a pan rather than on a proper grill or griddle.

Got up to the bath and had a revelation as my ladies floated around me quietly discussing some of the things I'd have found disturbing... No, that I always thought I should find disturbing.

Tallulah started it, pondering, "I wonder if Sparagmos would convert me to a Maenad, or if the Global System Spell would restore me to my current form."

Yeah, three Archmagi and two Champions, our pillow talk gets nerdy sometimes. Saffron made a curious noise and answered, "I'm honestly not sure. I'd hate to think that either you or Dionysus would wind up injured by the interaction."

Tallulah shrugged. "I'm not certain if our intimate connection is strong enough for the conversion in any case." She turned to Marie, interlacing her fingers through our Maenad's claws. "Not that I do not love you, dear Marie, but..."

Marie just pulled Tallulah closer, then scooped an arm around her. "Silly Sidhe." she almost murmured before nuzzling Tallulah's neck.

At that point Saffron chuckled, rolling over to cross her arms on my belly and float stretched out to the side, smiling at Marie. "You're monopolizing all the Concubines, I see."

At that point I realized that Marie had Siobhan pinned to her side with her other arm, holding a nursing Aoibh between them. Before Marie could respond, Siobhan said bluntly, "I for one do not wish to become a Maenad."

Yeah, we all kinda looked at her at that. Even Marie, who had to twist her spine around to do so. "Why Not?"

"Oh, I do love you, but," she sighed. "I do not think I am suited to the violence inherent to Maenads."

Marie sounded almost upset when she said, "Not Forever?"

Siobhan just smiled. "Silly Maenad. As a Dan Archmage, I have every expectation that I will live for another two centuries, and even once I pass from this Mortal coil," she looked straight over at me, "I will gladly continue to serve you in my Afterlife."

"Not Serve." Siobhan opened her mouth to argue, but Marie shut it again with a simple, "Love."

Siobhan pinked up, and it warmed me again to see her not faint. "Always."

Something tugged at me at that point. "Y'know, I think I figured out why I get so upset when you guys talk about dying."

"Because barring Apotheosis or Afterlife, you will outlive all of us?"

I shook my head. "I mean, yeah, but no, that's not it. You guys have all talked about being ready to die, ready to sacrifice yourselves for me."

"I've done more than talk," Tallulah added primly.

"Me Too."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I get it. But I figured it out. I don't want you guys dying for me." I took a deep breath. "I want you living for me. As long and as happily as possible."

Saffron tilted her head to look at me. "Is that why you fear for us, when we do what we do in your Maw?"

I took another deep breath, thinking. "Yeah. Yeah, I think it is."

"Well then, it's a good thing that is, as we've made extremely clear, not a thing that does us lasting harm."

For whatever reason, she decided that was a good reason to kick her feet enough to push me over to the rest of the Mom Collective, at which point Marie gifted me with a faceful of Tallulah face.

I think she still likes playing dolls with us. And now she's got four of us to play with.