Day One Thousand One Hundred And Eighty-Two

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I gotta talk to the Norns about the whole Fate versus Agency thing, I think. Maybe talk with Dad about it tomorrow, too. Sure as shit need to speak with Tallulah about how it makes her feel when her Sidhe nature won't let her speak, or act, or whatever.

Thing is, while mine isn't anywhere near the worst I'd ever heard of or read about, I understand the idea of executive dysfunction. While I'm not sure they're one and the same thing, I can't see how they're not related. I mean, I only ever read about OCD, and by that I'm not talking about the cutesy neurotic shit that I'd joke about when I tried to get anything Just So. I'm talking about the people who thought they had to turn the lights on and back off exactly sixteen times when they walked by the light switch or the world itself would cease to exist.

To be extra special clear, I am not in any way mocking people with that shit. I have enough problems with my brain refusing to acknowledge or remember the existence of shit that is not right in front of my eyes, or telling me that everyone hates me and it would be better for everyone if I was in a burrow at the bottom of the ocean, or even just refusing to let me be still and calm and enjoy my fuckin' awesome life. The idea that I would be forced to perform some kinda ritualistic shit every time I entered or left a room would break me, I think. The folks who survive that and still manage to function anything like a normal human being are just built different.

Yeah, I think that this is one of those topics I definitely need to talk with the fam about. Because just talking about it here in my Diary, basically bouncing the idea off the back of my own brain, just putting it in words, is threatening to send me into a spiral. A depressive spiral, just to be clear.

I mean, overall, if I gotta have something that I do without thinking about it, or more to the point do whether I really want to or not, because in the moment I can't help myself, or even think about how I don't want to, 'partying with people I love' has got to be one of the least offensive I can think of. Then again, maybe that's why it's so upsetting to me. Because I don't ever want that to be something I don't think about. Something I do without paying attention to it.

At any rate, got home yesterday after the Revel, did some creative swearing, had Murder Mittens wash my mouth and brain out with her tongue, then hopped on over to Newark to start them on some serious Combat Training. On the good side, they already know how to play Squadball, not only because I used to be their PT instructor, but because Hildegarde has very pointed ideas about how to do Physical Training, and that includes a lot of full contact team sports. I'm pretty sure if I showed her old school American Football, her only complaint would be the body armor.

I might have pushed them a little hard, what with being out of sorts after what happened at the Revel, but most of them aren't really completely untested, untried Freshman Cadets any more. I've been working with this cohort for a couple seasons now, getting them some confidence. So when, after a morning of regular Squadball, then an afternoon with the lancasters, I cooled them down with a marathon run around the perimeter of their practice field, they just ran until, one at a time, they collapsed and couldn't get up. The first one to do so, a young woman named Fish, because apparently like the Pesces her family were fishermen, managed to pant a few words up at me as I stood there staring at her.

"Are... You... Mad?"

I blinked, then realized that she didn't have the wind for more than one syllable. "Nah. Not in the slightest. I said run 'til you drop and can't get back up. You ran. You dropped. You got back up and ran some more. I don't want to push you guys to collapse too often, but now and then it's good to know what your limits feel like."

She rolled her head back and forth. "How... Far?"

I smiled down at her as I watched some of her cohort run past, watched another couple crawling forward. When I saw that I shouted, "back up and run or lie there recovering!" Then I turned back to Fish. "Twenty-eight miles. Plus a bit. Not quite half. Not bad at all, especially for a Cadet whose still in training, and just finished up a hard day of Squadball."

It took another couple miles before they all fell out, and if the last guy to fall maybe decided he was done for the day, I wasn't gonna grief him too much. He'd been pushing, had lapped the rest a couple times, and sloshed with every step. At that point I picked them all up, pulled them to conversational distance, said, "good work today, Cadets," then hit them all with a low powered Stabilize, enough to get them down to dinner, and set them on their feet.

Kinda surprised me when, before I stepped back to the Homestead, they shouted, "thank you, Champion Diaz!"

I think Saffron realized something was wrong, because plonked her ass in my lap and fed me while Tallulah did the same with Marie, and Siobhan fed Aoibh. Okay, she was eating chicken tendies her own self, but still, the comparison made me smile.

When we got up to the Bath and the kids were playing with Marie and Tallulah, Saffron took Aoibh, who'd fallen asleep, and handed her to me. Then took her back, changed her diaper, and handed her back to me before snuggling up to me. "What's wrong, love?"

I smiled down at Aoibh, who had started smiling in her sleep. Still didn't do much but eat, sleep, and shit, but she looked cute doing it, and the smile only made it cuter. "The Revel."

"Not to your liking?"

I shook my head. "Nah. I mean, you remember me saying I wasn't in the mood, right?"

"Yes?"

"The moment I stepped to the Altar I forgot all about that. Just did the normal Revel thing. Okay, maybe watched the rest of the crowd a little more than I used to."

She smothered a frown. "Did you not focus on your partners?"

I thought about that, then shook my head. "Nah. In the moment I was all about whatever they wanted, whatever they needed. It's more that both of us were... I dunno, like we were aware of what was going on around us a little more. Focused, but not to the exclusion of all the other cool shit happening."

"Do you think you disappointed them?"

I thought about that again. "No? No, I don't think I did."

"Then what...?"

It took me a bit to get it out. "Am I even, like, me when I hop over there for that?"

She opened her mouth. Closed it. Then repeated that a few times, putting her fingers over my lips when I opened my mouth to repeat the question. Eventually, she said, "I believe you are. But..."

"Sixth?"

"I'm not sure whether to rush your piercings or savor them. But yes, sixth. Also, I'm not sure what's causing that, but I don't think it's cause for concern."

I shook my head. "I sure fuckin' think it is."

She slumped. "Would you like me to explain?"

I scrunched up my nose, trying not to get mad, because she really was tryna help my ass out. "Please?"

She nodded. "I say I'm not sure, because there are multiple things it could be, some of which you might consider unpleasant, but not anathema. Also, without being certain, it could always be something I haven't thought of."

She paused, looked at me, and I nodded. "Go on."

"First, I've done some reading, books on psychology provided by your father, and apparently those with the condition that plagued you... The Attention one?"

"ADHD?"

"Exactly. There's some documentation showing that the... I think you've called it 'lack of object permanence'?" I nodded, and she continued. "It affects more than just objects. When you stepped from our Homestead to your Temple, the part of your brain that forgets about things when they're not right in front of you latched on to the Altar, to the Worshippers, possibly to the Worship itself, and that totally eclipsed your previous hesitance."

I snorted. "Shit. Ensnared by my need for dopamine."

She shrugged. "Aren't we all, in the end? But that's one possibility, that it's simply an expression of your condition, one that you are only now noticing because you've healed far enough to notice."

"What? I've never done that be..." I trailed off as she just stared at me. "Oh, shit. I've done that before?"

She shrugged. "More than once I've seen you change from one mood and intent to another in the blink of an eye. You're mercurial, and have been as long as I've known you. But the fact that you noticed means that you may be healing to the point you can notice it. Or perhaps you're not 'healing', since your condition isn't an injury, just an altered way of perceiving and processing the world. Perhaps you're simply learning to notice."

"Growing up?"

She smiled. "I wasn't going to put it like that, but learning to notice and function around our own quirks is part of growing up, yes."

"So... What else?"

She sighed. "There are half a dozen other things, but they all boil down to your Divinity overriding your conscious mind." Before I could respond to that, she added, "of course, within that there is the habits you've cultivated echoing back from your larger self, there is the collective expectation of your Worshippers driving you to meet those expectations, and even perhaps some aspect of the Rituals you've established pulling you into them to some degree."

I frowned. "I'm... I'm not sure I'm comfortable with somebody else controlling me."

She smiled. "Oh, love. Who do you think established those habits? Who set the expectations of your Worshippers? Who made those Rituals what they are?"

I shrugged. "I dunno."

She rolled her eyes, looked across me at Siobhan, and snorted. "Can you believe her?"

Siobhan, who'd curled up under my arm, head on my breast, practically forehead to forehead with Aoibh, didn't even open her eyes, she just smiled and said, "I'm sure I'm not the one who married her. I'm just the Concubine. In the wise words of our Goddess, 'not my circus, not my monkey'."

Saffron just lay there with her mouth open for a full five seconds before reaching over to pull Siobhan the rest of the way across me, carefully lifting her over Aoibh. When their lips met, and Siobhan's never lost that grin, the two disappeared.

Fell asleep shortly after, and enjoyed watching on the big screen as my Kitten tried and failed to make my Darling regret taunting her.

In the morning, before I headed out for my day of teaching, Saffron helped get my uniform just so, a reminder of our days back at the Academy, before kissing me on the lips and saying, "we'll talk more tomorrow?"

I said, "you're sure it's not, like, a certain somebody doing mind whammies on me?"

She shrugged. "I find the likelihood near zero, especially with a short handful of other, far more likely explanations. If you're really worried, I'm sure you could pick up some Cold Iron in Calverton today."

"Blech. No thanks."

So I spent today getting back into my routine. Teaching Math in Calverton, guarding the bodies of three of my favorite ladies, because I really didn't do much different in the Infirmary than I did in the Grand Council Chambers or the Overlord's Court, although today Adrienne filled in for her mom again. Which meant I had another of me surreptitiously being bored as I listened to the Captains Three go over Articles of Agreement with Tallulah. Plus one of me at home with Murder Mittens in the Kitchen.

With the kids all at school, we even got to mess around a little. Not in the Kitchen, though. Mittens has opinions about that.