Chapter 500 - 500: ASS!!

Sergeant Nor'n said:

"Before he died, the Captain handed the company to me for the time being. I will serve as acting Captain until we return to the Chapter.

"The agreement he signed with you has passed to me, and I will continue to carry it out.

"As it happens, I received word a little while ago. Our company's flagship has dealt with the Ork fleets and is on its way back.

"As soon as the ship returns, I will immediately send a vessel to find a way to tow your Sword-class escort!"

Hearing that, Kian felt an immense wave of satisfaction. Once the warship was towed to the Forge World, he could launch his very own Azur Lane!

Kian and Nor'n went over how to stay in touch, future supply exchanges, and a few other matters, and then the two of them parted for the time being.

Nor'n went off to handle company business, and Kian went to find Apothecary Desai about feeling unwell.

By now, Apothecary Desai was basically half robot.

Blackiron's power claw had crushed his body nearly in two. The claw was so filthy and irradiated that his wounds couldn't heal and the flesh wouldn't grow back properly, so the only option was to replace it with metal.

Everything below his abdomen had been replaced with metal, and he moved on two mechanical legs.

The arm he'd lost had been replaced with a bionic prosthetic. It wasn't a hand, though. It was more like a Swiss Army knife, bristling with every kind of surgical instrument.

Kian pushed the door open without knocking and sat down next to Desai. Desai glanced at him.

"What's the problem?"

Kian thumped his chest, rubbed his lower back, pointed at his knees, and slapped his thighs.

"Doc, you gotta take a look at me, quick. My chest hurts, my back hurts, my knees hurt. I'm dizzy, my vision's blurry, my ears are ringing, and I feel like I'm gonna hurl. When I stand up, the room spins. When I sit down, my hemorrhoids flare up. And when I lie down, I feel like it's time to close the lid on my coffin!"

Desai said, "Hm."

"Sounds like low T. Take some of these."

He took out a bottle of pills and set it on the table. Kian glanced at it, reached over, pocketed it, and then said:

"Actually, what I really came about is my butt."

Kian stood up and shoved his butt right in Desai's face.

"It feels really weird. Ever since I woke up this time, it's like my butt isn't mine anymore. It's heavier and harder, like the faith of millions of living souls has been poured into it!"

It took every ounce of Desai's self-control not to jam the needle on his prosthetic straight into Kian's butt.

Once he'd confirmed that Kian wasn't there to clown around, he had him lie face-down on the metal bed and began a proper examination.

And the examination turned up something genuinely wrong.

"Emperor above! Why is the muscle density of your gluteus more than twice that of the surrounding muscle!!"

He looked utterly disbelieving, because this was deeply bizarre.

Muscle density is roughly the same throughout the human body. One region of muscle having more than twice the density of the muscle around it simply shouldn't happen.

Kian asked nervously:

"Doc, is there any hope for me?!"

Desai was stumped. He kept flipping through Kian's lab reports.

Every indicator was normal. How could one patch of muscle suddenly become this dense?

"Er... it won't kill you. But with glute density this high, the local blood supply may be inadequate, so you're at risk of hemorrhoids."

Kian cried out in alarm.

"NOOO! I don't want to be a middle-aged man with piles!!"

Desai: "Calm down, please. As long as you do your Kegels daily, you shouldn't be too prone to hemorrhoids."

Kian breathed a sigh of relief and turned to look at the readers on the other side of the screen.

"Hey! You lot! You hear that? Remind me to do my Kegels from now on!"

Then he pressed on.

"So you can't figure out what's making the muscle density go up in just that spot either?"

Desai rubbed his chin.

"Medically speaking, I really can't explain it. I've never seen a case like this.

"Do you have any idea yourself? After all, your daily life is, er... rather eventful."

At that prompt, an image flashed into Kian's mind.

A crowd of Gretchin, passing it along mouth to mouth: Old Fart Kian crushed the Gargant with his glutes!

"HOLY CRAP!!"

It all clicked instantly, and he smacked himself in the face!

It was those Gretchin! The power of those Gretchin's collective belief!!

The Gretchin's WAAAGH energy had been able to turn him into Grot Marjack. Naturally, it could also turn Old Fart Kian's butt into a genuine adamantium booty!!

Desai folded his arms across his chest.

"Looks like you've figured out what's going on!"

Kian huffed and puffed, feeling seriously screwed over. That goddamn WAAAGH energy had actually mutated his body like this!

But a moment later, a mischievous gleam lit up in his eyes.

"Doc, I want to ask you something. This extra glute density, it's not bad for my body, and it makes me stronger, right?"

Desai nodded.

"That's right. It's only a local increase in muscle density, though, so the effect on your overall strength is limited.

"At most, it'll give you some extra power when squatting, jumping, or running long distances."

Kian licked his lips, and the mischievous gleam in his eyes grew brighter.

"Then, Doc, is it at all possible to replace all the muscles in my body with my glutes?"

He pulled out a few Regen-Bolts.

"You cut off my ultra-dense glutes, then I hit a Regen-Bolt and grow them back.

"Once they grow back, you cut them off again, then I regrow them again. Once we've stockpiled enough, you swap every ordinary muscle in my body for glute!

"Wouldn't that double the muscle density of my whole body and send my strength through the roof?!"

When Desai heard this outrageous proposal, his eyes simply glazed over.

He looked at Kian lying on the medical bed, eyes blazing with enthusiasm, and wondered to himself how this extraordinary man's supposedly human brain kept coming up with ideas that were only barely human-adjacent.

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