Chapter 47: As bad as before

In a completely unfamiliar bedroom, on a completely unfamiliar bed, Cian thought he wouldn’t be able to sleep. But Eoin had an exceptionally calm and gentle aura, and Cian fell into a deep sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

For the next three hundred or so days and nights, Cian went to school, and Eoin went to work.

Their lives became more and more harmonious, more and more intimate.

Cian didn’t know what this cousin did for a living, only that he always wore a suit, entered and exited tall buildings, and seemed like a busy elite. But every night, Eoin would come back without fail to teach him homework, breaking down each problem one by one, even turning down phone invitations, as if teaching him homework was the most important thing, 365 days a year, every day.

Occasionally on weekends, they would play games together. Eoin was an excellent cook, especially good at making parsnip and pork-rib stew. Every time he tied an apron and cooked in the kitchen, the rising steam blurred his refined features, and the aroma of the stew filled the sitting room. Cian often had the impulse to rush over and hug him. He had a vague illusion that Eoin was his family, and they had already spent many years like this, plain yet warm.

...Family?

Can a distant cousin really be considered family?

Cian felt a bit lost.

His bipolar disorder hadn’t flared up since he moved into this house. His grades had skyrocketed, from the bottom of the class to the top of his year, at an astonishing pace. He had given up gaming and riding motorcycles, sitting from morning till night like an ascetic, and even his teachers marvelled at his perseverance, asking him to share the secret of self-discipline with the whole class.

Cian shook his head and refused.

It was somewhat embarrassing, but a large part of the reason Cian suddenly started studying diligently was because of Eoin’s beautiful smile every time he signed Cian’s report card.

Eoin was genuinely pleased with Cian’s progress.

Cian didn’t want to disappoint the only person in the world who was kind to him.

Days flew by, and before they knew it, it was time for the Leaving Certificate exams. Eoin took the day off work to accompany Cian, waiting at the school gate like other parents to pick him up. As soon as Cian stepped out of the exam hall, he could walk alongside Eoin.

This year, Cian had undergone a significant transformation. He had cut his long hair, and his clothes, all picked out by Eoin, were stylish. His cheeks had filled out, giving him a vibrant, youthful appearance.

Eoin spotted Cian in the crowd immediately. He was tall and stood out, so he made his way through the crowd to Cian’s side, asking how he was like other parents, and then inquired, "What do you feel like eating tonight?"

Cian tilted his head and thought for a moment, then said, "Anything is fine."

Anything was fine, as long as he was eating with Eoin; he wasn’t picky.

Despite this, Eoin still went all out. He even uncorked two bottles of wine, toasting with Cian in celebration.

Cian hadn’t slept well during the two days of the exams. After the meal and a bit of wine, he fell asleep the moment he hit the bed. In the middle of the night, he started dreaming hazily. In the dream, Eoin leaned into his arms, his elegant and beautiful eyes brimming with tenderness. They were close, embracing, and finally kissing, with shirt buttons undone and the duvet slipping to the floor.

...

Only then did he suddenly understand the fluttering he felt every time he stood shoulder to shoulder with Eoin.

He liked the only person who was kind to him, yearning to be close, skin to skin.

Cian woke up, stunned for a long moment, then suddenly slapped himself.

He didn’t hold back, and red marks appeared immediately. Cian went to the sink to splash cold water on his face, and when he looked up at his dishevelled reflection, he suddenly forced a sarcastic smile.

He sneered at himself, "I really am no good."

Eoin was his cousin, who out of familial duty provided him with food and shelter and oversaw his studies, but the cousin he raised had wolfish ambitions, desiring what should not be desired.

Eoin really shouldn’t have been so good to him.

He quietly washed up, using the cover of night to stuff the tangled sheets into the washing machine. The sound of the machine starting was loud, especially noticeable in the quiet night, and Cian stood by the washing machine, praying that Eoin would sleep deeply, so he could hide his gloomy thoughts and not expose them.

But then, someone turned on the light.

Pure white light poured down instantly, the darkness receded and disappeared, and everything was exposed.

Eoin, wearing only pyjamas, stood in the corner of the sitting room, looking surprised. "Why aren’t you sleeping so late?"

Cian stiffly blocked the washing machine, lowering his eyes. "Couldn’t sleep at night."

Eoin looked worried, stepped forward, and touched Cian’s forehead. "Nervous about the exam? It’s normal to be nervous after the Leaving Cert."

Cian didn’t speak, and Eoin hesitated for a moment before asking, "It’s really late, if you can’t sleep, do you want... do you want to sleep with me?"

Cian closed his eyes, wanting to laugh even more.

He couldn’t figure out what Eoin was thinking. Was he, a secondary-school graduate, still acting like a child? Couldn’t sleep without his mother coaxing him, throwing a fit to sleep with her? Or did Eoin, a distant cousin, really see him as his own child?

Did Eoin have any idea what kind of twisted thoughts this "child" in front of him was hiding?

And if he knew, what would he do? Would he freak out, avoid him like the plague, or... be utterly repulsed?

Eoin was clueless about Cian’s hidden thoughts. He even reached out and grabbed Cian’s wrist, trying to pull him into the room: "Come on, I’ll talk with you. Everyone feels this way after the Leaving Cert, don’t be nervous."

It was like inviting a wolf into the henhouse.

Cian was hit with a wave of inexplicable anger and yanked his hand away: "No!"

Eoin spun around, surprised.

Since they started living together, Cian hadn’t spoken in such a tone for a long time.

The shock in his eyes cut Cian deep, who let out a bitter laugh: "Eoin, do you really see me as a kid?"

Eoin hesitated, blinking: "...Not really?"

—How could he see Cian as a kid? Every lonely night, he ached for the warmth of an embrace, almost driving him mad.

It was just that Cian was still in secondary school, and speaking too soon might make it seem like he had ulterior motives, scaring him away.

Who knew Cian’s expression would turn even more self-mocking? He stepped forward, pinning Eoin in a heavy shadow, almost accusing: "If you know I’m not a kid, how dare you ask me to sleep with you?"

Eoin: "..."

—Why wouldn’t he dare?

But Cian’s expression was so unpleasant that Eoin didn’t press, just changed the subject, saying gently: "Are you feeling unwell? Do you want something to eat?"

Cian was stressed from the Leaving Cert, and now he couldn’t kiss or hug him. The only thing Eoin could think to do was feed him.

But this made him seem even more like a worried parent.

Cian tightly closed his eyes.

He watched Eoin turn around, really about to tie an apron and steam some small plates. A sense of absurdity, helplessness, and pain suddenly overwhelmed him, burning his insides with a dull ache.

Long-term loneliness had made Cian unaccustomed to being with others. He had received no favour from his father, so he always had low expectations. He didn’t expect others to treat him well. Now that Eoin was treating him well, he couldn’t believe that this kindness would last. He had been able to pretend before, but that filthy dream suddenly made him realise that he couldn’t play the role of the obedient cousin anymore.

Everything before him seemed like a fleeting illusion. The day the bubble burst would be the day he lost everything.

And Cian was suffering in the process.

He didn’t want to wait anymore. He urgently needed an answer, so he suddenly had the impulse to expose all these unspeakable, dirty thoughts, laying them bare under Eoin’s eyes, pointing at them and questioning—Look, this is what the child you raised is really like inside. Do you still want to treat him so well?

If you saw his heart, would you still be willing to treat him so well?

So he suddenly reached out, grabbed Eoin’s wrist, and in Eoin’s surprised gaze, held the back of his head and suddenly kissed him.

A brief touch.

This fleeting kiss exhausted Cian’s courage. He stepped back, waved his hand with difficulty, and smiled bitterly: "Now, do you still want to invite me?"

Eoin was stunned for a full two seconds.

Finally, under Cian’s lifeless gaze, he raised his hand and placed his fingers on his lips, which were still slightly moist.

"My God," Eoin hesitated for a moment, then told the truth,

"Cian, your kissing skills... are as bad as before."