Chapter 36: Are you dazing out?

By the time the Micra pulled up at the hospital, Eoin was still a bit dazed.

Cian walked ahead. When he turned around, he saw Eoin following slowly, as if in a daze. He held out his hand with a helpless look. "Mr. Brennan, the Teaching Assistant, are you spacing out?"

This was what Cian used to call him five years ago. At first, Eoin had found it teasing and humiliating, but he had slowly got used to it. Every time Cian called him that in an affectionate voice, with a bright smile, Eoin’s ears went hot.

No one had called him that in five years.

Cian’s hand was slender and elegant, and warm. Eoin lowered his eyes and put his hand in it.

Their hands locked together.

They walked into the hospital, down a long corridor, and stopped in front of the glass window of the sterile ward. Only one person could go in at a time, and visits were limited. Cian gave Eoin a gentle push and smiled. "You go in."

Eoin felt torn, unsure what Cian was thinking. He put on the protective gown, went into the ward, and saw Cian mouthing through the glass, "Remember to introduce me."

Eoin’s ears turned red again.

How should he introduce him?

The ward was soundproof, so Cian couldn’t hear him. Eoin could introduce him however he liked, even as his boyfriend, his lover, or his husband.

Granny Brennan’s condition was stable, but she was old, with little energy and a poor memory, and she slept most of the time. She felt her hand being held and woke up, smiling at Eoin. "Do you have time today?"

Eoin knelt beside her and held her hand. "Yes, I’m not working today."

Usually, they had a lot to talk about, but this time Eoin said nothing. He was working out how to introduce Cian. Granny Brennan seemed to notice something and looked toward the window, where she saw the person outside.

Through the glass, Cian’s tall, striking figure stood out, like a star or a model on TV. Granny was stunned and took out her reading glasses.

She put them on, and Cian waved and smiled. Granny held Eoin’s hand and suddenly said, "Who’s that young man at the door? I’ve seen him before."

Eoin paused, unable to hide his surprise. "You’ve seen him?"

Since coming back to Ireland, Cian had mostly stayed indoors, avoided his old social circle, and never come to the hospital. How could Granny have seen him?

The old woman closed her eyes and thought for a while. "Many years ago. Three or five years ago."

Cian was simply so good looking that she remembered him. If he had an ordinary face, no one would have remembered him for so long.

Eoin paused again and couldn’t help turning to look at Cian.

Five years ago was when he and Cian had just met. Cian was still the rich young master of Dublin who had the final say, and Eoin was a poor, unknown student at Trinity.

The special care ward was in a corner of the hospital, separated from the other wards by a long corridor. Unless you went out of your way, you wouldn’t come here.

But why would Cian go out of his way? To visit an old woman he didn’t even know?

Cian had no idea he’d been recognised. He was still smiling through the glass, mouthing, "Did you introduce me?"

Eoin turned his head in a panic, his eyes slightly warm.

Granny patted him and asked again. "Who’s that young man at the door?"

Eoin hid his embarrassment, held his granny’s hand, and after a small pause said, "He’s... someone I like. His name is Cian."

The name sat on his tongue, soft and close.

Granny was open minded. After a moment’s thought, she pieced most of it together: the surgery money that had appeared out of nowhere, Eoin’s nervousness and unease at first, which later turned into calm and more smiles, and the person who had stood outside the glass five years ago and again today.

She patted Eoin, visibly relieved, as if a weight had been lifted. "Granny trusts your judgment of people."

Eoin kept his eyes on the apple he was peeling and only hummed, adding nothing.

He trusted his judgment, but even after all this time, he still couldn’t fully understand Cian. He could only feel his way in the dark, learning bit by bit and growing fonder with every new thing he found out. Despite the rumours that Cian was proud and cruel, he was actually gentle and liked to smile. He had been through a lot as a child, but he had never turned to violence. He was a young master raised in luxury, yet months after coming home, he still didn’t care about fame or money. Cian had a faraway air about him, as if he were only passing through this world and would have to leave when the time came.

Fifteen minutes passed in a flash, and the alarm sounded. Eoin put the peeled apple on the bedside table and told his granny to rest. She looked at Cian outside the door, then at her grandson in front of her, and reached out her wrinkled, age spotted hand to pat the back of his hand softly.

Everything was said without words.

While the two of them talked in the ward, Cian stood casually outside the door. When he saw Eoin push the door open and step out, he smiled and said, "So, how did you introduce me..."

Halfway through the joke, he noticed that Eoin’s eyes were slightly red. He stopped and pointed at his own eyes. "Do you always end up like this after visiting the hospital?"

Birth, old age, sickness, and death are beyond anyone’s control. Granny’s condition was stable, but she still couldn’t leave the ward, and they had little time together. Cian had never looked after a sick relative, but he knew it was hard, so he reached out and held Eoin’s hand to comfort him. "It’s all right. We’re using the best medicine. Just come often if you feel low."

He took Eoin’s hand and led him out, but Eoin resisted slightly, as if trying to pull free. Cian was puzzled and asked kindly, "Do you want to be alone for a bit?"

Sometimes, when you’re sad, you don’t want anyone to see you. You just want to be alone.

Cian thought so and let go. But the next second, his wrist was grabbed. Eoin’s fingers locked with his, and then Eoin suddenly hugged him.

Both of them were wearing long padded jackets, so the hug was soft and comfortable.

Cian held him and rubbed the top of his head, quite surprised. Wow, he dared to hug me? That’s progress.

Maybe because of how he grew up, Eoin was a bit complicated. On one hand, he had achieved a lot in his studies and had plenty of self respect. On the other, he was too careful with feelings. Cian guessed that the sudden departure five years ago had left him scarred. He was afraid of laying all his cards on the table, with no way back and nowhere to hide.

Cian found this little complication quite sweet. He didn’t point it out and rather enjoyed watching from the side, with a bit of mischief, wondering what Eoin was struggling with. Now that Eoin had hugged him out of the blue, he couldn’t help laughing. "All right, all right. This is a hospital corridor."

Doctors and nurses were still walking past.

Only then did Eoin let go.

They drove home. On the way, they passed a market, so they got out and walked hand in hand to buy groceries. Cian was good at picking meat, and Eoin had eaten a lot of vegetables growing up and could tell their quality at a glance. They walked around the market and came out with three or four plastic bags.

Neither of them was good at haggling, so they followed behind some older customers, waited for them to finish bargaining, and then stepped in. "We’ll take the same."

One was the former young master of the Fitzgerald family, who, even though he’d fallen on hard times, still held shares worth a fortune. The other was the newly risen top figure in Dublin, whom even Fergal had to treat with respect. Yet here they were, saving a euro or two and carrying cheap plastic bags, and they found some joy in it.

They went home and put the groceries in the fridge. Cian looked at the beef they’d just bought and remembered his freeloading classmates. "My classmates from university abroad have come back to Ireland. There might be a get together in a couple of days. Will you come?"

Eoin was tidying the fridge. He paused at the words, then carried on. "I’ll come."

People often say the first step in a relationship is entering each other’s social circles. Today, Cian had gone to the hospital with him, and tomorrow, Eoin would meet Cian’s classmates. It really was like ordinary people dating.

Days at Rathmore Court flowed by like water. Cian had thought Eoin wouldn’t get used to living here, but, surprisingly, Eoin was even more at ease than he was.

Every day they went out to buy groceries, Eoin went to work, Cian wandered around, and at night they slept in each other’s arms. Cian gained a big human pillow, and Eoin’s dark circles slowly faded. Even though they were still in a contract, they lived like an old married couple.