40 — For Whom the Bell Tolls

Calista

'Umh... you know, Iris and Ivy are nice, I love them. But... I like you the best.'

Such a cute smile. One would be easily forgiven for thinking such words were delivered in innocence. No ulterior motive hidden within. Not with Damien.

Calista had smiled brightly at him, flicking him on the nose. 'Who wouldn't? I'm the best sister, after all.'

She'd been in a good mood. Damien's shy smile and timid gestures, like shifting on the spot or rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness. Had she mistaken his blush for something that wasn't there?

'You're really good with the guitar, come on... you should play more often.'

'Should I?'

'Yes, I'd really like to listen to you play it, Damien.'

'Then... just for you...'

Another one of those shy smiles had made an appearance. 

Even back then, Calista thought of herself as his favorite sister, the one he relied on and leaned towards for companionship and enjoyment. 

Maybe it was an admiration born more from her being the oldest, the role model in a household of four sisters. The first to mature, to experience life as an adult, to get a successful career, to have all the small accomplishments under her belt.

She was also the one who always made sure he didn't forget to lock his door at night, or to wear a jacket when it got cold. She was the one who'd sit down and chat with him about his hobbies, his thoughts, his day.

Whatever the reason may have been, the fact remained; there was an innocence and attachment Calista believed he'd had toward her.

It was a strange sort of affection he had for her, and Calista, though a bit dense when it came to the affairs of the heart, had never questioned it.

For a woman who had never known a man's touch or taste, who had never experienced the pleasure of being with a man, Calista had found a weird comfort in her brother's presence. A substitute, in a way, of the love and affection that she craved but couldn't have. It was as close as she could get to it, without feeling wrong or guilty.

'I love you, Cali.'

'......'

He was on her bed, kicking his legs in the air. That day, Damien had found her sulking in her room, and had promptly laid down next to her, his head on her shoulder. He'd whispered those words with such a sweet sincerity, that Calista had felt a little pang in her chest. 

She'd turned her head, her nose brushing against his cheek.

'I love you too, Damien.'

Too much, probably.

Her eyes had darkened a little, and against all rational judgement, she had decided to simply roll over and trap her cute little brother under her body, hugging him tightly. Feeling the rapid beating of his heart, the heat of his skin against hers.

That day, she didn't do anything.

But the thought kept circling back, looping endlessly inside a rotten circuit in her head. She kept wondering about what would happen if her thoughts spilled and became a reality. 

Just a tiny bit of touching. What was wrong with that? Would she sin and burn to the ground? Would the sky split and crack open?

Not at first, no.

But as the years passed. Damien grew up. He had also grown a little more withdrawn, as it usually happened when men learned their place in the world, the fragility of their existence, the expectation placed upon them.

While Damien underwent that change, what remained unchanged was their relationship.

Calista couldn't recognize anymore what Damien wanted or even herself.

Those sweet memories had become distorted, and so had Calista herself.

'Come on, play me something, Damien~'

Her head was on his lap, and his face was looking down at her with such a flustered expression, one that filled her with a satisfaction unlike anything else in the world. A truly beautiful expression and face, one that he showed only to her. 

'A-are you sure?'

'Yes. I want to hear the music.'

And so he plucked the strings of his instrument, so beautifully and elegantly, smiling at her, and her heart would beat so painfully fast.

He had dedicated music pieces to her. Handwritten lyrics that had Calista conserving them, even in her most frenzied, desperate moments. It made her feel loved. It made her feel special. How many nights did he stay up writing those for her? Pages upon pages, filled with his thoughts. She turned those thoughts into songs. He sang. She sang. So many nights together. So many duets together. Laughter. So much fun together. 

The memories entwined colorfully, until a crack formed somewhere, and something else started to fill in the void. Something that she had strangled and shoved into the depths of herself. 

And, ultimately, it made her feel like a complete creep for feeling this way towards her little brother.

And, in her delusion, she believed Damien was a creep too.

'Cali?'

She had scooted closer and closer to him, her hand on his thigh.

'Eeek! Calista, y-you shouldn't touch there!'

'Oh?' A sharp look in her eyes as she tilted her head to the side. 'Here?'

'G-Gah! I'm telling you, you can't–'

She hadn't missed a beat, her hand moving right between his legs. An innocent touch to an unbeknownst virgin, and the only male in the family.

Damien had grown rigid under her touch, unable to push her away, despite his vehement insisting.

'Sister, what are you doing?! Please, you really shouldn't be there...!'

A gentle coaxing.

'Aw, but I can't help but touch you~! Besides, why don't you relax and let it happen... hm?'

'N-No! Please, you can't!'

'Come on, let me have this.'

​

Let me have this. 

Calista had climbed on top of him, panting like the rabid dog she was. No shame or remorse. She just wanted him. And she knew he wanted her too; he was just too shy and too brainwashed to admit it. 

So, she had grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips, her tongue forcing its way inside his mouth.

'What a waste to keep such a pretty boy unloved, when I could love you so well...'

'Uhm... ah... Calista... no... mmm!'

'Just let your big sister take care of everything~'

'Calista, no! Please, don't do it!' He had begged her. 'I can't... we can't do this!'

His eyes were glassy with tears, his face flushed red, as his hands tried to push her away, all while his cock was rock hard beneath her.

'You're so excited though...'

'No, I'm not! I'm scared!'

Calista had just continued, even if she felt a little sick to her stomach. 'Shh... just let me make you feel good, that's all I want. You want to make your big sister happy, don't you?'

'Please... please stop...'

He had cried.

Real tears. He had fucking cried, and Calista, in a moment of clarity, had shoved herself off of him, her heart hammering in her chest, her stomach turning upside down in guilt.

And she had left. Just like that. Straight to the bathroom to throw up.

The point of no return. The point where she might've as well put the barrel of a gun on her brother's head.

The necrosis of their relationship.

Because from then on, Damien didn't so much as look her in the eye. He had completely, and utterly, retreated from her and into himself, avoiding her at all costs.

Of course, he never breathed a word of what had happened to anyone else, but it didn't matter.

Calista had broken her own brother's trust and love. She had fucked him up, and there was no coming back from that. If she had just confessed her sick feelings earlier, maybe he could've understood. Maybe he'd have accepted it.

But to act on them like that, to force herself onto him, was unforgivable.

She had apologized to him many times after, but he never really heard it. Never really forgave her. And once again, Damien underwent another drastic change because of her.

The guilt was so heavy, and she felt so disgusted with herself, that she'd decided to distance herself from him, just like he had.

If he was uncomfortable with her, then so be it. She wasn't going to force herself into his space.

Hate.

Perhaps to justify herself. To make herself stand on some sick moral high ground, she began to hate him as well.

It was his fault, she told herself.

He was the one who led her on, who gave her hope, who made her fall into delusions. He was the one who wrote little pieces for her. Who sought her out. Who made her feel like she was the most important person in the world to him.

He was the reason she became so obsessed and greedy.

It was his fault. Not hers.

It was a flimsy excuse. No real bite to it. A forced indifference she painstakingly cultivated to go back to normal. 

That was how she had kept herself going, in this fucked up relationship with her brother.

xXx

Calista hastily reached for a cigarette. 

"... No? What are you talking about?" Damien frowned at her, his fingers frozen on the strings. "I thought I was serenading you."

'You little shit!'

Calista sniffed, wiping furiously at the tears that wouldn't stop falling. "No, you're trying to pull my leg! That's what you're doing!"

'And it's working! Is he trying to make me cry?'

Why were men so damn cruel? Hadn’t she already apologized enough? 

"Pull your leg?" Damien asked with a puzzled expression. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you dare act all innocent with me!"

"Then what the fuck is it, Calista? I'm just singing! Just singing! This is something I came up with and wanted to perform for a certain someone." He raised his guitar, gesturing vaguely at her with an exasperated expression. "What's wrong? It can't be so bad that you're crying."

Her lips wobbled when she tried to speak. It only took a couple of seconds for him to rise from his seat and sit right next to her.

There was concern and confusion on his face. It looked genuine, and she really hoped it was. This couldn't be another ruse, another game. Right?

"Why do you pretend not to know..."

"......"

"Why do you act like you can't see what you're doing to me..."

"I really—"

"Oh, you think I'm just overreacting. That I'm being oversensitive."

"......"

"Then how the hell am I supposed to react, Damien?" She half-cried, half-yelled, then realized how loud she was being and strangled her voice into a hiss. "I thought you'd be over that... that we'd be over it by now. That we could just be... normal again."

Calista continued to wipe her nose and tears as she let out a sniff. She couldn't even stand to look at him directly, but the silence coming from his side was nerve-wrecking. Was he annoyed? Angry? Upset? Did she sound absolutely bonkers right now?

Was this another one of her breakdowns?

"... Am I making you feel that way?" Damien finally spoke; she couldn't get a read on his expression.

"Nngh. What do you mean, 'feel that way'? Feel which way?"

He moved the guitar to the floor as he stared at her seriously. "Like I'm... misleading you?"

"So... you know, you're not just pretending... right."

She laughed, and it felt as harsh on her throat as it sounded.

Damien tilted his head, his face scrunching up in a conflicted frown. He glanced to the side before sighing. "No, I'm not pretending. I just didn't want to assume..."

"Assume what."

His frown deepened. "Calista, you're not making it easy for me."

Calista gnashed her teeth and stood up abruptly. The chair wheeled away. She slammed her hands on either side of him, on the desk.

The expensive set-up she had, the monitors and speakers, all rattled from the impact. Damien looked up at her with those big, cat-like eyes of his. Not a single neuron of fear or even alarm flickering through those eyes. "I'm not making shit easy for you? For you? Damien, you haven't talked to me in months! You haven't even once approached me...! Didn't even look at me! Not once! Surely you can see how dissonant that is compared to this!"

Asking her to help him with a ridiculous song. And then immediately coming up with a new song whose opening lines basically hit the nail on the head of her current turmoil. Calista had distracted herself from the issue by going all out on the song—though it wasn't easy.

And then she came to realize just how much of a mistake that was. 

She should've kept her distance. She should've just let him find someone else to take care of his 'artistic' pursuits, because she was in no state to be assisting him in this endeavor.

She was too compromised.

"Okay... okay." Damien reached up and took her hands. He pulled them down from the desk and held them gently. Calista's breath hitched in her throat. "Calista, can you tell... what exactly is going through your mind? And your heart? Because you're making it seem like I've hurt you when... that's not what I intended."

Damien looked so lost as to what the actual problem was, but the fact that he was still sitting there, holding her hands—that's exactly what bothered her. Mixed signals. Damien didn't use to be like this; he would've never done something like this.

Still in a daze, she simply blurted out.

"Damien, I nearly... I nearly raped you."

"......!"

His eyes snapped wide open, as if he were hearing this for the first time. Then understanding dawned on him even when Calista’s eyes crinkled as tears welled up. She didn't even try to hold them back.

"... I nearly raped you!" She whimpered, trying not to bawl outright in front of him again. "Back then, on your 16th... I nearly... I didn't ask your permission... and I'm so sorry." His hands released her, and she practically fell on her knees, sobbing. "I'm so sorry, Damien. I never wanted to hurt you... please, don't do this to me anymore... I can't..."

He remained silent for several tense moments, but despite her crying fit, Calista knew he was thinking deeply. It wasn't a strange idea, considering how often she witnessed him spacing out like that.

When he finally decided to move, his hands grabbed her face and he forced her gaze up.

There wasn't even a shadow of disgust on his expression as he moved his head down so they could make eye contact.

He brushed away the wet hair sticking to her cheeks with such tenderness, and Calista honestly had a hard time digesting that. Her mouth was stuck half-parted, breathing through his firm hold, eyes wet and round. "And why did you do it?"

"Because... because..." A tear slipped through despite her best efforts and rolled down. She squeezed her eyes shut. "I thought... I thought you were leading me on... and... I couldn't help myself. You didn't... do anything wrong... I was the problem, I–"

"Leading you on..." He spaced out, thinking deeply. When he blinked out of it, his face seemed troubled, as though a realization had occurred. "What you did was terrible, Calista. There's no excuse for that." She flinched, looking down. "But if my behavior was truly the catalyst for... your actions, and for how badly you're feeling now... then I'm partly responsible. I don't know how to... feel, exactly. But I'm willing to bury the hatchet, so to speak. You're clearly blaming yourself and beating yourself up far worse than any punishment I'd give you. So... what was my fault, can we agree that is now a mistake I won't make again, alright? Can you give me a second chance and forgive me, even knowing what an unintentional mistake it was? And in return, I'll forgive you. A clean slate, but only this time."

Calista was sure her jaw was unhinged from her skull at that point, or that her lower lip was halfway down her chest. Had the sun exploded?

"F-Forgive you... what are you even asking for forgiveness from in the first place! You haven't done anything!"

"Please. Just say yes. Let's leave all this shit behind us and move forward."

The frustration seemed to be building up in his face, but his voice remained eerily composed. 

He was no longer smiling at all. 

He was giving her the full extent of his serious, frowning face, and Calista felt compelled, like any other person in his position would.

'That's unfair...' She thought, letting her hand rise up to cup his.

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