Chapter 40: Avoidance

During the morning and evening commute, the train was always crowded enough to make breathing feel difficult.

People poured into the carriage like a rising tide.

Shoulders brushed against one another.

Shoes scraped across the floor.

Phones chimed with notifications.

Conversations overlapped and intertwined.

The entire carriage was packed.

Xia Jiuwei stood in the middle of the crowd, one hand holding onto a strap.

When the train pulled away from the station, the carriage swayed slightly.

The passengers around her tilted with the motion.

Occasionally, someone's shoulder would bump into hers.

The hem of her clothes brushed against strangers again and again.

The distance between them was so small they were practically pressed together.

Yet somehow—

she felt impossibly far away from all of them.

As though she were standing in another world entirely.

She lifted her head.

In the reflection of the train window, she saw herself.

Pale skin.

Light violet eyes.

And hair so white it stood out no matter where she was.

Even surrounded by people,

she still looked out of place.

The apartment door opened.

Xia Jiuwei stepped inside.

Her movements were slower than usual.

As if something invisible dragged at her.

She stopped at the entrance for a second.

"Lu Nian'an."

Her voice was slightly hoarse.

"You were right."

She paused.

"...Probably."

Silence settled between them.

Lu Nian'an had been organizing documents.

Her hands slowed slightly.

She didn't turn around immediately.

Only after a few seconds did she finally look toward the doorway.

"You saw it?"

Her voice was quiet.

Careful.

Testing.

Xia Jiuwei didn't answer right away.

She stood there, her gaze distant.

After a few moments, she gave a faint nod.

"Yeah."

Then added,

"I saw most of it."

After those words, the silence between them only deepened.

Lu Nian'an slowly set down what she was holding.

She moved gently.

As though she were afraid of startling something fragile.

She looked at Xia Jiuwei.

"...Come inside first."

In the end, that was all she said.

Xia Jiuwei froze briefly.

Then walked into the apartment.

The sound of running water filled the bathroom.

Hot water poured down from above.

Sliding along her hair, her shoulders, her arms,

before gathering into small streams around her feet.

Steam gradually filled the room,

blurring everything into soft outlines.

As though a thin veil had descended between this place and the outside world.

Separating them completely.

Xia Jiuwei stood beneath the water without moving.

She liked showers.

It felt similar to those few moments immediately after waking up.

When her mind was empty.

No images.

No voices.

Only the sound of water.

Steady.

Monotonous.

Endlessly washing over everything.

She closed her eyes.

Water slid from her eyelashes.

Slowly, she raised a hand and let the stream flow through her fingers.

The warmth was real.

Yet the more tangible that reality felt,

the stronger the sense of dislocation became.

As though the quietness here had been deliberately manufactured.

Created solely to keep the chaos outside at bay.

She lowered her head, watching water run from her body.

And with it came another kind of exhaustion.

A deeper one.

Slowly surfacing.

Suddenly, she found herself thinking—

if only all of this were a dream.

Just a long, long dream.

Then all she would have to do was wake up.

And she could return to her old life.

Return to a time when...

she hadn't lost anyone yet.

She remained beneath the water for a long time.

Until even her breathing began to slow.

Only then did she gradually open her eyes.

The world beyond the steam was still blurred.

By the time she stepped out of the bathroom, dinner had already been prepared.

A Western-style meal sat neatly arranged on the table.

Almost too neatly.

A scented candle flickered nearby.

Its faint light and gentle fragrance wrapped around the room.

"Come eat dinner."

Xia Jiuwei looked at her.

Stayed silent for a while.

Then nodded.

"Okay."

Maybe this was fine.

The following days passed in much the same way.

Nothing became worse.

Gradually, Xia Jiuwei began to develop an illusion.

This place didn't feel like reality.

It felt more like a carefully maintained refuge.

And Lu Nian'an was the one holding it together.

Every day, she still stepped into the shower.

Water fell from above.

Warm.

Steady.

Unbroken.

As though standing there meant she no longer had to think about anything.

She closed her eyes.

Occasionally, fragments of memories surfaced.

Only to be washed away by the sound of water.

Again.

And again.

Sometimes, she would suddenly wonder—

what if this really were a dream?

If that were true, then perhaps as long as she never woke up, she would never lose anything.

She realized—

she seemed to be losing the courage to open her eyes.

She didn't want to lose her grandfather.

She didn't want to lose Lu Nian'an.

And she definitely didn't want to face that incomprehensible world again.

At night,

she curled up in Lu Nian'an's arms as she always did.

The other woman's arm rested lightly around her.

Her breathing was steady.

Her warmth was steady.

Like something that wouldn't fall apart.

Slowly, Xia Jiuwei closed her eyes.

And her thoughts gradually sank into darkness.

Late that night, the room was quiet.

Quiet enough that only breathing remained.

In her sleep, Xia Jiuwei shifted slightly.

One arm reached out beside her.

Empty.

There was nothing there.

Her movement paused.

Consciousness slowly rose from the depths of sleep.

Moonlight slipped through the gap in the curtains.

Spilling across the sheets.

Across the back of her hand.

Carrying with it a faint, unreal chill.

She opened her eyes.

Her vision was still blurred.

After sitting there for several seconds, she slowly pushed herself upright.

The small rabbit slippers on her feet made no sound against the floor.

The hallway outside was dim.

Only a narrow strip of warm yellow light leaked through the crack beneath the study door.

Stretching across the wood-patterned flooring.

As she approached, faint sounds drifted through the gap.

The tapping of a keyboard.

Pages turning.

A voice lowered almost to a whisper during a phone call.

Xia Jiuwei stood outside the door for a long time.

Only then did she slowly push it open.

Lu Nian'an sat at her desk.

The light fell across her profile and her fingertips.

Her expression was focused.

Documents still waiting to be processed were piled across the desk.

Clearly, she was busy with something important.

She hadn't noticed the person standing at the doorway.

Xia Jiuwei remained where she was.

Without speaking.

Simply watching her.

That familiar warmth was right in front of her.

Yet separated by a distance she couldn't bring herself to cross.

Her throat tightened slightly.

Something lodged itself inside her chest.

She wanted to walk over.

Like she always had before.

To simply wrap her arms around her.

But she didn't move.

Her fingers tightened briefly.

Then slowly relaxed.

After standing there for several seconds,

she turned away.

Quietly.

Carefully.

Without disturbing anyone.

Once she stepped out of the study, the hallway fell silent again.

The warm strip of light was slowly sealed behind the closing door.

She returned to the bedroom.

The bed remained exactly as she had left it.

Only colder than before.

Xia Jiuwei slowly lay down.

Curling herself beneath the blanket.

Quietly.

Gently.