Chapter 37: Definitely Not Crying

Inside the shower, the steady sound of running water drowned out the faint, broken sobs beneath it.

Drops of water slid down Xia Jiuwei's cheeks.

They weren't tears.

Just water.

Hot water streamed endlessly over her, flowing from the top of her head down her body.

If she could do it over again—

she would have imprinted Grandpa.

It was something she normally did without even thinking.

So why...

Why hadn't she done it this time?

Why?

The hatred nearly suffocated her.

Grandpa's death should have been enough.

But now, even his body had been taken away.

She couldn't accept it. Not this.

His disappearance was America's fault.

Yet somehow, she couldn't even summon that anger.

Her chest felt hollow—cold, empty, and full of regret she couldn't shake off.

The shower was filled with ragged breathing.

She opened her mouth.

Then closed it again.

But her body had already begun to tremble.

The sound of her teeth chattering.

The trembling she couldn't suppress.

The sobs slipping from her throat.

Little by little, they escaped the bathroom.

What was omnipotence supposed to change?

She wanted—

wanted to destroy something.

To make America pay.

But...

every time she thought of Lu Nian'an,

she remembered that she had already lost enough.

She couldn't lose anyone else.

If only she could stay beneath the shower forever.

Then she could keep crying.

And pretend nobody could hear.

When they had first returned home, Lu Nian'an had watched Xia Jiuwei walk into the bathroom like someone who had lost her soul.

She hadn't said a single word.

And somehow, that made it even worse.

Lu Nian'an didn't leave.

She simply stood quietly outside the bathroom door.

Every now and then, the sound of running water was mixed with sobs that couldn't quite be hidden.

Each one tugged painfully at her chest.

The thing she had feared most had finally happened.

But she didn't know what to do.

Back then, when she had been at her lowest, when she had needed someone to pull her back,

it had been Xia Jiuwei who stepped into her life.

And now—

there was nothing she could do.

All she could do was stand outside the door, listening to the water running inside, overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness she couldn't put into words.

After a long time, the bathroom door finally opened.

Xia Jiuwei kept her head lowered.

"...Don't look at me."

Her voice was hoarse.

Her expression was stiff.

Loose pajamas hung from her frame, and damp white hair still dripped water onto her shoulders.

She didn't say anything else.

She simply walked into the bedroom.

Then crawled onto the bed and wrapped herself completely inside the blanket.

Like a cocoon on the verge of suffocation.

Lu Nian'an remained where she was.

But the words kept echoing in her head.

Don't look at me.

For a moment, she couldn't help wondering whether her concern had become a burden.

Yet she couldn't stop herself from being afraid.

Afraid that the girl in front of her was drifting farther and farther away.

Buzz—

Her phone suddenly vibrated.

"Sis, this is bad. Take a look. We've got another problem."

A young man's anxious voice came through the phone.

"...Alright. I know."

Opening the file Lu Zhiyuan had sent, she immediately realized how troublesome the situation was.

And of all times, it had to happen now.

She lowered her gaze to the document in her hand.

Then looked toward the girl curled up on the bed.

After several seconds of silence, she set the tablet aside.

A shadow peeled itself up from beneath her feet.

It took the shape of a dark figure identical to her.

Without a word, the shadow accepted the file.

Meanwhile, Xia Jiuwei remained hidden beneath the blanket.

She didn't want anyone to see her.

Especially Lu Nian'an.

She didn't want her to see what she looked like right now.

The space beneath the blanket was dark.

Stuffy.

But that small patch of darkness allowed her to breathe.

Maybe she had always been nothing more than a filthy mass of resentment.

Now she was simply becoming more like it.

For years, she had been "saving people" within the Under-Reality.

She had seen too many twisted grudges.

Too many breakdowns.

Too much despair.

She had always thought she could face those things calmly.

But only now did she realize that none of them had ever truly left.

They had simply continued piling up deep inside her.

And today—

It finally cracked open.

She had nothing left.

Nothing.

She wanted to lose control.

Wanted to destroy something.

Wanted everyone to rot alongside her.

Yet the last fragments of reason kept dragging her back from the edge.

But she really—

really wanted to destroy everything.

After all,

she had already lost what mattered most.

Just then, warmth suddenly approached.

Together with the blanket, someone gently wrapped their arms around her from outside.

The embrace was light.

But it never loosened.

Xia Jiuwei froze.

Somehow...

it felt a little better.

A tiny voice drifted into her ears.

"I'm not looking at you..."

"I'm not looking..."

As though comforting her.

Or carefully obeying her request.

The moment she heard it, a sharp ache spread through her chest.

She had hurt her.

Hadn't she?

She opened her mouth.

But what came out was nothing but another choked sob.

She didn't know how much time passed.

The warmth surrounding her slowly withdrew.

Suddenly, she was alone beneath the blanket again.

And colder.

Instinctively, she curled up tighter.

Her fingers clutched the edge of the blanket as though trying to hold onto the last traces of warmth.

Rustling sounds came from outside.

After a while, Lu Nian'an's voice softly broke the silence.

"This is for you... hurry and eat."

Xia Jiuwei remained silent for several seconds before finally revealing a pair of violet eyes from beneath the blanket.

Looking through the narrow opening, she saw a bowl of porridge.

Steam slowly drifted upward.

Steam curled upward, softening the air around it.

She stared at it blankly.

A wave of bitterness suddenly rose within her.

It was only an ordinary bowl of porridge.

Yet she felt as though she could hardly bear that kindness.

She didn't deserve it.

Not like this.

Not when she was filled with darkness, misery, and thoughts of destruction.

Even she hated the person she had become.

Yet Lu Nian'an hadn't left.

Slowly, Xia Jiuwei extended a hand.

The moment her fingertips touched the bowl, she flinched from the heat.

But in the end, she still pulled it into her arms.

The next moment,

both she and the bowl vanished from the room.

The manor within the Under-Reality was unbearably quiet.

Xia Jiuwei sat beside the window with her head lowered, eating the porridge one spoonful at a time.

Warm steam brushed against her face.

It eased some of the stiffness frozen into her body.

But the warmth spreading through her mouth only made her nose sting.

Suddenly, she remembered.

A long time ago, someone had cooked for her like this as well.

Back then—

she hadn't lost anything yet.

She lowered her head and quietly finished the porridge.

But the hollow inside her remained exactly the same.

If anything, that small bit of warmth only made it stand out more clearly.

Holding the empty bowl, she sat there for a very, very long time.

Eventually, she returned to reality.

The room was dark.

Only a dim light remained beside the bed.

And Lu Nian'an was still sitting there.

As though she had been waiting the entire time.

Xia Jiuwei said nothing.

She simply slipped back beneath the blanket.

A moment later, familiar warmth embraced her once more.

Quiet.

Careful.

It wasn't until late into the night that Xia Jiuwei finally emerged from the blanket she had hidden inside for so long.

The room was dark.

Only a faint trace of moonlit night filtered through the window.

This was fine.

In the darkness,

maybe nobody would be able to see her.

Slowly, she turned over.

Facing away from Lu Nian'an.

Her eyes remained open as she stared into the dim room.

But sleep refused to come.

Her thoughts were a mess.

Whenever things grew even slightly quiet, those memories surfaced again.

Grandpa.

Her regret.

The endless grief and anger.

Without realizing it, she curled up tighter.

Then, warmth pressed gently against her back.

An arm wrapped around her waist.

Xia Jiuwei stiffened slightly.

A moment later, something soft brushed against the back of her neck.

As though checking that she was still there.

Her heartbeat stumbled.

Nothing had been said.

Yet the suffocating pressure crushing her chest seemed to loosen just a little.

Only a little.

But it was enough.

For one brief moment, she didn't think about Grandpa.

Nor the things threatening to drive her mad.

She simply focused on the warmth behind her.

The breathing was close.

And the person holding her was warm.

As though someone in the darkness was holding on to her, refusing to let her fall any further.

Slowly, Xia Jiuwei closed her eyes.

She didn't know how much time passed.

But eventually, the tension that had left her entire body aching began to fade.

Little by little.

And within that quiet warmth,

she finally fell asleep.