Chapter 19: Separate Lives

"Where were you, Conan?"

Hazel, unable to restrict herself anymore, let the question burst forth.

They had exited the event center, and were now in one of the numerous rooms of the palace. Most likely a private living room from the way it was arranged.

Gold leaves curled along every arch of it, and at the far end, a fireplace large enough to walk into crackled quietly, its mantle carved with more gold ornamentation than Hazel had seen in her entire life combined.

Several clusters of plush white couches were arranged around gilded tables, each one facing the fire.

It was on one the couches that Hazel sat upon the moment Conan led her into the room.

The King raked through his hair with his hand, displaying some elements of stress that nearly made Hazel feel bad for even asking.

"Shouldn’t you be more concerned about the fact that we just lied in front of the entire Lycan world about consummating our marriage?"

His question had an undercurrent of irritation that immediately made Hazel stiffen.

"You’re blaming me?" Her voice rose. His eyes locked with her for the first time since their awkward drive home, and they didn’t look too pleased.

"I am not blaming you," he huffed out. "But we have to—"

"I tried to consummate the marriage yesterday," Hazel cut him off, suddenly feeling a hot desire to defend herself. "But you stopped me. Said we could go at my pace, and there was no rush. You and Becky didn’t have to—"

"Careful, Hazel," Conan said, his voice lowering. The irritation in his voice materialised on his face. "I may have decided to treat you like an equal, but don’t think that means you can speak to me like a child."

"What?" Hazel’s mouth fell open, indignation flaring in her chest. "I am not speaking to you like a child. That is, in fact, exactly what happened, is it not? I tried to, I wanted to, but you told me to stop."

He inhaled sharply.

"Yes," he said, quieter now. "I agree. This is all my fault."

Hazel blinked. Whatever she had braced for, it wasn’t this.

"I shouldn’t have been so considerate of your experiences. Of your anxiety to show me your scars. I take full responsibility for it." He continued, his voice still flat.

Hazel felt her chest crack.

"No, I—" she started, but he raised a hand up, shaking his head. Then he stood up, looking at the fireplace briefly.

"You want to know where I was, Hazel?" He turned to face her. "Where I went this morning? The ’where’ is irrelevant. What matters is I the ’why’ and I have come to a decision."

Hazel swallowed involuntarily, her brows drawing together softly.

"What decision?"

He looked her dead in the eyes.

"I will keep my word to you. You are my wife. I will protect you, take care of you, and treat you as an equal. This doesn’t change my promise to never send you back to Tideclaw." A pause. His throat moved as he swallowed. "But I believe it’s best we live separate lives."

Separate lives.

Hazel immediately rose to her feet, the plush cushions forgotten beneath her.

"You can’t possibly mean that. What do you mean, separate lives? You can’t possibly mean that." She asked, her worry deepening.

Conan looked visibly pained, his throat bobbing again.

"I think you’ll find that I do mean it," he spoke eventually, almost like he had forced the words out. "Hazel we shouldn’t..." He trailed off, exhaling harshly through his nose. "Listen, what I did last night was a mistake. I don’t know what came over me."

Oh.

A mistake.

The word rang in her ears, drowning out everything else in the room, the crackle of the fire, her own beating heart.

A mistake.

Was that all it had been to him? The way he had held her face. The patience in his voice. The way he had asked if she wanted to like her answer actually mattered to him?

Now he was saying this?

"We should still consummate the marriage sometime this week," he continued, his tone shifting into a detached one. Almost like the tone he had used the first time she had met him at Tideclaw. "In case the question of our consumption arises again. Rosie has set the flames, and my mother seems keen on fanning them. We should do something before they get irrefutable evidence. I’ll be occupied tonight, so perhaps in two or three nights. You’ll come meet me in my room instead, and then we can both fulfil our duties."

"Wait," Hazel said, hating the way her voice wavered, hating how small she sounded. Hating how he was so emotionless about it all. "Conan, is it—is it something I said? I just wanted to know where you were. That’s all. I didn’t mean to upset you."

She hated herself even more for asking. Hated the desperation clawing up her throat, hated that her fingers had curled into the fabric of her gown. But he was one of the only persons in this entire palace, in the entire world really, who had shown her anything close to kindness. Real kindness, not the pitying, condescending kind she had grown used to at Tideclaw.

And the thought of losing even that felt like losing air.

He looked down at her.

"No, Hazel it’s not something you did. I...," he muttered, almost to himself.

"Fuck," he said suddenly, his eyes dropping briefly before snapping back up.

Her heart rate picked up. "What...?"

He shook his head sharply. "Nothing." His voice hardened again, rebuilding whatever wall had briefly slipped. "You didn’t do anything. It’s just for the marriage to work. We can be cordial with each other."

Hazel felt the last of her hope crumble.

"Becky and Xavier will teach you what it means to be a queen," he continued, oblivious to just how much her heart was breaking. "They’ll teach you about the human world as well. We intersect with them regularly, and you’ll need to understand it."

"No—no," Hazel said, shaking her head, tears burning behind her eyes. "Conan no. I didn’t want this. I just didn’t...."

She paused, licking her lower lip before asking another question.

"So you regret what happened last night?"

He hesitated, and in that hesitation, Hazel let herself hope, just for a heartbeat, that maybe—

"Yes."

Her heart broke a second time.

"I see," With that, she stood, bowing slightly at Conan.

"Thank you for the honesty." She forced her voice to remain steady. "I will see you around, my king."

She turned before he could see her face crumble, and walked out of the room, fighting back tears with every single step.