Chapter 95 – No Goal at All

Noxx followed Matt in silence.

Two hallways. A short staircase. Another hallway.

The black pajama top she had thrown on was too big for her and hung off one shoulder, and her left arm kept dripping onto the red carpet every three or four steps.

Nobody stopped them.

Two maids passed them, bowed, saw the half-worn pajamas, the open arm, the white dust, Matt's left stump regenerating and the blood in both their hair.

They said nothing.

They kept walking.

Matt stopped in front of a door at the end of the corridor and opened it.

Inside was a room almost identical to the last one. Dark curtains. Red carpet. Black wooden desk. A wardrobe. And an enormous bed, untouched, made, with the sheets clean and pulled tight.

"This one," Matt said.

Noxx went in. Matt came in behind her and shut the door. Then he pointed his chin at a side door.

"Bathroom. There."

And without another word, he went in first. Noxx stood in the middle of the room listening to the water run.

When Matt came out, his face was clean, his hair pushed back and wet, and there was no particular expression on it. His left hand had already grown back almost entirely; the nails were missing and the skin on the back of it still looked new, lighter than the rest.

Matt went to the bed, lifted the sheet, and lay down. Noxx watched him settle onto his side, one arm under the pillow, close his eyes and go still, like nothing had happened.

Noxx clenched her teeth.

"Matt."

"…"

"Matt."

"…What?"

"Do you still feel something for Iris?"

Matt opened one eye. Then he laughed.

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"Fine."

"I don't believe you, Matt."

Matt closed the eye again.

"I already told you downstairs. There's a limit in duels between vampires. You can humiliate. You can tear apart. You can't extinguish. That's all. It isn't affection. It's a rule."

"It's an excuse."

"It's a rule."

"You could have let me finish."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's a rule, Noxx."

Noxx crossed the room in three steps. And climbed onto the bed. Matt opened his eyes.

Noxx sat down on top of him, straddling him, resting on his stomach, both hands planted on Matt's chest and the oversized pajama top sliding off one shoulder.

Matt looked up at her. And did nothing.

Noxx noticed it immediately.

Matt wasn't pushing her off like before. He was just there, looking at her. Waiting for her to say something so he could go back to sleep.

"Something's off about you," Noxx said.

"Oh, wonderful."

"Matt."

"I'm tired."

"Matt."

"Today I blew up a laboratory, got presented to the entire kingdom, got a crown put on my head, got given six spies in uniform, fought twice and lost a hand. I want to sleep."

Noxx did not move.

"The first time I saw you," Noxx said.

Matt waited.

"When I appeared inside your head. When I didn't even know what I was yet."

"…"

"You had more energy."

"…"

"You were more active. You argued with everything. You had horrible plans and you carried them out anyway. You yelled at the queen. You broke things."

Matt said nothing.

"Now you're switched off," Noxx went on. "Deflated. You do what people ask. You accept the gifts. You accept the servants. You accept the crown."

"…"

"Like you're just living each day for the sake of living it."

Noxx lowered her voice.

"With no goal at all."

Silence.

Matt looked at her for one long second. Then he laughed.

"Huh."

"…"

"The girl who lived inside my head. The one who spent entire weeks sleeping in the mental house because existing was too much effort. That girl is now demanding that I have a goal."

Noxx went red all at once, because that comment got to her badly.

Noxx raised her right fist, then brought it down. She brought it down fully intending to hit Matt in the chest, hard, with both hands if she had to, with everything she had left of her anger.

What landed was a tap.

A limp little tap, no weight behind it, that did not even shift his clothes.

Noxx stayed there with her fist resting against him, and felt her eyes burning.

'No, no, no. I'm not going to cry.'

Noxx clenched her teeth and swallowed whatever was coming up, and when she spoke again her voice came out lower than she wanted.

"I kind of miss that attitude of yours..."

Matt looked away, at the ceiling.

"…I didn't know you liked selfish people."

"It isn't selfishness."

"Sounds like selfishness."

"It isn't."

"Then what is it?"

Noxx searched for the word.

"…Desire."

Matt kept looking at the ceiling.

"Desire to do something," Noxx finished. "Anything. Something of your own."

Matt let the air out through his nose. Then he took her by the shoulders and moved her aside.

Not violently. Just firmly, shifting her off to one side until she was off him, and he sat up in bed with his back against the headboard.

"You're talking nonsense."

"It isn't nonsense."

"It's nonsense we've already been over. Several times. In the mental house, for days."

"…"

"We already have a plan."

Noxx looked at him.

"Replace the queen," Matt went on. "That's the goal. Grow, endure, wait, get the houses to accept me, build a power base, and at some point, when it's possible, replace her. That's having a goal."

Noxx came closer again. On her knees on the mattress this time, moving forward until she was in front of him, so close that the oversized pajama top hung open and her chest ended up against his.

Matt did not back away.

"How long?" Noxx asked.

"…What?"

"The plan. Replacing the queen. How long do you think it's going to take?"

Matt thought about it.

"I don't know."

"Matt."

"A long time."

"How long is a long time?"

"A long time, Noxx."

Noxx moved closer.

"I don't like that plan anymore."

Matt blinked, confused, as he registered exactly how much of Noxx was closing in on him.

"Oh, you don't? And what do you want to do instead?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Noxx looked at him.

She looked at the tired face. The dull red eyes. The slumped shoulders…

And that expression…

That damn expression…

"I want to kiss you."

Silence.

Matt went completely still.

"…What did you say?"

Noxx leaned in.

Matt put a hand on her face.

Noxx ran into his palm.

"No."

"Matt."

"No."

Noxx pushed against the hand.

Matt did not let her through.

"Listen to me," Noxx said, her voice pressed flat against Matt's palm. "You accept Aurora's stupid ideas. You accept the queen's orders. You accept six servants you didn't even want. You accept everything."

"…"

"Accept this too."

"Noxx."

"Let me kiss you."

"No."

"Here. Now."

"Noxx."

Matt held her at arm's length, the whole arm extended, and this time he looked at her properly, frowning.

"Where is this coming from? Where is this change of attitude coming from?"

Noxx kept pushing.

"It isn't a change."

"Yes it is."

"It isn't."

"Noxx, twelve hours ago you were inside my head."

Noxx stopped pushing.

And she answered without lowering her eyes.

"In all the time I was joined to you," Noxx said, "there was only one thing that made me genuinely curious."

Matt went still.

"Only one thing that made me want to help you."

"…"

"Your wish to be with your family again."

Silence.

Matt changed.

Noxx felt it before she saw it. The arm holding her back went rigid. His face emptied out. And something behind his eyes shut off completely.

"…"

"That Matt did have a go—"

Matt grabbed her. With both hands. By the shoulders. And in a single movement he moved her aside, turned her, and left her sitting with her back against the headboard, wrists pinned and no room to move.

Fast. Firm. No room to argue.

Noxx went rigid.

Matt looked down at her.

"I'm tired."

"…"

"I am very tired of you reminding me of that shit."

Noxx swallowed.

"Have you not heard any of it?" Matt went on, his voice low. "All those times? All the times I explained to you exactly what happens if we act without thinking? How many times did I explain it to you, Noxx?"

"I can handle the consequences."

Matt laughed, without humor.

"I can," Noxx repeated. "Any of them. Whatever they are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, Noxx."

"Yes!"

Matt tightened his grip on her wrists a little more.

"Listen to me carefully."

Noxx looked at him.

"If you keep going like this, one day you're going to have to handle consequences that aren't easy to handle. Not like the enemies in the cave, who could be killed. Not like the games in the mental world, where if you lost you started over."

Matt lowered his voice.

"But things that are irreversible."

Noxx felt cold.

"Like you."

"…"

"Like Sun. Like Moon. Like Aurora."

Silence.

Matt let go of her wrists.

Noxx stayed where she was, sitting against the headboard, hands loose in her lap and her eyes wide open.

'…Irreversible.'

Noxx understood what Matt had just said, and everything she had been feeling went out all at once.

"…Ah."

Matt moved away and lay back down, with his back to her and the sheet up to his shoulder.

"Go to sleep."

Noxx did not answer. She sat there against the headboard for a long while, her left arm still slowly opening and closing, looking at Matt's back in the dark.

Then she lay down beside him too, without touching him.