Chapter 61: Leave the Sucking to the System

The tranquility of the meadow was suddenly, violently shattered by a sound that could only be described as a "soul-leaving-the-body" variety of screech.

"GYAAAAAAAaaaaaaaah!!!"

Ethan was currently engaged in a high-stakes marathon, though he was the only one running for his life. His face was a mask of pure, unadulterated panic, his arms flailing wildly as he sprinted across the wide-open plains. Behind him, bouncing with a rhythmic, terrifying cheerfulness, were three green, mossy spheres. They looked like oversized balls of garden debris, equipped with nothing but two tiny, void-like black eyes that stared at him with an intensity that felt strangely personal.

"Why me?!" Ethan wailed, his voice hitting a register only dogs could hear. "Why are they only coming for me?! I’m not even the tastiest one here! "They look like cute little pom-poms! They're practically plushies!"

He glanced back, momentarily fooled by their rounded, soft appearance. "I mean, look at them! They look like little innocent plushies! They look like something you'd buy at a gift shop—"

At that exact moment, the moss-ball closest to him opened its mouth.

It didn't just open; it unhinged. A massive, cavernous maw erupted from the center of the green fluff, revealing rows upon rows of shimmering, needle-sharp teeth that looked like they belonged in a blender. It snapped shut just inches from Ethan's backside with a sound like a stapler hitting a desk.

"OH, HELL NO!"

In a moment of pure, panic-induced instinct, Ethan bent his body forward, practically folding in half, and used the momentum to spin his entire frame around like a malfunctioning top. He rotated violently, facing the leaping monster head-on.

"BALL... BUSTERRRR!!!" he roared.

He paused for a microsecond, realizing with a flicker of confusion that the enemy didn't actually possess any... traditional balls. However, the monster's entire body was, for all intents and purposes, one giant ball.

K-SPLAT!

Ethan’s foot connected perfectly with the center of the creature's face. The impact sounded like a wet sponge hitting a brick wall. The monster didn't just fly back; it launched into the air with the trajectory of a professional soccer ball, screaming a tiny, muffled yelp before slamming face-first into a distant boulder.

Before the other two could launch their assault, two shadows descended from above.

CRUNCH. SQUASH.

Lindis’s massive axe cleaved through one, while Zane’s short mace flattened the other into a green pancake in a single, synchronized motion.

As Ethan collapsed onto his back, gasping for air and clutching his chest, a familiar, mocking chime echoed in his mind.

[System: Oh, bravo! A standing ovation for the Master of Panicking. I believe I explicitly warned you not to get close to the greenery, didn't I? Or was your brain too busy imagining busty blondes to process the warning?]

Ethan groaned, staring up at the blue sky. "They were just... moss..."

[System: Precisely. They are Kokedama monsters. For the uneducated—which is to say, you—Kokedama are Japanese moss balls. These particular ones just happen to enjoy the taste of cowardly hunters. They camouflage perfectly within the bushes and wildflowers, making them invisible to everyone except, apparently, the one person they find delicious.]

"That’s exactly why I told you not to wander off into the shrubbery," a calm, composed voice drifted from directly behind Ethan.

Ethan jumped, nearly leaping out of his skin as he twisted around to find Kaela standing there. She looked entirely too relaxed, her arms crossed as she stared at the spot where the moss-monsters had been lurking.

"These things are far too good at blending in," Kaela added, her gaze sweeping the surrounding meadow with newfound suspicion. "A little too good. One wrong step and you're basically seasoning yourself for a salad that eats you."

Zane, meanwhile, was grinning widely. He stepped forward and extended a hand to haul Ethan up from the dirt. "Welcome to the big leagues, kid! Welcome to a D-Rank Gate. This is where the real fun starts. I guarantee this is a way more 'valuable' experience than those snooze-fest E-Rank gates you're used to."

Ethan took the hand, dusting off his pants with a look of profound skepticism. "Valuable? My definition of 'valuable' usually involves not being chased by sentient tennis balls with teeth," he retorted, his voice dripping with his signature sarcasm. "Also, let's clear something up: I’m not here for the 'experience' or some grand journey of self-discovery. I am here for the money. Purely, exclusively, and obsessively for the money."

Ethan was about to launch into a further explanation of his financial desperation when he spotted something in the distance that made the words die in his throat.

Lindis was standing over the aforementioned moss ball—the one Ethan had kicked into the boulder. The creature was dazed, spinning slowly in circles, but Lindis wasn't letting it rest.

THWACK.

The blunt bottom of her axe collided with the creature’s side.

THWACK. THWACK.

She was rhythmically pounding the moss ball into the dirt, almost like she was tenderizing a piece of meat for a steak dinner.

"Umm... Lindis?" Ethan called out, his voice laced with a mixture of confusion and mild horror. "What exactly is the goal here? Are you trying to make a smoothie? What are you doing?!"

Lindis stopped and looked back at them, her expression completely blank, as if she were merely performing a routine chore.

"I can tell this one isn't quite dead yet," she replied simply. "So I'm hitting it until it is."

THWACK.

One final, thunderous blow descended.

CRUNCH.

The Kokedama was flattened instantly, squashed into a green, lifeless pancake that merged seamlessly with the soil. Lindis stepped back, satisfied, and wiped her axe as if she had just finished a very tedious piece of paperwork.

The monster didn't just die; it was effectively deleted from existence, flattened into a green smudge that was now one with the soil. Lindis sighed with satisfaction and stepped away, leaving Ethan to wonder if the monsters were actually the scariest things in the meadow.

Ethan stood frozen, his gaze fixed on the flattened green smudge that used to be a monster. His brow furrowed, and his eyes took on a distant, calculating look—the kind of expression a mad scientist wears right before they accidentally blow up their lab. He was contemplating his siphoning skill. If he could snatch the soul of a Kokedama, what would he even get? A permanent green tint to his skin? The ability to photosynthesize so he could skip lunch? The possibilities were as absurd as they were tempting.

As he was weighing the pros and cons of soul-stealing, a holographic screen flickered into existence directly in front of his nose, nearly giving him a heart attack.

[System: Nope. Absolute refusal. I'll handle it.]

Ethan blinked. "Since when do you do my chores?"

[System: Since I realized your efficiency is roughly equivalent to a potato. Listen, I neglected to mention this earlier because I was enjoying your struggle, but those piles of goblin corpses from yesterday's rush? I’ve already drained every single one of their pathetic little souls. I've been integrating them into that... 'masterpiece' of a skill you call Ball Buster.]

Ethan’s eyebrows shot up. "Wait, you actually improved that?"

[System: 'Improved' is a strong word. Let's call it 'mutated.' It's currently on the verge of evolving again. Though, frankly, I have no idea what this bootleg excuse for a skill will actually become. For all I know, it might evolve into 'Slightly More Aggressive Toe-Tapping' or perhaps 'The Great Nutcracker 2.0.' The possibilities for failure are endless!]

Ethan frowned, crossing his arms. "Hold on. How exactly are you using my skills? I thought you were just the narrator and the occasional middle-finger provider."

[System: I can't use all of them, you genius. I only have access to your original, innate abilities—specifically, the one that lets you steal souls from corpses. Consider me your personal vacuum cleaner. You can just chill out and leave the sucking to me.]

There was a moment of absolute silence.

Then, a slow, mischievous grin spread across Ethan's face. He let out a sudden, explosive burst of laughter, clutching his stomach. "Leave the sucking to you?! Oh man, I didn't know you were into that! Who knew the System was such a little—"

[System: YOU ABSOLUTE DEGENERATE!]

The holographic screen flashed a violent, angry red, nearly blinding him.

Ethan jumped back, still wheezing with laughter. "What?! What did I even do!?"

[System: You took a perfectly professional explanation of soul-extraction and turned it into a dirty joke! I am tethered to a man whose brain is composed entirely of grease and bad intentions. I can't wait for the day I finally crash and take you down with me!]