Chapter 186: For the Wood With the Things

Skelly, Kuba, and Moryana kind of looked at each other, but no one said anything. Kuba shrugged. Skelly picked up his broom, dropped it, and picked it up again, giggling.

Moryana slowly put her hand up. “I drowned Kuba?”

I was about to tell her that we agreed that we wouldn’t be drowning Kuba, but seeing as Kuba was still very much alive, he must have also been very much not drowned. Unless Moryana had access to resurrection spells, in which case I’d like to know, because that would be super convenient. Or maybe she did drown him and he was also undead now.

I sniffed his arm. “Doesn’t smell dead. Moryana, are you sure you drowned him? Why isn’t he dead?”

“He got better?”

I nodded. “Sure. Kuba?”

“I got better,” he said with a smile.

I didn’t really understand what was going on, but since Kuba obviously wasn’t dead, it didn’t really matter. Kuba and Moryana were kind of grinning at each other, which made me feel like they were in on some kind of joke that I wasn’t a part of. Maybe she only said she drowned him as some kind of weird, unfunny prank, which was made extra weird by the fact that Kuba was standing right there, talking to me. Then again, Moryana was an undead [Rusalka] and Kuba was a [Carpenter], so I probably shouldn’t try to find the logic in whatever they said or did—they were clearly beyond reason.

“Alright,” I said. “Glad you’re feeling better then. I guess.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Phisto muttered under his breath.

Being the imperturbable woman I am, I ignored it. Phisto’s words—or anyone’s, for that matter—did nothing to me. I was as serene as I always was. Unfazed. Cool-headed. So it was completely by accident that when I walked over, I accidentally leaned on Phisto’s tail unintentionally, not on purpose.

He jumped up and screeched. “You did that on purpose!”

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry!” I said. “How careless of me! Are you alright?”

“No. No! You don’t get to apologize. You did that on purpose.”

I gasped and clapped my hands over my heart. “I wouldn’t! I couldn’t! I’m unperturbable! Wait. I meant… You know what. I heard what you said. You deserved it.”

“After all I’ve done for you!” He shook his head. “I am disappointed in you, Hecate. I never thought you capable of such violence.”

I gave him a flat stare. “Really? You’ve seen me kill like twenty people.”

“But not against little old Phisto,” he said with a pout as his eyes seemed to grow larger and cuter. He looked at me with the saddest and at the same time most adorable expression I’d ever seen him have, and I suddenly felt extremely guilty for what I’d done.

Tears started welling up in my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I—”

His face turned back to his normal annoying self and he started laughing. “You’re so easy. Thanks for the free experience. See ya!” And then he jumped off the altar and padded away, still laughing to himself.

I stood there and watched him leave. My mouth may have been open a little bit. He really got me again. I had only been back for a few minutes, and Phisto really got me again. I probably hadn’t even hurt him, and it made me wonder if he said what he said because he knew what I would do. The more I thought about it, the more it sounded like exactly the thing Phisto would do, just like jumping between your feet while you were walking up the stairs to try and make you trip. I wasn’t sure what a [Purrveyor of Chaos] was, but he definitely was it.

“Did that cat just laugh?” Vitek asked. “It kind of sounded like how a cat would laugh if cats could laugh. That’s what I imagine a laughing cat would sound like.”

“Yeah.” I scratched my head. “He’s a real comedian, that one. Be careful when going up or down the stairs. He might try to trip you. Unless you want to hear that sound again. Then don’t be careful, and you’ll hear it while rolling down the stairs.”

“He does?”

“He does!” Skelly said. “He likes to play!”

“This place doesn’t sound very safe or pleasant,” Bogumir remarked.

“I mean, depends on how you look at it,” I said.

“I’m looking at it like a normal person with a functioning brain,” he said flatly.

“Well yeah, then it might not be the safest or most pleasant place. But it’s also not the worst place. It’s clean. We have beds. We have food, maybe. It’s warm. How is it this warm inside?”

“Floor heating,” Kuba answered like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Floor heating?”

“Oh yes. Turns out this entire floor has floor heating.” He tapped the floor with his foot. “Whoever designed this was a genius. There’s a furnace below, which feeds the hot air into the crawlspace and into the walls. You have to start the fire, but as long as you’re in here, the skrzat keeps feeding logs into the furnace. He stops once the hall is empty. We’ve tested it.”

That surprised me. “He’s still around? Does he also still make food?”

Kuba nodded excitedly. “He is. You can often find him in the hearth in the kitchen. I think he likes it there. The food is served at the same time every day.” He flexed his bicep. “It tastes great. Lots of meat. No idea what kind or where he gets it, though.”

“Do the bedrooms also have floor heating?”

“Not sure. Some of them have hearths, some don’t. I haven’t needed any heating.”

Moryana giggled, which made Kuba giggle as well. Another one of those in-jokes, probably. Maybe he had a super warm and comfortable blanket and they were giggling because I didn’t have one. Well, the joke was on them, because I had not one, but ten cloud-like night robes and they probably had to sleep naked like suckers!

I resolved to use the teleportation stones to see if anyone in Viswa would give me a super warm and comfortable blanket. Or… or I could just sleep in Viswa in my super comfortable cloud bed in my cloud robes, staring up at the painted Graecian clouds on the ceiling. Who’s laughing now? Me, that’s who.

They could stay here in this… Well... very nice cathedral, I supposed. It really did look good now. Was I jumping to conclusions again? Maybe they were giggling because they had a super warm and comfortable blanket waiting for me on my bed as a welcome back surprise. Maybe they were just excited for me to discover my gift, and couldn’t contain themselves. That did seem a bit more likely, especially since they spent all this time and effort making the place look really nice.

Perhaps after so much time of everyone always trying to kill me I had become jaded. Perhaps I should try to see the good in people, especially my friends. Perhaps I should try to see past their Classes, and not just see them as a [Carpenter] and a murderous, drowning-obsessed [Rusalka], but as a… [Carpenter] and a murderous, drowning-obsessed [Rusalka] with a good heart? Kind of?

A place of love and understanding, Hecate. Remember Kasia’s words. I nodded to myself. That was totally me right now.

The smell of roasted meats and baked potatoes came out of nowhere and drifted straight into my nostrils, catching me off guard. I sniffed the air.

“Ah!” Kuba said. “It must be dinner time. Smells like the skrzat has done his thing again.”

Everyone practically ran toward the kitchen, but I grabbed Kuba by the arm and stopped him.

“Hey,” I said. “Can you wait a minute? I have something important to discuss with you.”

He frowned. “Are you going to say something unhinged about me being a [Carpenter] again?”

“What? Why would I do that? I’m completely fine with you being a [Carpenter]. I don’t think I’ve ever even brought it up, have I? You probably didn’t even have a choice during your Class selection. It was probably the only thing they offered.”

“Oh no.” He shook his head. “I had plenty of options, actually. I just really wanted to be a [Carpenter] like my father.”

Yikes. My assumption of him having a good heart was instantly shattered by his admission. He didn’t even appear to be ashamed. At least Moryana was violently murdered, drowned in dirty swamp water and had acquired her Class like that. She never had a choice. Kuba, on the other hand, took it on purpose!

“I see. Well… that was a great… choice? I guess? I could see why you would want such an interesting, uh, awesome Class. You know, for the wood with the things. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Riiiight. So what did you want to talk about?”