Chapter 146

Is a stable heart rate something one should be interrogated over as proof of being in one’s right mind?

No.

If I was shaken in the recent past, must I maintain the same reaction today too?

No.

Is it reasonable for someone who used to scold me because another person’s heart rate was noisy to suddenly take issue with it being quiet?

No.

Three strikes of no.

Therefore, this situation does not accord with reason.

Then why can I not protest at all?

Far from protesting, I had somehow been dragged all the way to the terrace and was strangely watching his mood.

I am not someone who pointlessly watches other people’s moods…….

After some time like that.

Cha Si-eon, who had been silent heavily, finally opened his mouth.

“Mr. Seo Do-un, do you feel no sense of wrongness about your own situation or mood?”

His voice was still serious.

But I could not easily grasp the context.

The part where he tripped me and struck the wall to check my heart rate could simply be considered purposeful rudeness that Cha Si-eon carried out as casually as eating.

But what exactly is this atmosphere, and what exactly is this question?

“Before that, what are you doing right now, Team Leader?”

“What are you asking?”

“I am asking about the nature of this situation. Whether it is grievance handling like before, or a post-event interview.”

“It is neither. It is fact-checking.”

“Why are you doing that? Is it worry, or suspicion?”

“What is the difference between the two?”

“Worry ends after asking after my condition. Suspicion has follow-up measures.”

At my explanation, Cha Si-eon thought for a moment before answering.

“About 7 to 3.”

“Suspicion 7, worry 3?”

I asked back, surprised that there was as much as 3 worry.

Cha Si-eon corrected my misunderstanding.

“Suspicion 7 and duty 3.”

Mm, then it is not surprising.

Relieved after confirming that Cha Si-eon was indeed in his right mind, I answered.

“I am in my right mind.”

“Are you certain?”

“What exactly are you suspecting……. No, before that. What is the difference between worry and duty?”

“Worry ends after only asking after your condition, but duty ends only after understanding the circumstances as well.”

So he was telling me to give him an answer he could accept.

I looked at him sourly, but Cha Si-eon did not particularly care.

Rather, he interrogated me in an even more solemn atmosphere.

“Even last week, Mr. Seo Do-un reacted seriously to matters related to contamination.”

“Last week?”

“I mean when you saw Lee Sol.”

“Who would not be shocked after seeing that……?”

I listened quietly, then asked back in disbelief.

Hey, and was I shocked only because I saw Lee Sol then?

I was shocked because the child I thought had gone home was locked up underground in the building where I lived, and everyone but me knew it.

Remembering my bewilderment from that time, I grew upset all over again.

But Cha Si-eon did not particularly explain himself and continued speaking.

“Mr. Seo Do-un was conscious of contamination before and after the interview with Contaminated Person No. 71, and when you saw Lee Sol last week, you were severely shaken. But today, you calmly mentioned the possibility that a transformation had occurred in yourself.”

Listed out like this, Cha Si-eon’s suspicion did seem to have some plausibility.

I had said before that I was afraid of becoming a monster.

It was true that I had been shaken almost to the point of panic when I saw contaminated Lee Sol, and Team Leader Cha must have confirmed that through my heart rate.

But today, Oh Tae-o had thrown a direct question at me, and I had accepted it as if it were nothing.

Team Leader Cha must have thought the device was broken because of that, so he tried tripping me first.

Hahaha, no matter how I look at it, the real madman is you.

I had finally connected the context, but it was not particularly refreshing.

That was because Cha Si-eon was still serious.

“I do not find that attitude convincing. So I would like Mr. Seo Do-un himself to judge it as well.”

No, even so, is this really something to argue this much over because of heart rate?

Or does he truly think I have been contaminated in some unknown way?

Perhaps he might also be doing a preliminary check before the 「Railway Station」 operation.

That seems right.

This operation will be truly dangerous if variables arise.

If I think about it that way, I can understand why Team Leader Cha is serious, but…….

“I am saying I am in my right mind. What exactly have you been telling me to judge since earlier?”

There was no way I would feel good when he was questioning my mental state without any basis.

But Cha Si-eon did not stop interrogating me and said again,

“I am telling you to confirm whether that is truly Mr. Seo Do-un’s own thought, or whether you may have lost rationality without even knowing it.”

“No…….”

I tried to refute him with a sigh, then looked at Cha Si-eon because the wording somehow felt familiar.

Then I suddenly recalled the words we had exchanged here before.

-What exactly does losing rationality mean?

-Exactly as it sounds. One’s thoughts are distorted and reason grows clouded, so one commits wrong actions. Without even realizing that one is doing wrong.

-Is that the monster Mr. Seo Do-un defines?

-Yes. By my standard, that is a monster.

-Then I will help you come to your senses from beside you.

……Could it be that the “duty 3” he mentioned earlier is this?

I looked at Cha Si-eon in half-disbelief.

It seems that is right.

It seems right.

No, I did say at the time that I would be in his care.

But I meant it as a conventional greeting. I did not expect him to come interrogate me this seriously……?

Besides, if I really do become strange, how exactly is he going to make me come to my senses?

You only have physical methods.

Suddenly, I remembered what Cha Si-eon had said in the manager’s office earlier.

-I will let him rest.

……I understood only now.

It seemed Team Leader Cha’s seriousness also included the context of the father and daughter, Lee Seop and Lee Sol.

Was he thinking the situation was suspicious, with Seo Do-un following after Lee Seop and Lee Sol?

“Ha…….”

After barely understanding the situation, I let out a sigh.

Then, erasing the exhaustion from my face, I spoke in a clear tone.

“I am still rational.”

“…….”

“And you said my attitude was not convincing, Team Leader, but there was a sufficiently rational process for me. So you do not need to worry.”

“What is that rational process?”

“I ended my inner conflict and adapted to the situation.”

Even though I had gone to the trouble of answering, Cha Si-eon’s expression asked what on earth I meant.

Even when I explain it nicely like this…….

But because he still looked serious, I decided to be a little generous.

“I have already worried and been pessimistic to my heart’s content, so I decided to stop. It is not a problem that gets solved by continuing to cling to it. Besides, as long as I am here, I will hear things about contamination almost every day, and reacting to each one every time would be too much of a waste.”

It might be different if this were a sadistic novel that explicitly showed the process of a character slowly falling apart.

But endlessly repeating the same anguish is clearly a waste.

In a novel, a waste of pages; in reality, a waste of time and energy.

I had reached that conclusion not long ago, and my current state was the result of it.

But Cha Si-eon’s expression still showed remaining suspicion.

“Is that something you can do just by deciding?”

“In any case, I managed it.”

“Then you should have decided that sooner.”

“Do you think this is easy? It is a mental victory I achieved with great difficulty over time…….”

At his successive provocations, I flared up again and answered through clenched teeth.

Did Team Leader Cha think this sophistry was my rationality?

For some reason, the suspicion faded a little from Cha Si-eon’s face.

This is truly ridiculous…….

Quite absurdly, it seemed Cha Si-eon had thought my way of thinking had changed for some reason.

And he had remembered that this was the condition for becoming a monster, as I had defined it.

Perhaps the one overreacting to contamination was Team Leader Cha, rather than me.

“So you are saying that is how you accepted your own state?”

Mm, that definitely seemed to be the case.

Seeing how he insisted on asking even though I said I was fine.

“I decided not to be swayed by every little thing. And if I think my situation is not necessarily only bad, it is surprisingly all right.”

“What exactly is all right about it?”

“There is something I can do with it.”

“…….”

“At the very least, I am not being tormented meaninglessly, so I decided to treat it as all right.”

It was not pointless bravado. I meant it sincerely.

Somehow, I too had come to know.

What kind of person Lee Seop was, and what kind of child Lee Sol was.

Lee Seop had screamed for help in all kinds of places, then took out his own heart and showed it to us.

Lee Sol was the daughter Lee Seop wanted so desperately to save, and if that child died, there would be many people who would grieve, many who would suffer, and many who would be crushed to death by responsibility.

At this point, heaven itself ought to move to save Lee Sol, and fortunately, I had the method to do it.

So I had truly decided to treat it as all right.

Being entangled with 「Crow」 was a disaster and a calamity to me, and to me, that bastard was like an enemy from a previous life, but once I assigned meaning to it like this, it was not only a bad thing.

“Have you confirmed it now?”

“Yes. I have confirmed it.”

Cha Si-eon finally nodded.

For some reason, I felt as if I had passed a test and let out a sigh.

Good grief, this is tiring.

Thinking I could probably go in now, I rose from the bench where I had been sitting alone.

Then Cha Si-eon suddenly asked me,

“Are you writing a will too, Mr. Seo Do-un?”

A will?

“Yes, I intend to write one this time.”

When I nodded, Cha Si-eon told me something unexpected.

“It is best to write your will as shamefully as possible.”

“Shamefully?”

“Then you will somehow make it back alive.”

I wondered what he meant, then belatedly understood and let out a laugh.

Was he saying to leave behind a will so humiliating that I would clench my teeth and survive?

No, this might be a trap.

A trap where I alone write it shamefully, I alone die, and then I truly become the only one shamed.

So I asked back with suspicion.

“Team Leader, do you write yours that way?”

“It is a method I use often.”

---

I had decided to write my will at dawn.

But that became difficult today.

It was now 3 a.m.

The members participating in the 「Railway Station」 special operation had set out for site reconnaissance before the real operation.

We were currently at Yongsan Station.