Day One Thousand One Hundred Twenty-Four

Dear Diary,

Thinking about what I said yesterday, I'm maybe a little sheepish. Which is progress, what with fucking something up in a really simple, I ought to know how to avoid it kind of way, which would have had me hating myself and wanting to die three years ago. But I did a whole assed rant, then maybe not only didn't stick the landing, I also didn't explain what set it off. Which might not be quite as obvious as I think it is, and part of the whole mindful reflection, journaling, diary thing is to spell things out rather than leaving them nebulous.

Okay, that's how it is for me, your mileage may vary.

But the whole point of my rant is that I'm now getting in a visceral way the emotions of privileged people when they have their noses rubbed in somebody else's lack of privilege. That could be seeing somebody who makes more money, pays bills more regularly, has a better work history, and every other bit of what you'd think is 'good credit history' having a fifty point lower credit score because they're brown. Or a hundred points lower if they're Black. Or it could be seeing somebody gunned down in cold blood because some dipshit 'feared for his life'. I swear, if I ever catch a Hero doing that, they will not die, because I will not let them, and I will permanently Co-Locate one of me into the cesspits they're digging from then until eternity or Redemption explaining why that shit don't fly.

Fuck, even when I'm tryna make up for the results of my lack of focus, I digress. But as noted, this is an old, imperfectly healed injury, so it fucks with me. At any rate, I got a moment to stand in the clueless ally's shoes the other day when Red went off, because for the barest moment I didn't feel fear or anger. Just confusion.

But the thing I failed to point out is that I wasn't unaware that the Pirates were prejudiced. I'd seen the signs, noted them, but hadn't called the Pirates out, because other than some subtle shit that I only clocked because of said old injury, they mostly kept that shit under wraps.

The biggest example, I think, would be when I Shapeshifted into my kids, and they reacted to Maze and Ria like I'd seen people, even well meaning, progressive people, who didn't understand the propaganda they'd been exposed to, clutch at their purses or lock their doors or just walk faster and give a wide berth to a young Black guy walking to the store. I realize now that some of them don't even realize they're fuckin' doing it. Like pre-Expedition Lachlan, just convinced that because their intentions are pure, they can't do anything hurtful or harmful.

That's not true, but after three years of increasing privilege and self-examination, I realize that there's nuance to shit, and the appropriate response is entirely dependent on intent and action. Like, Hayreddin, in my mind, falls somewhere between Lachlan and Lenny. The former is pure good intention, but utterly clueless about his own habitual reactions being quietly harmful, where the latter is fully aware of everything they're doing, but are rational enough that they can keep that shit in check once they're informed that it's unacceptable.

Fuck, I think I'm actually scuttling sideways into understanding how to dismantle Shit Pyramid. Maybe. Like, when I got here, if I had the power I had now, I might have just stomped that shit flat, and fuck anybody who got squished or splattered. Which is itself kinda shitty behavior. But I've just realized that for any given person above the ground floor of the pyramid, there are different appropriate responses. Somebody who genuinely climbed up to get a better view and play lifeguard to people drowning gets a ladder, or maybe one of those water slides. Somebody who did it purely out of greedy self interest gets a 'tuck and roll, motherfucker' and yeeted toward the nearest unoccupied puddle of shit down below. Somebody who is actively trying to stop me from dismantling the pyramid... Well, shit, if they're doing it knowingly, at best they get their Agency revoked for some period of time, at worst I'm gonna feed them their limbs via their own asshole, maybe rinse them in the deep Atlantic to get the worst of the smell off, then swallow that shit, because Venom is right about the danger potential of digested enemies.

Yes, it's gonna taste like shit, but so's a dude who doesn't get enough fruit in his diet, unlike my new friend Vince.

Fuck, now I wanna get Vince a tee shirt with an arrow pointing at his crotch that says 'tasty tasty treat dispenser'.

Anyway, after listening to Saffron and Tallulah hammer out the details of our agreement with the Pirate Captains to help her with her new constitution all day, I was not in the best of mental shape when we went home. Purely a psychological thing, which means it's all in my head, but that's where I am, at least metaphorically. Even if Metaphorically I don't actually have a head.

As I sat down to dinner, I tugged Saffron over to me. "Kitten? Do you mind if I maybe Co-Locate tomorrow?"

She shot me a knowing smile and asked, "just tomorrow?"

I shrugged. "I mean, we've got the Rich Man's Port part done, so the rest ought to be easier and quicker, right?"

She took a deep breath, then let it out, and I realized I might have fucked up. But then she smiled again. "I wish it were so, love. I mean, in some ways it is. We spent the past week and more establishing common ground, working out a shared vocabulary and setting expectations. Then today," she paused, and I felt the sun set. "yesterday, now, we worked out a single item of the four we need to finalize."

"But...?"

She giggled at me. "Sixth, right after your piercings."

"Which I do not yet have."

"You will."

"I'm in danger!" I loved the way doing the Wiggum voice put a smile on her face, even without her knowing any of the references.

She just laughed and said, "oh, you will be. I will do horrible things to you."

"Like?"

"Plunder your every natural resource. Even," she lay a surreptitious hand on my belly. "Colonize you."

Yeah, that hit like spreading the cheeks of the the most delicious ass in creation right as it let out a noxious fart. "Yeah, no. I mean, yeah, I like the implication, but the word has history for me."

"I'm sorry, love."

I hugged her. "Don't be. You didn't know, and I'm just experiencing essence of confused lady boner."

"Oh, well. To clarify, I'm going to work my way through your list of favorite orifices, then fill you to overflowing with seed before forcing it all into your womb."

I wound up sitting there, open mouthed, staring at her as she smiled, then giggled, then fed me dumplings, gravy, and meatballs. The kids all declared me silly. I think part of that was what finally broke me free of that whole stun locked by declaration of intent thing.

Aisling came over and tugged at my skirt. "Hnnh?" I grunted.

"... silly ..."

Yeah, that broke the logjam loose, and I laughed as I swept her up and hugged her, then did the same to Saffron. "Yeah. Yeah, I get that way, especially when your Mama Saffron talks about making you more sisters."

She'd gone very, very still when I said the words 'Mama Saffron'. Then she reached out one trembling hand, laid it on Saffron's arm, and whispered, "... Mama?"

Saffron just wrapped her arms around the little one herself. "Yes, Aisling. You have a whole host of Mamas now. Tabitha and I, Siobhan and Marie, even Tallulah."

She got a little bit of a booger look at that, and I quietly asked, "are you feeling okay to talk about things tonight?"

After a long time waiting, while Saffron and I fed each other and our tiny girl bits of dinner, she finally breathed out, "... maybe ..."

So when everybody trundled up to the Bath, I nodded to the others and stepped the two of us up to my office, where I picked up my chair, stepped outside, and closed the door behind us. I still kinda forgot how beautiful the stars looked without any sky glow, so for a while I just sat there, chair leaned back against the wall of my office, Aisling in my lap looking up as well.

Eventually Aisling whispered, "... Mama ..."

"Yeah kiddo?" She stiffened a little. "Do you need... Want Hailee up here? Or Isnomi? I figured we're a ways away from everybody else, with a bunch of stone between us, so if you get a little loud, you won't hurt anybody."

She turned to look at me. "... really?"

I nodded. "I mean, it stings a little when you shout like that. But I'm not gonna run away from you or send you away over something you can't control."

She let out a single sob and put her arms as far around me as they'd go.

"Just so you know, I think you'd be happier, maybe even safer, if you worked on maybe controlling it a little bit." She looked up at me, and I continued, "couple of us in the house have some danger in us. You. Me. Menace. Most of the kits. Even Maze. And they're all the ones who didn't have to work to get dangerous." At her questioning look I explained. "Alex and Ria both are practicing their fighting. Alex so she can be a Hero. Ria... Maybe the same, I think."

We sat there for a while as she chewed that over. Eventually she whispered, "... how?"

"Well, you're always whispering because you don't trust your voice, right?" She nodded. "You could try using it up here."

After a while she repeated, "... how?"

I smiled down at her, then nudged her to look at the sky. When she was looking, I looked up and quietly sang.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

how I wonder what you are.

Up above the sky so bright,

like a diamond in the night.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

how I wonder what you are."

By the middle of the second round of 'twinkle' I heard a tiny voice join me. Bit by bit it got louder as we sang the song again, and odd little harmonics made it look like like the stars were twinkling in response to her singing. We sang a third time, and I started making up silly nonsense lyrics, but she stopped at that point.

"Okay, kiddo. I get it. Did you enjoy that?" She nodded. Then I took the tiniest risk. "Why are you worried about the others being your Mamas?"

She froze. Then, so quiet I almost thought I'd imagined it, she whispered, "... dangerous ..."