Day One Thousand One Hundred And Sixty-One

Dear Diary,

Y'know, with everything going on, I really didn't expect to have a quiet day today. Also, given the frankly ridiculous amount of trauma I've been processing about my mother, I'm surprised that I'm not falling apart.

Of course, if I were even slightly less dedicated to the idea of growing up and dealing with my trauma, I would let that shit lie and wind up with a completely boring day. But of course I can't do that shit. Who the hell do you think I am?

Yeah, when all else fails, anime comes through. Shonen or Shoujo, doesn't matter in the end, really. They're all just... Fuck on a stick they're all just stories. Y'know, you'd think by now your girl would have recognized that connection, realized why I'm so into all those old stories, understood how much power I wound up with after spending all that time reading back in the day. Fuck, honestly knowing me I probably did realize it, but forgot, or realized it, didn't catch the implications, then forgot, remembered, caught the implications, but never did anything with it.

Sometimes it seems like dealing with my trauma and learning to be an actual mature adult woman is like Merlin building Demonreach. Yes, I read Dresden. No, I didn't get to finish. Yes, I'm stealing that shit as soon as I can Scry up somebody who has it at some point when I remember I want to finish reading it.

So yeah, thinking about how I haven't been utterly sidelined by my grief over what happened with my mother... With Domnu... I really think I may be leaning on that leftover grit that suffused my Maw for the weeks after I ate her. Seriously, that crap is pure, high grade dissociation in gritty orally applied form. For values of 'orally applied' that apply to orals the size of most major sports stadiums. Including the parking lots.

I guess... Honestly I think that sometimes dissociating from my grief is a survival mechanism. Something I need to do in order to keep doing what I need to do in order to avoid further trauma. Seriously, I'm pretty sure if I'd gotten my ass through processing the shit that went down at Yule faster, or at least gotten myself to a state where I could function well enough to chase down the Spartans, we might have caught and killed them before they hit the New Year's celebration. Shit, we might have caught that northern group before they captured Jack and Karen.

Now, I could get all weepy and self-abusive about that, or I could realize that I now have a coping mechanism, that I can do better now, and dedicate myself to doing better going forward. Make sure that if there is a way for me to keep my kids, or any kids, really, from being traumatized the way Jack, Karen, and Aisling have been, I do whatever that is. Also, for what it's worth, I've got safe spaces in the sense of location and time to have my breakdowns when support is within arm's reach. Okay, with my tentacles 'arm's reach' is much longer than normal, but still.

So yeah, plenty of fodder to talk with the fam about tomorrow, but I'm gonna wait for tomorrow on that. I'm not gonna dwell on any of it today. I'm not borrowing trouble or trauma, I'm gonna live each day as it comes, and not beat myself up for not knowing what I don't know, not doing what I don't know to do.

I will also declare myself Princess of Narnia alongside Saffron, with Lachlan and Linus as our Princes, only with way less Christian allegory and way more homoeroticism. Not that there wasn't any in that shit, but it's not like Lewis was woke enough to pick up on what he was putting down.

Yes, that was me sarcastically pointing out that while I'm gonna try to do all that shit I said, the odds of me actually succeeding are less than a coin flip, and I am also going to do my best to accept that with humor and as much grace as I can muster.

Of course, there's another reason I'm a little worried. Talked with Saffron about that today after dinner.

Well, okay, after she ate.

Look, I'm tryna be oblique here, making it clear that when Saffron looks at me and says 'fancy Goof', her reaction is not unlike a cat that's had expensive wet food served up on people dishes. I do not known what everybody else in the house ate for dinner, because I for one did not consume anything. Anything or anyone. Eating, on the other hand, in the Metaphoric sense...

Yeah, at one point I must have muttered something like, "don't see what you see in that," at which point Marie, in full fancy Academy Maid outfit, eliminated my ability to see anything but the underside of her skirts. Also my ability to talk. I think the two of them switched places at one point. Not sure. Distracted.

Afterward, the three of us lay there dressed in our fanciest and frilliest, one of us tucked under each of Marie's arms as she licked at the tops of our heads, combing our hair with her tongue. It took me a while to get my brain and mouth connected to my coherent speech centers, but eventually after staring at how adorable the two of them were, I managed it.

I pushed my Blend around the three of us. "I think we may have a small problem."

I'd seen a serious frown flash across Saffron's face when i pushed my Blend up, but it melted back into a serene smile as Marie licked at her hair. Marie tongue be like that. "What's that, love?"

"Our new opponent."

She nodded. "The one we're working to free the English Pirates from?"

Yeah, both of us had realized that with somebody good at both Scrying and setting up passive Divination, we'd need to be oblique as shit talking about what we knew. We couldn't really stop her from figuring out what we were doing, at least not without copious amounts of Cold Iron, but we could keep her from knowing what we knew, or giving her any more purchase when it came to Scrying.

"Exactly. She's... Shit, not sure you'll get the reference."

"Use it anyhow?"

I nodded, lacing my fingers through hers atop Marie's apron. "She's coming at us sideways."

She chuckled. "That saying is remarkably ubiquitous then."

I shook my head. "Yeah, the reference isn't, though. I don't think."

"Explain it, then?"

I nodded, but took a bit to think how to translate a vibe from a full season show and movie into something comprehensible to somebody with none of the cultural background I had. After a bit I gave up, shrugged, and went for it.

"Okay, so she's got all kinds of intelligence sources. The Magic ones we've got various defenses against, some passive, which means they've been screwing with her all along, some active, which means they've only interfered with her by chance. The Mundane Mortal ones... Are slow, and we've already seen evidence that they're unreliable." I paused for a second. "Any, uh, Mystical or Divine Woo shit is probably facing both issues, but without more info we don't know how much of each."

"Mystical?"

I shrugged. "Shit that isn't Shaping, but isn't Mundane." Like this.

Saffron got a considering look on her face, and I waited until she asked, "do you think she's High Clergy of The Morrigan."

"Shit. I hadn't thought of that, but now that you mention it I wouldn't be surprised. But whether she is or not, it only makes sense for us to assume she's got non-Magical, but also non-Mundane ways to gather information."

She just nodded. "You've been thinking about this?"

I shrugged. "Kind of came to me in the middle of... Uh... Tryna figure out..."

"Whose skirts were blocking your view?"

"Eh. I kinda knew. You don't have a tail. Also not fuzzy. But yeah, sometimes right in the middle of that part of my brain decides to fuck off and ponder deeply unsexy crap. So I kinda ignore it and concentrate on what I'm doing, but it doesn't always work."

Saffron just smiled at me and asked, "did you enjoy it anyhow?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Me too."

"Me Three."

We all got a laugh out of that. "Okay, I get it. No feeling guilty over shit my brain does without my permission. Point taken, Kitten and Mittens." I got a thought, and Saffron's eyes shot wide. "Marie, you are not to do that while we're talking strategy."

"Pity."

"I doubt that will take all night."

"Yay."

I have no idea how my big tiger wifey can make a deadpan 'yay' sound more thrilled than Siobhan literally fainting from joy, but she can. Which meant I figured I needed to wrap things up faster.

"Okay, so we know her knowledge is imperfect, and we known we've got to keep shit as under wraps, confusing, and frightening as possible for her, right?"

Saffron thought about that. "Frightening?"

"Yeah, jump scare shit. Saying her name when we're doing something she already ought to know about, but will disturb her, like when we're loading up Cold Iron sixteen inch shells."

Saffron Grinned. "Regarding that, we're taking a page from the Spartan book."

"Dafuq?"

"Smith Jon is working on air burst shells with Cold Iron powder. It will make things extremely unpleasant for any Shapers we're fighting, and I suspect your old world would call them a War Crime if used against the Fae, but given that three of the four Sailors who've had our enemy's long term enchantments removed wound up stridently demanding we allow them to take up arms against her, deploying those might sow serious confusion amongst our enemies without doing too much long term harm."

I spent half a second thinking about what would happen to Ria, Maze, or Aisling if any of them breathed in that crap, then said, "I get what you're saying, but we keep that shit under guard, and use it only if we have to. I don't want anybody getting the idea of doing that to innocent Fae from us."

She frowned, but nodded. "As you wish, love." Then she sighed. "At least building them lets us begin to understand how to protect against them. At any rate, go on."

"Yeah, so along with practicing opsec on shit as well as sending out misinformation and psychological warfare, we also gotta be ready for her to be fuckin' smart."

Saffron tilted her head. "Not that I object, but why?"

"Because she's the first person we've come across... Okay, the second I know of, whose very first attempt at us, maybe the first two or three, have been oblique. Shit we might have a hard time tracing back to her." When Saffron still didn't seem to get it, I spelled it out. "She's not gonna let me get anywhere near her if she can help it, and if she catches wind about the kids, or Siobhan, or anyone else that's gonna distract me if they're in danger, she's gonna use that as a distraction, not a threat."

"No?"

I shook my head. "I react violently to threats. Distractions... Shit, that's my Big Weakness, that I've only got one discrete attention to pay, and it pays itself to random shit already if I'm not keeping it in check."

"So... Someone as indirect as The Master, as underhanded as Oliver Orange, and as intelligent and talented as Elle?"

I nodded. "Yep. We gotta assume full on Evil T in full effect."

Saffron's Grin was absolutely a War Crime waiting to happen. "I almost wish you could Happen to her."

"Huh?"

"Oh, please. Tell me she wouldn't drive you to the same kinds of things Elle has done. Only without Elle's ability to survive them."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, let's save that for maybe plan end-of-the-alphabet? Because I can't see myself walking away from that without trauma."

"And yet you've not told me no?"

I shrugged. "Shit, traumatizing myself to protect my loved ones is practically my go to. But I'm trying to do better."

"I know, love. Would you mind sleeping in here tonight?"

"Sure. Why?"

She smiled upward, and when I followed her gaze I met her eyes in the mirror. "I like the view."

So yeah, today was pretty boring. Taught Math. Cooked pies, both warm ones that kept their heat well and ones that were still tasty cold. Guarded the bodies of my Archmagi, all three of them, although frankly at this point I ought to call it bodywatching rather than bodyguarding. Talked with Saffron in our Academy suite office about her Shaping research Shapes and her System Spell.

Leaned on Domnu's last gift to me, the least unhealthy coping mechanism I've been able to find.

I hope.