Day One Thousand One Hundred And Seventy-One

Dear Diary,

Kinda odd, really. I think I may be getting the hang of lying as a Deity.

Okay, given how many Deities there are, how many of them are Tricksters of one sort or another, and how many otherwise 'bound to truth' entities manage to nonetheless get reputations for being deceptive, I think the real truth is that there are as many ways for Gods to lie as there are Tricksters. Probably more.

I'd welcome you officially into the inter-Pantheon League of Tricksters, but you've kicked the door in and swaggered around the place long since.

Aw, man, did I miss out on getting the official keychain? Or the tattoo? Is there a secret handshake?

Do you really think that any group as disparate as ours could agree on such a thing?

So... One for each pair of Tricksters then?

Y'know, I think I really did suffer from not having a dad around. I mean, it's not exclusively a 'dad thing' to radiate pride in your kids, but where I came from everybody thought of that as a dad thing. We'll come up with ours next Sunday then?

Sure thing, Dad. And because you're involved? It's sure to be the best. Just like you.

I know.

Back to what I was saying, I've figured out a way to lie as a Deity. It's blindingly simple, really.

Tell the truth.

Yeah, I know. But the thing is, when Red asked me about why I didn't just wade in and snuff out the Faerie Queen's fleet, the answer I gave him was true. But it was far from complete, and looking back on yesterday, not even the most important part.

There's lots of reasons I didn't flex like I could have. Like I told Red, with the Sidhe Cutters joining the fray, I had to hold myself in reserve in case they came up with some wacky shit.

Another layer that I didn't mention was something Saffron said to me back during the Kaiju invasion. Our people, whether that's Heroes, Sailors, Troops, or even our Merchant Marines, need morale. Yeah, knowing I'm there if things go to shit is part of that, but if I step in and take over on things they can do, it's gonna wind up with them not feeling like they can get the job done without Mama Tabitha holding their hand. It's a balance, I guess, but it's not unlike my girls. Yeah, I take care of things that are clearly so far beyond them that they'll wind up failing so bad they never want to try again. I'll also step in if they've tried and failed often enough that they're getting frustrated. But mostly when it's something clearly within their abilities, or even something they need to stretch for, I'm gonna let them do it. Let them fail if they need to, because you only learn by failing. You can't smooth out imperfections without seeing those imperfections.

I mean, yeah, 'life or death' makes that harder, but fortunately while I have a kind of maternal feeling for everybody in the fuckin' Alliance, it's not so bad that I can't let the professionals do their jobs. Or semi-professionals in the case of the Merchant Marine. The more they see that, the more they do their jobs and succeed with me there as a safety net, the less they need that safety net.

Isn't that just a fuckin' blessed thing, that just like the whole point of the Alliance, the point of Saffron's' work, is creating a world where Heroes aren't needed any more, or at least not needed nearly so often for so many things, I'm maybe working towards a world where... Where the people of the Alliance don't need me. The surplus to needs kid is actively choosing to help people not need her, and not out of any kind of self-negation. I mean, I hope not. Have to talk to Dad about that on Sunday. Maybe after we've figured out our Secret Trickster Dap though. Gotta make sure I got my priorities straight.

Speaking of priorities and my motivation, that kind of leads into what I think is the most important reason. The one that, in the absence of all the others, would still stand. Even though I think it might scare enough of my followers that I'm not gonna put it all out there.

Agency.

Yeah, the status quo when I got here was absolute shit, with Deities doing whatever they could to keep as many humans as possible as desperate as possible. Fear and pleas. Heh. I just realized that could fill in for 'hopes and prayers', because hope is fuckin' scary shit.

Slight digression, I know, but I don't think I hold with that 'Hope spitting a tooth out, dirty, stained, bedraggled' imagery. Not sure why, but somehow... I think Hope, in the moment she arrives, always looks beautiful. Oh, she's not frail or a wilting violet or anything, and she absolutely will curb stomp a motherfucker, but Hope... Hope is made of trumpets and drums and bagpipes and screaming joyous defiance. Importantly, she's made of those things in places and times where and when nobody thinks those things should be there. So yeah, the person who just had Hope reach a hand out to them is spitting teeth and ready to take on the world with nothing but fists and remaining teeth and attitude, but Hope? Hope is beautiful. Hope is dozens of Marie erupting from the biggest Hole Spawn on the field. Hope is a Cold Iron Battleship dropping out of the sky.

Hope is a red dress.

But back to my point, and I promise I did have one, even if I figured out a way to Co-Locate one of me to everybody in the Alliance, fuck everybody in the world, and followed them around and made sure nothing bad ever happened to anybody ever again, that's not... Okay, it is better than fucking everyone over, but 'better than the worst possible thing' isn't what I'm going for. It would still be removing the possibility of failure. Which also, oddly enough, removes any and all benefits of success.

I don't mean everything should be on hard mode forever, but if their Personal Tabitha does everything for somebody, that person is never going to grow. Never going to become everything they could be. Never be able to take risks that lead to enormous triumphs, because without failure, there is no risk, which means there is no triumph.

So yeah, it's a balancing act. One that I can't even start figuring out how to do, because I can't be everywhere for everyone. But I still need to figure it out, because even at my current limitations, I can do a shit ton of stuff that would have a lesser, but similar effect.

I guess it's like an NFL player who wound up on a Pee Wee League roster benching themselves. 'Oh, but they could win easy' is true, but it also would make the struggles of the other kids meaningless. Their victory would be hollow. Now, the moment some roided out short teenager steps onto the field acting big and bad, Mister NFL can step onto the playing field and level it. And the asshole teenager bullying little kids.

But I think that's what I need to do. Figure out a way to level the playing field. Then focus on keeping that playing field actually level. Not 'one guy starts at the finish line, two more start halfway, three more have training and nice sneakers and performance enhancing drugs, and the other ten are running on an hour's sleep, caffeine, and the kind of drive that would make Fort Minor sit up and say 'who the fuck was that''. Yeah, that got away from me, but I think that's what I've done a lot of this Season. Not so much being the Star Player as being the ref.

I think that could work. I hope that will work. I hope my Kitten is down for that.

You will not hold yourself out of the action in our personal playing field, Goof.

Uh...

I am explicitly talking about the Bed. Although the gently undulating field of your tentacles is equally included.

Oh! Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I think I can participate there without any kind of need to hold back.

Not unlike the kitchen thing. Could I create food for everybody in the Alliance out of nothing? Maybe. Would I feel some kinda way about that, especially if the farmers wind up unable to sell their crops, or worse wind up unable to make food for whatever reason? Definitely. Am I way more than okay with taking raw materials and using the kind of ordinary normal Mortal Skills any chef could practice and get and using those skills to turn those ingredients into top notch food, then maybe feeding that to my faithful? Or anybody else who catches my eye? Yeah, kinda.

Shit, I think it might even be a good idea for me to toss the extra ingredients in my gullet or down my Maw to make up for the Mana I use duping stuff.

Oh. Oh, fuck, I just realized, that 'normal Mortal Skills' thing. Loki did that. Back before I won him all kinds of Glory and new Worshippers, when he had nothing else, even if I didn't know it then, he came for me and rescued me at my Court Martial using nothing but 'ordinary normal Mortal Skills'.

I did. I... Surprisingly I do not regret not being able to force things, but I think my former self might have.

Yeah, that's because he's not the best. You are.

I know. 

So after Admiral Swanson ended the battle yesterday by dropping Cold Iron powder all over the Faerie Queen's fleet, things ended pretty quickly. It turns out that Leanan had put her whammy on just about every fuckin' officer in her fleet, and when they got a lungful of Cold Iron, those who weren't knocked cold wound up pissed as fuck, and not at us. There were plenty of casualties, but surprisingly few fatalities after the depth charges started going off.

I know there's gonna be cleanup to do, and not just chelation for the folks who got lungsful of iron powder. But that... That's for later.

As that started happening, Saffron joined me aboard the Training, where I'd been filling in for Tallulah, who'd scooped up all the Alliance Fae who couldn't handle Cold Iron and stepped them directly back to Rich Man's Port.

"I think we're done here."

I nodded. "What's next?"

She sighed. "I think we need to talk about Elle's nemesis, but it can wait."

I blinked. "Uh... Isn't L..." A sharp look from Saffron had me swallowing the name. "What's more important than that?"

She smiled at me. "The Equinox Revel?"

"Oh. Here I thought you were gonna say our anniversary."

She blinked, a smile slipping across her lips. "You remembered!"

"Yeah. Yeah, but that's not today. Or tonight." The sun chose that moment to hit the western horizon. "Or today."

"Oh?"

I nodded. "Yeah. We got married the day after the Equinox. So our anniversary is tomorrow."

"Are you sure about that?"

Her coy Grin tempted me to change my mind, but I held firm and answered, "yep. That's when I made our reservations for. So we'll be celebrating that tomorrow."

She took me by the hand and stepped me westward, Co-Locating me to my Temples. My other ladies waited for me, each at her own Altar in her own Temple. I felt them using the back of my brain like a chat room still, only now for entirely different, happier reasons than any impending battle. My Kitten looked up at me and said, "or the day after."

I shook my head, smiling. "Yeah, jumping back and forth across the sunset is kinda wonky. So, we've got a couple hours until the Revel starts?"

Karen, slipping into my lap in the Temple of Love, shrugged and shook her head. "Unless you'd prefer to put a hold on this, people seem to be starting already."

I glanced around and realized that she wasn't talking about 'adult activities'. Which was good, because there were kids in the room. Including, surprisingly, most of my own. Aoibh, Hailee, and Aisling all clustered around my Altar in Newark. Okay, Aoibh didn't 'cluster' so much as 'nurse' while Siobhan sat in my lap, but that was fine too. I chuckled. "Feasting?"

"It is a traditional part of Autumn Equinox Revels. Even if we've focused on other things recently."

I thought for a second. "Isn't it a big part of Yule? The Winter Solstice?"

Each of my ladies smiled at me. Some warmly. Some coyly. Some with lots of teeth. "Revels are a celebration of life, love. Life, and everything that goes into it. Eating. Drinking. Singing. Dancing."

I smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, I think that's..." I paused, a frown sneaking onto my face. "Have I fu... Messed things up with my Friday night Revels?"

All of them laughed. Again, some quietly, some raucously. Marie chuckle-purred and said, "Only Goof."

"Indeed," agreed Saffron. "You've never realized, have you?"

"Huh?"

Karen took that moment to clear her throat and say, "apologies, Goddess. As your Highest Priestess, I thought you knew. All of that goes on with almost every Revel, even if people indulge lightly in food and drink, so they might not spoil their own enjoyment of other activities." After a moment's pause, she smiled at me, and I caught echoes of that not only from my other High Clergy, but from the rest of the congregations. "You focused so much on your partners, on the volunteers you wished to honor and cherish, that in those moments, nothing else existed for you."

"Sorry I missed the rest."

"No reason for you to do so tonight, though. It not being Freyday, no one expects that."

I smiled back at all of them, and at my congregation. "Yeah. If you all don't mind me just, y'know, being another Reveler?"

They all chuckled and shook their heads. "You will never be 'just another Reveler' to any of us, love. But to have you Revel with us with no expectations, no responsibilities beyond being here with us, enjoying the night to the fullest? That would be lovely." Saffron paused, then all of my ladies gave me the exact same expectant look. "So, shall we?"

I smiled back, raised one hand, which got me the immediate attention of every person in every congregation in every one of my Temples.

"Before we begin? I love you. All of you." So cute seeing so many people blush and smile all at once. But I wasn't gonna keep them waiting just for that.

"LET'S REVEL!"