Day One Thousand One Hundred And Forty-Two

Dear Diary,

Okay, my shitty self-image has really taken a beating over the past couple days.

Just to clarify, my self-image hasn't gotten worse. I'd say kinda the opposite, but I'm still sorta sitting here staring at the wall wondering how the fuck I've managed to do the shit I've done.

First of all, there's my mother. Domnu. The former Mor Primordial of Darkness, of Privatives, from whom I have now inherited the Skill 'Private'. It's not an adjective. It's a verb, defined by Status as 'the ability to remove an aspect of something, up to and including existence'. Yeah, that shit's not broken at all. I'm not exactly sure why Mother never used it on me. But maybe, just maybe, I wasn't talkin' out my ass when I told Menace that, in her own twisted way, Domnu loved the two of us.

At any rate, I guess it's only now dawning on me that I went head to head with one of the primal forces of creation and won. Okay, one of the other primal forces of creation, because I pretty much count. Yeah, I went into the thing with a massive advantage. Shit, multiple advantages. Home field advantage. Coring tentacles throughout her advantage. Numbers advantage, although I'm not sure whether that was meaningful or not except holy fuckin' shit I just realized that all my Ladies backing me up, right there over my shoulder, was absolutely the exact advantage the Academy trained us for, the one they adopted and adapted from the Sacred Brotherhood of Thebes.

I had the Power of Love on my side. Mother... Didn't. Yeah, I think she loved us, but I don't know that she really understood what love is all about. Or maybe she did, and that was her attempt to show it, throwing everything on the line to protect her daughter and granddaughter.

Shit, I just made myself maudlin again, although as a note I still won, and other than guilt and sorrow and not being able to taste anything properly, I walked away without a scratch on me. Shit, I was worse off after de-Bobbiting Jackville.

Then yesterday, during family therapy, when Menace dropped that line about not being mad at me, just sad. I mean, she's not wrong. I'm not happy about what I did. I'm sad. I'm the opposite of happy. But it's taken me like a week just to get to this point, and I'm not sure I would have if she hadn't laid it out like that. The others... I'm not sure the others ever really realized that Domnu was in fact their grandmother. Not in the same way Menace had. She's been mostly off doing Domnu things with...

Shit. I'm still not thrilled about the fact that Big Willy Johnson is gone. The man deserved better than that. Still, I can't bring him back any more than I could bring Domnu back.

But my point, the thing that really hit me, was when that thought about Menace getting to be more mature than me ran through my brain, utterly boggling me, a sad chuckle filled my head, followed by Dad thinking, of course she's maturing well. She's got an excellent mother.

I turned to Saffron, who thought, he means you, love. And he's absolutely right.

Before I could even try to argue with that, Siobhan chimed in with, you spend so much of your time making sure that none of them face any avoidable trauma; instead of recovering from that trauma the way you spent most of your youth, they can be children.

Tallulah kept up the assault on my self-loathing when she added, which allows them to do what children do best. Grow.

Before I could fully process that, Marie added, Grow Big. Grow Strong. Grow Healthy. Grow Up. Then she chuckle purred into my brain and finished me with, Vlickies best Mama.

I'm... I'm a good mom. I'm not just getting that from my kids saying it. Yeah, every kid's gonna say their mom is the best, because they're competitive little shits, and they'll say it to their moms because if they don't, their mom might stop making them tasty treats. Not that my mom ever did, not after she started working three jobs, but still, you get my point.

But it was my partners who said that. Marie, who is absolutely the wifiest wife to ever wife, and has mastered every practical aspect of momming. Siobhan, who is the sweetest woman I have ever met, and I mean that in far more than the 'tasty to suck on' sense. Gotta get her in boy mode at some point, but digressions aren't gonna get me today. Tallulah, who might treat her kids like prized breeding experiments, but unlike Lenny Lancaster, she's not a dick about it. She really does love her kids, and she wouldn't accept anything less than the best of mothering for them.

Then Saffron. Heh. Always Saffron. A mother who denied her own Patron Goddess when that Goddess stole her child away. A woman who became an Archmage just to make sure our child was healthy. Who credits me with that child being alive, being safe, being the awesome little Menace that she's growing into.

I'm a good Mom, and that... I guess that's part of the whole 'being who you needed as a kid'.

Good Mom. Slayer of Primordials. Somehow I like that former one a lot more.

And then there was today.

Got home still reeling, ate... Something. Hard to remember with every flavor muted, and I'm not the one who made it. Marie had Tallulah and Doc G working as her sous chefs, I just sat there nomming. Then stumbled up to the Bath carrying the kids, helped them all shower clean, then carried them all into the Bath proper and played Kaiju Mama with them. Not sure why, just... Wanted to play with them, and that's a game they all enjoy.

Okay, Aoibh is too young, but the others all did. Shit, Aisling, Isnomi, and Maze teamed up to take me by surprise and leave me on my ass at the bottom of the Bath more than once. The first time I came up after that she looked a little uncertain, but when I picked Menace up and blew raspberries on her belly while she giggled, then did the same to Maze, by the time I turned to her she didn't even run away. I even got a little giggle out of her the first time, and that giggle got wacky silly the second time, what with it echoing from every kid in the room.

I mean, when she realized that was happening she clapped her hands over her mouth, but shortly thereafter my musical quartet absolutely mobbed her and insisted she join them today.

Which... She didn't. She's not ready for that yet, and I had to step in to let them know when I saw her starting to shrink away. But after I stepped in and got them to back off, she whispered, "... later? ..."

Yeah, I think they're gonna keep asking every day until she gives in, but hopefully I can keep it all positive. Keep it so she knows her sisters want to spend time with her, not that they're gonna force her to do something.

Dreamt of my ladies doing more choreography. I don't know how I know it's choreography, I just do. But one at a time each of them dove from the West Tower into my Maw, with the rest all sitting there with score cards. Furtim Cauda played the harsh judge, giving everybody kinda shitty scores that the others frowned at until she took her turn. Bitch went into the Maw with barely a ripple. Then again, Trolls have them some awesome aquatic skills. Might want to get Furtim to give Maze and Aisling some lessons at some point maybe.

In the morning I gathered everybody up, distributed hugs and kisses, and helped everybody get their daily routines started. I had one of me in the Grand Council chambers, one in the Overlord's Court, one in the Infirmary where I absolutely did not insist that Siobhan wear her cutaway robes, and when she did I discovered that her enhanced curves mean that front window has the underboob to end all underboob. I absolutely did not scoop her up at lunch and take her to the Suite to do a Pit Stop to her, but that's because I never got my face out of that undercleavage. She giggled the whole time, which meant I won.

She didn't lose, mind you. It's a co-op game.

At any rate, she did actually get food, brought from the Kitchen at the Homestead, where Marie and I spent the day cooking. Simple stuff, like bread and bisque.

I got some bisque at lunch too. I cleaned her robes. I did not clean her continuing lack of underwear, because you can't clean what's not there. Also that faint glistening in the undercleavage made me smile for the rest of the day.

I played stenographer as the Captains and our negotiating team worked out... Well, shit. I just realized what my addition to the Contracts amounts to. Specifically my addition to the Envoy contract, which allows the Captains to bring other Captains and crews in on the Privateer, Escort, and Envoy contracts.

Yeah, we've just created here and now's first fuckin' Pyramid Scheme. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do to fix that, but I sure as shit wasn't gonna ruin weeks of work just because of fuckin' Ponzi. Maybe once everybody along the Thames was part of it we could rework something. I dunno, I just lurk here.

Except I really don't. Every other person in that room was looking at me the whole day like I'd invented the greatest thing since pre-sliced bread.

Shit, I did that. I fuckin' invented sliced bread here and now. Okay, I didn't see any until I started slicing mine, so just like Loki invented fishing nets, I invented sliced bread.

Fair assessment.

Wait, did you invent fishnets?

Didn't you just say that?

Not fishing nets. Fishnets. I sent him a mental image of a couple streamers I remembered who rocked fishnets hard.

I... Think I need a pair of those for your mother. Do you think my grandson could craft them?

Really?

Okay, fine, do you think he would craft them?

Eh. Worst case he makes you do something ridiculously embarrassing as a kind of cost.  

Done and done.

Of course it is. Because you're the best.

I know.

Anyhow, I stopped by and asked Conrad to make a pair for each of the ladies as well as Mom.

Thing is, none of that was the coup de grace on my self-loathing. That would be in class today.

I called Doc Roberts over when nobody else needed him, and asked, "hey Doc, got a Math question."

"I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer something you can't, but do go on."

I laughed. "Sure, Doc. It's not like you've been studying a whole decade longer than me. Anyway, I'm tryna remember how to do roots."

"Routes?"

I shook my head. "No. Roots. Square roots, cube roots, uh... I dunno what it's called finding the root of the fourth power, but..." I trailed off as I realized that his eyes had gone wide.

"That's... Very ambitious."

I shook my head. "No, I know I learned one at some point, but... Can you show me how you calculate them?"

"Square roots?" I nodded, and he sat down next to me and gestured to my pen. "May I?"

I handed him the pen and he started writing. The formula was kinda dense, but... Understandable. Of course he winced when I said, "isn't that just an approximate though?"

He nodded. "Yes, but with each iteration of the process, it becomes a more accurate estimate."

I frowned. "Yeah, but..." I stopped talking and started writing. I'd remembered it was something like long division, only not quite, and I sketched it out as Doc Roberts just stared.

"I... Pardon, but could you call Archmage Aetos-Diaz here please?"

"Huh? Sure." Kitten? She looked over at me from where she'd been discussing the final reconciliation. Need you in the Advanced Shaping classroom?

A moment later she joined us, and Doc Roberts looked at her, waved at my chicken scratch, and said, "is this what I think it is?"

She blinked, looked at my calculations, then, her voice reverent, asked, "is this your work, love?"

I shrugged. "I mean, I got the idea from back in the day, but I kinda had to work out how to do it on my own."

"I showed her the Babylonian Method of Herod, but this..."

"Is far more accurate." She turned to me. "This is a square root, yes?" I nodded. "Can it be used for cube roots?"

I shrugged and started sketching the numbers. She watched, humming, until she pulled me around and kissed me. "Thank you, love."

"What'd I do?"

"Solved a mathematical conundrum I'd been stuck on for... Well, for quite some time. I think I can refine the method using Mor-Mimic calculations, but this... This gives me what I needed to do so." Then she leaned in and breathed into my ear, "I think Karen may well insist on rewarding you personally, given how much this will improve her Mana Blade."

I sat there the rest of the day, ostensibly practicing my roots, but really mostly just staring in disbelief.

I mean, me being the biggest of badasses? Sure, not a stretch. Me being a Good Mom? I mean, I've been working on that, so again, surprised that I've succeeded, but not stunned into a tharn state.

But me, pushing the boundaries of Mathematics? Does not compute.

Even if I, apparently, can.