Day One Thousand And Thirty-Four

Dear Diary,

It's weird. I know I mention I haven't been as sex focused lately, but that doesn't mean I'm having less sex or anything. Just that with the exception of noteworthy rizz or exceptional antics, I don't feel the need to talk about it so much. Thing is, I'm not sure how much that has to do with having the literal incarnation of lust trapped in the oubliette in my Temple.

Seriously, so much of here and now runs on metaphor, I'm not sure where that shit leaves off. As Mimic I am, as I was traumatized to learn at Yule, the living incarnation of Change. I mean, technically I'm the Elder Primordial of Change, but seriously, I can't think of anything about 'Elder Primordial' that doesn't jive with 'living incarnation', although given the lack of actual biological processes in Mom and I, I might be stretching the 'living' part. So I'm the Incarnation of Change.

I was trapped in a box. Well, the Mimic part of me was trapped in a box.

Sorry, still gives me the heebie jeebies, thinking about being locked in a box from the dawn of time until just recently. Leaves me unable to cogitate for a bit. Billions of years with nothing. Billions of years before first contact with another being. I can kind of remember it. Sort of. Like the fuzzy edges of a dream I can barely remember. Just the emotional response and the lack of interaction.

Anyhow, I'm the Incarnation of Change, I was trapped, and here's the bit where I'm wondering about metaphors and here and now reality, everything in this world was stupidly stagnant until the Keeper helped me break a single tentacle free of that box.

So, like, is the fact that I dropped the Incarnation of Lust in a hole she can't get out of why I'm not totally fixated on getting my groove on all the time? I mean, I'm still plenty active, but it's not at the forefront of my brain every waking moment. Which, oddly enough, has let me savor it when it happens a little more. Like in the past I think I was half thinking about the next time while I was still in the act, and now I'm not. Or, well, not as much. I'm still me, after all.

But that whole metaphor thing. If I kill her, am I gonna kill my own libido? Kill everybody's libido? If I eat her, am I gonna turn into a total hosebeast? Like, more than I already am? Fuck, if I eat a High Priestess, do I become a High Priestess? That would really suck. Even if it gave me a direct line to Ares, which would put that 'will versus will' connection in place, and I wound up overwhelming him, I'd still have that noxious toxic fucker inside my head. Shit, he might be able to take over my ladies, and that would not be good, because he's totally the type of asshole to grab Siobhan and make her do belly flops off the roof of East House. Which means I'd have to kill him in some kind of permanent way, but I might have the same kind of 'collateral damage' problems I have with other entities at that power level.

Fuck, now I'm even more conflicted about what to do with her.

I think what makes it even worse was spending yesterday afternoon babysitting her play date with Alexandra. No, it did not turn into an Orgy or Revel or anything else that was Obviously Sexual In Nature. Mostly they just sat there. At first Alexandra sat in the room's only chair, but after a couple of longing looks at me, I shrugged and said, "so long as she doesn't do anything to hurt you, I'm not gonna say or do anything."

That's when she moved over and sat in Aphrodite's lap. Leaning against her not unlike I'd do sitting in Marie's lap. or like Saffron or Siobhan would do sitting in mine. Quiet whispers about how they'd been treated, about what they'd done since Aphrodite was last able to connect to her High Priestess. At one point there was what I'd consider some light necking and... Maybe medium petting. Not heavy petting. Although frankly if Aphrodite has anything like my Gift Ecstasy Skill, the petting wouldn't have to be particularly heavy to be satisfying.

As I felt the sun setting, which wasn't as easy here in the oubliette as it was from outside, I cleared my throat. "I'm not unwilling to oversee more visits, since you've been careful with her, but I gotta get to my Revel, and forgive me for saying so, but I don't trust you with her at this point."

Aphrodite just sighed, but Alexandra stood up, walked over to me, and looked me right in the eye as she said, "would you deny one of your followers the right to pass from this world in your embrace?"

I stood there with my mouth open, kinda floored that Alexandra would ask that deep of a question. Then I closed it, shook my head, and lifted the two of us out of the oubliette. Karen stood there waiting. "Where am I tonight?"

She opened her mouth to speak, stopped, then shook her head. "New Amsterdam, Goddess."

"Something in particular I should know about?"

She shrugged. "You'll see when you get there. Which should be any moment now."

I snerked a little. "Point taken. Make sure she gets home safe?"

"I will."

I gave Karen a quick hug, made sure she had a firm grip on Alexandra, and dropped my Blend as I stepped to my Altar in New Amsterdam.

Where I realized immediately what had left Karen a little speechless. Yasmin, the oldest Reveler in my New Amsterdam congregation, laid out on my Altar almost like she was sleeping, Marie and Dana standing over her as if they'd been talking quietly. I held my breath as the two of them turned toward me, only letting it out when Yasmine's rheumy old eyes drifted open.

I let out that breath. "I thought you were dead."

She let out a sound that might have been a chuckle. "Won't be long now."

"Oh. Oh, shit. Is there anything I can do for you?"

She smiled weakly. "I thought that was what I was supposed to ask you?"

I shook my head, chuckling at the joke as I reached over, lifted her up, and pulled her to my arms. "Thought I'd made that clear. I'm here to support you guys. Not the other way around."

She kept smiling as I looked into that deep dark secret place inside her, although she whispered, "turn and turn alike, Goddess. We support each other."

"Yeah. Yeah, I can roll with that." I saw what she wanted, needed, craved more than life itself in these last moments. I slipped those hair fine tentacles inside of her as I sat down on my Altar, pulling her into my lap and cradling her, Shapeshifting larger to do so. In a Holy parallel to what I'd done to Diana when she was last Artemis, I disconnected a few nerves. Numbness isn't as good as bliss, but after so long in pain surcease of pain can be just as much of a balm.

The moment I removed her ability to feel pain, she relaxed into my arms, whispering, "thank you."

Then she kept breathing. She fell asleep. She dreamed. I felt her in my Maw, sinking like a fuckin' rock, tasting like some kind of fruit flavored rock candy. Citrussy, but more sweet than sour. Just the dreaming echo of her Soul, but still so intense I could feel it even while awake. Over and over she sank and dissolved, while in my lap, on my Altar, her smile got softer and broader but never quiet left. She'd been both right and wrong, all depending on perspective. A night isn't very long at all in the scheme of things, but it was an eternity to watch someone die.

But... Die without pain, without fear, without, and this kind of shocked me, regrets. As her chest went still and her body seemed to practically levitate in my lap, I looked at Dana and Marie, lifting her body up. "Take care of her?" Marie nodded and took the body from my arms. "I'll be right back."

I slipped to the other side, to M-Space, to the realm of Gods and Souls, the transition taking little more than the slightest effort of will here on my Altar. "Guh. Holy shit, Yasmine. Oof."

Yeah, I'd never had Grandma Aetos' Soul on my lap. Yasmin might not have been heavier than her, but then again she might have been. I wasn't right next to my Maw, where all my biggest tentacles hung out. I slipped my arms around her and pulled her snug to me as she chuckled at me. "Sorry, Goddess."

I shook my head. "Never. Never be sorry for being who you are. For being all of who you are. Just didn't quite expect that much weight on my lap just then. Sorry about the outburst."

Her eyes got a little wide at that, but all she said was, "what now?"

I thought about the taste of her, even that echo of her Soul, and very carefully did not say anything except, "that's up to you."

She just smirked at me and said, "you want to swallow my Soul whole, don't you?"

I shook my head. "No. I mean, yeah, it's a temptation, and yeah if that's what you want holy shit your dream self in my Maw tasted amazing, but that's not what I asked you. I asked what you wanted."

She worked her mouth a couple times, then shook her head. Finally she said, "I... Heard rumors?"

"About?"

"They say Old Archie sleeps eternally on your Altar in Calverton?"

I nodded. "I mean, as far as I know, yeah. That's what he asked for."

She took a deep breath. Then smiled up at me. "But you want to swallow me whole."

I closed my eyes. Took as deep a breath as she had. Sorta regretted it, with that whole smell of caramelized citrus in the air. "Yeah. Yeah, I do, but like I said, unless you're looking for that final checkout, that's not what's gonna happen."

"If I asked you to, though..." She trailed off, but clearly had more to say. I waited, time frozen and rushing past, until she said, "does it feel as good in person?"

I let out a low whistle. "I mean, I don't like it myself, but Saffron... Yeah, I think Saffron would tell you it feels even better."

She thought about that for a bit. "If I want to rest here a while, could I still?"

I smiled down at her. "Yasmin, this is your Afterlife. You're not just one of my faithful, you're one of the ones who's done the most for my people. Our people. What you want, you get."

"Will you come check on me? Visit me?"

I took a deep breath. "Shit. I want to. I'll try to. But you know my schedule. I get yoinked away from what I want to do all the fuckin' time."

"But you'll try?"

I pursed my lips. "I'm not gonna wake you if you're sleeping. But yeah. I'll try to visit."

"And if I'm rested, and I ask, you'll take me to your Maw and swallow me whole?"

I sucked my teeth a little. "Might just savor you a bit. Rather than gulping you down."

She laughed, a clear, sweet, quiet sound. "Oh, no. Not that." Then she went quiet and still. "I would like to rest here for now then, if I may."

I turned, laid her down on my Altar here in M-Space, and shifted her around until she looked comfy. "You need a blanket or anything?"

"No, Goddess... Thank you."

She went still. After a few moments waiting to see if she was breathing, I very deliberately did not facepalm, then stepped back to the New Amsterdam Temple. Her body was gone, and Marie stood there waiting. She head bunted me, her claws interlacing with my fingers.

Dawn came, lifting the two of us into the air and washing away the fatigue of holding Yasmin all night. Washing away the faint old person smell of her.

Didn't wash away the sorrow at the passing of one of my faithful. Or the joy at her choosing to remain part of my congregation, even in her afterlife.