Day Nine Hundred And Thirty-Six

Dear Diary,

Y'know, it still kinda surprises me how fast I've gone from a nobody who barely made it into the Academy into a full fledged Goddess. Okay, maybe that's not quite what surprises me, or what's surprising me right at this moment. What's got me is how fast I as Mimic have gone from a barely remembered bogeyman to a full fledged religion, and from what I can tell one of the more popular and influential religions in the Alliance.

I mean, yeah, it's possible that nobody really likes me, but I'm obviously the big dog in the pound, between being the one who throws down when someone threatens them, the Imperator's Patron, and the Matriarch of the Alliance Pantheon. Power brings its own kind of popularity, and there's always gonna be people who don't really give a shit who's sitting in the big chair. That's not to say they're all what I'd call sycophants, really. Just folks who want to get on with their life, who think that the folks in charge are always gonna be more or less the same, whether that means a vaguely protective force for an order that's made them prosperous, a vaguely threatening threat that exists to feed off folks who are struggling, or fuck, just some figurehead who sits in the big chair with the automated smoke blowing seat for extra internal warming.

Even back in the day at Eastside, I knew that wasn't true. The ability to be 'apolitical' is itself a form of privilege, and sure as shit nobody in Camden had that shit. Some of my classmates might not have been aware of how different political groups did different things, or even the same thing in meaningfully different ways, but then some of them ate paste with extra lead paint chips to add that crunchy texture. I realized early on that everybody with a suit wanted to exploit every poor person, every brown person, everybody they could possibly lock into some kind of exploitation milking machine, but even with that knowledge saying 'they're all the same' isn't true. There was a meaningful difference between the dude who wanted to render me for parts to sell to aging billionaires who wanted their pee pee hard again, the dude who wanted to time my piss breaks and dock my pay if I couldn't offload urine fast enough, and the dude who wanted his living sex dolls to look healthy and maybe be able to carry on an educated conversation. Trust me, that last one is a lot easier to exploit than the first, and the middle one only works out if you have a bladder of steel.

Shit, I don't actually piss or shit and I might not be able to live up to their inflated expectations.

Bit of a digression there, I know, but it matters to me which one people see me as. I'd love it if people in general saw me as a force for good in their lives, as karma for all the bullshit their ancestors went through. Fuck, even if all I fuckin' did...

Sorry, sorry, I know this is kinda fucked up hitting me now, but I think I needed time, I needed space, I needed to not be thinking of myself as the most noxious thing in the silt at the bottom of the ocean. Saffron said it. The biggest Change I've made since I got here. Kids live.

Okay. Yeah. I might have all kinds of problems with my urges, with my reactions, with all kinds of shit I'm not sure how to control, but if the only real Change I make in the world is that every kid lives, gets to grow up to be an adult, maybe that's enough.

Okay, no, I want them to prosper. To be kids, to have a time that they can look back on fondly as adults, even without nostalgia coloring everything. So maybe I've got more to do, but some of it isn't shit I can do very well. I'm a leg breaker, not a maker. Not in the way Saffron is. But maybe that's okay. Maybe her being a zealot, a fanatic, is gonna work out since the person she's decided to follow has said, 'kids are important, keep them alive, feed them, house them, teach them, love them', and she's based a shit ton of my new religion on doing just that. Fuck, she's based a shit ton of the Alliance government on that, I think. I remember back from that one update she gave me, the only places my Temples weren't hard focused on child care were spots where the local government jumped on it first. Which didn't mean we weren't going to, it just meant we didn't have to go balls to the wall to make sure no more kids starved, froze, or were trafficked or some shit like that.

Okay, the fact that my Temples are in fact also brothels as well as being orphanages leaves me with deep and abiding concerns, but I trust my Kitten. Shit, I trust Karen and Mads and Orla too.

At any rate, I really hope that people outside my Temples wind up happy with us. With me, really, since I'm sure that whatever shit I do is gonna spill over onto Saffron and the ladies, even if I'm trying my best to flatten shit pyramid out.

Maybe seeing so many kids live will help. Maybe so many kids growing up fed, housed and, hopefully loved by my Temples will leave them with some kind of positive feeling toward me.

I'm still kinda boggled by how fast I went from 'anathema' to 'Patron'. From reviled to revered.

So after helping make pizza for everybody yesterday, delivering it to the Dining Room, and making sure everybody was there and eating, including a sleepy Saffron being fed bites of pizza by Siobhan, I kinda mentally pinged my ladies. Where am I going tonight?

I got the sense of a hasty murmured conference, followed by Karen thinking, Phileo, if it pleases you, Goddess.

I stepped there, dropping my Blend down to normal fuzzy black me as I did. "Hey, you guys keep the schedule. I just show up and spend time with people." Right then, as I looked around at the congregation, I realized something. Kitten? Would it be okay if I told them to spread the word about the Spartans?

If you don't mind doing so as part of your Revel, I don't see why not.

Just worried about starting a panic or screwing up some plan of yours.

I still don't know how she does it, but I felt a gentle pat on my head. Thank you for checking, love, but all will be well. Then I got another gentle shove on my butt. Go on, they're waiting for you.

With that I turned to the congregation and raised my arms. Which kinda left me a little confused as to which direction to face, what with the Altar being in the raised center of the room. Finally I just kinda pointed myself at the entrance after waving to everybody. "Hey everybody! Thanks for coming out tonight. I'm sorry to harsh the vibe, but before we begin, I've got some serious news. Not happy news, either."

The crowd went quiet, and Karen, just loud enough to carry, said, "this is your Revel, Goddess. Should you think it's important enough, we are bound to listen."

I shook my head. "Nah, these Revels are for you guys. No, seriously, I love you all, and want to get to know as many of you as I can, to help as many as I can, and that's why I'm here. But," I sighed. "Sometimes helping means telling you all bad news, like I did with the Kaiju." A lot of people in the crowd tensed up. "At some time since Yule, a half dozen of our watchtowers along the coast were attacked by Spartans. The garrisons are missing. The Spartans themselves are now on the move. So be aware, spread the news, if anyone sees them let someone official, Hero or Clergy or Guard or whoever, know. We're hunting them down now, but I'd rather you guys stay safe than get surprised."

Oddly, the tension I'd seen dissipated, although some of it transformed into a kind of cocky anger. I even heard someone murmur, "like to see them try."

The fuck?

Karen chuckled. Phileo has never been stronger, Goddess. We've faced down punitive assaults from Spartans before. Yes, they might be dangerous. Yes, we in Phileo have never quite lived up to our lofty goals. But when someone threatens our City...

Everybody jumps in. I smiled at her. Good to know. "Okay, everybody. That's the news. Now, who's first?"

That got me a cheer, and a surprisingly passionate kiss from Dorothea, my first Worshipper of the night. As I settled us both on the Altar, I asked, "I thought you weren't into, y'know, the whole sex thing?"

She chuckled as she got comfy, one hand holding mine. "Just because I'm not interested in lovemaking doesn't mean I can't be joyous, or want to share that joy."

I smiled self-deprecatingly. "Okay, point. How are the kids?"

"I've got a new grandbaby on the way!" She beamed at me, which started a whole conversation about our kids and what they were up to. That lasted well into the night, and if a lot of the folks in the audience wound up Reveling in a 'more traditional' manner, plenty of them took their cues from us and formed little conversational circles or pairs. As Dorothea laid her head in my lap to drift off to sleep, I even heard some of them talking about what to do if the Spartans showed up. Some of it was pure macho bravado, sure, but some of it was genuine organization, ways to alert folks, how to know when to jump in and when to run the fuck away.

When she finally drifted off, Jack came up. Kinda funny, when I looked in that deep secret place in his head, I saw a layered mess of needs and wants. Wound up Blending us just enough to give us some privacy, then letting him sit on my lap with my arm around him while he ranted about what seemed like every person who'd ever worked or patronized the Temple. I mean, I get it, I've heard food service can not only be kinda torturous, it also can make the people working it less than easy to work with. I got the idea that since the last time he'd spent up here, he'd saved this all up, kept a lid on it, because he knew somewhere inside that screaming at his staff wasn't any healthier than screaming at the Worshippers or patrons of the Temple.

The fact that I gave him a couple consecutive hand jobs while he ranted was one of those things that might have seemed weird, but I couldn't help but be amused more than anything else. Like, his rant slowly got more and more disjointed as he got stiffer, then dissolved into incoherent word salad profanity as he came, then spun right back up into ranting. Eventually the verbal vitriol ran down, and what lurked inside his head definitely hit me as maybe not healthy.

"You know I'm not them, right?"

He sighed, nodded. "It's okay. You don't need to. I just..."

I put my fingers over his lips, shrinking as I did. "If this is cathartic play for you, and it'll help you get it out of your system so you can be a better... Well, treat people better? Maybe help them be less awful to you and others?"

He shrugged. "I... I don't know."

"But you still want it." He nodded. "Would you do this to someone without their Consent?" The sheer horror in his eyes at the idea as he spluttered out negation made my decision for me. I looked up at him, Shapeshifted, and clasped my forearms behind my back. "Well? Go on then. You've got my permission. Let it all out."

Had to push my Blend up a little more, because he definitely got mouthy. Not actually physically abusive, which kinda amused me, but that was definitely some top tier hatefucking. All of it done with him standing, most of it with him holding me up, which is why I'd Shapeshifted smaller. He wasn't weak or frail, but I'm normally a little bit big. Finally, after I'd Shapeshifted another half dozen times, not to mention catching another couple loads of homemade ranch, he slowed to a stop mid thrust, a look of shame creeping over his face.

"Hey, stop that."

"But..."

"No, you didn't do this to them. You asked if you could do this to me, to vent, to blow off steam. Now, you want my advice?"

"Please, Goddess."

I leaned, turning him around so his back was to the bed, my legs still locked around him. "First, when you wake up in the morning, if any of those folks who upset you this much are ones you see on the regular? Talk to them about it. Don't shout, don't yell, don't even really accuse. Just tell them what they've done to upset you. Talk it out. If you can't work it out with them, tell Karen. Let her arbitrate. But try not to let it build up like this again, okay?"

"Yes, Goddess."

I saw something in that dark place and grinned up at him. "Yeah, okay, if you need this again next time you're up here, I'll be here for you. Especially if you can keep being the guy who makes this place go without hurting anybody else. Now, can you do two more things for me?"

"Yes, Goddess!"

I smiled up at him, Shapeshifted back to my un-Blended fuzzy self, but stayed small enough for him to manhandle me. "See if you can return the favor once tonight?"

Yeah, he had some guilt, and honestly I didn't think he deserved it. He really had been bottling up a lot of shit that people handed him. Doing his best to do unto me in a 'see the Goddess' O face' kind of way let him purge the guilt of letting all that out. For a dude working in a brothel, his Skills weren't the greatest, but enthusiasm and persistence mean a lot, and I wasn't above lending a helpful hand. Well, a couple fingers, really all I needed, and his hands were busy holding me up.

Kinda proud of myself that I managed to trickle some Mana into Gift Ecstasy right in the middle of him staring into my eyes mid climax. Dude came like a fire hose and collapsed backwards, out like a light.

On the one hand, I felt kinda bad that there wasn't time enough for anybody else after that. On the other hand, Karen made it very clear that my Worshippers valued me focusing on each of them for as long as they needed. While holding me in her lap, still little, and necking with me during the remaining time until sunrise.

Eh, fuck it. If the worst 'unfair perk' my High Priestesses get is 'more Revel lip lock time with the Goddess', I think I can live with that.