Day Nine Hundred And Forty-Eight

Dear Diary,

There are a lot of bad parts about toxic assholes in positions of power.

Holy shit that's a statement with a lot of layers. First and foremost, me being me I've got a huge worry that I am in fact one of those toxic assholes. Seriously, I know my ladies are all into me and shit, and they blow smoke up my ass about how good I've been for everyone that I'm stunned that my farts still smell like pumpkin spice instead of bacon. While that lets me know that at least for some portion of the world population, most notably the Alliance, specifically kids in the Alliance, I've been an apparent completely beneficent force, I don't think any of them are really comfortable telling me when I've fucked up, especially on Deific business.

Yeah, sure, with momming or wifing, they'll argue with me, or more likely just state shit that has me arguing with myself, but I am, and this still boggles my fuckin' mind, the Moral Compass. That shit ought to be Siobhan's job, really, but then I'm not sure she would have the ability to enforce Good Behavior when it's needed. I mean, the obvious solution is I go to her with Moral Quandaries, then spread her wisdom around, but I think she might wind up erring on the side of tolerating shit that shouldn't be tolerated, because some shit is not just toxic, it's caustic.

That swings me back from the digression to my main point, which is about toxic assholes in positions of power. Now, there's the obvious problem of them being able to do toxic bullshit without consequence. I'd like to think I've begun fixing that shit, but despite being able to literally be in more than one place at a time, in some very real ways there's only one of me. Just one of me that can be in lots of places if I need to, but only one of me really thinking about shit and coming up with solutions for problems. Implementation I'm baller at, solving not so much. So that means there are still all kinds of toxic assholes stomping around in positions of power. I'd like to say that I can just go visit consequences on them all, but there's a side problem with them being in positions of power for so long.

Part of that is another bad part about toxic assholes in positions of power, which is that they're caustic. They corrode society in real, important ways. Humans are a eusocial species. Not a mindless or even animalistic one like ants or bees, but there is a lot of bonobo in our makeup. We work best in groups, our neurotransmitters stop functioning properly without enough skin-on-skin contact, and a huge portion of our mental faculties is devoted to working with others. Fuck, even the folks who were supposedly 'anti-social' back in the day really weren't. Seriously, anybody who thinks Autistic folks aren't social has never been to a fuckin' Anime Convention. If you've ever experienced an Autistic person infodumping, getting two of them with related special interests together winds up with them going back and forth like a pair of fuckin' furbies. I went to a couple Cons back in the day, and sometimes I'd come across little clusters of people just, I dunno, spouting fan facts at each other at a pace I could barely follow, and getting totally worked up in a grinning ear to ear sense.

Shit, I've rarely seen somebody get that worked up and not try to do the deed with the person who's got them worked up, which makes a whole fuckin' lot more sense to me than the goddamned vaccine theory. The odds that at least one of my kits isn't gonna be at least a little ADHD are slim, none, and who the fuck are you kidding.

So having some toxic asshole spread their caustic toxicity around, convincing people that everyone is bad, because that way they don't stand out, is just one layer of the toxic urinal cake. I think I've mentioned that before, the idea that it corrodes the trust that a society needs to remain cohesive. That in turn breaks down the social bonds that we as a species need to keep ourselves functional. Like, I get it, some people need more socializing than others, and I definitely understand how different people socialize differently depending on how their brains are built, but when people aren't getting the amount and type of socialization they need, they get really weird.

Maybe that's the dude who forgets how to language after spending his tenth year living alone in his cabin the woods. Maybe it's the chica who starts self-harming when she hasn't streamed and interacted with chat in twenty-four hours. Different people are different. But we're all, to some degree, social, and break down without our people, our tribe, our species around us.

Toxic assholes in positions of power fuck with that shit.

Then there's the reason I mentioned, the side problem which prevents me from just ending every motherfucker in power. It goes beyond just not ending the ones who haven't really done any harm, and maybe even show signs of having done some good, like Canta or Dionysus. The problem with toxic motherfuckers in positions of power is that some of their victims wind up becoming toxic themselves. Maybe less so than the original toxic asshole, maybe more so. Maybe they regret every toxic thing they've done, and need somebody to hold them down, tie them up, and de-brainwash them, at which point they can maybe start doing some good, because here and now a lot of the toxic motherfuckers have more than social influence, they have enough personal power that even if they give up all the social power, they can still do a lot of good with their own two hands. Diana comes to mind with that whole scenario, and so far I've yet to see her backsliding.

Yeah, she's from here and now, and she's probably done some shit like Marie taking our kids to an execution, but I can't tell every person in the world to do things my way. Okay, I could, but it wouldn't work. Or maybe it would, but that would make me even more of a monster than some of the toxic assholes.

Thing is, some of the toxic fuckers corroded and corrupted by the OG toxic assholes are gonna be irredeemable. The toxicity is a flipped switch that can't be unswitched, and no matter what they're gonna keep being toxic assholes and ruining things for everyone else.

Y'know, like people told me the Undead were. Utterly without the possibility of Redemption.

Fuck, I guess I know where my Kitten got that idea from now. Honestly, that's not one of the bits of my Doctrine that I'm upset about having. Yeah, it causes me conundrums like the one I just listed, where I've got to do a lot of Soul searching in other people's Souls to make sure I'm visiting consequences on those responsible rather than doing some really easy to fall into victim blaming.

Because that shit, victim blaming, is how a lot of inherently toxic assholes get away with the shit they do. They're raised with every advantage, don't have any serious fucked up trauma twisting them, and just choose to be toxic assholes, but if they just did that they'd either have to hide it or they'd face consequence. But if they point fingers at other people, muddy the waters, confuse shit so that people say dumbass shit like 'what was she wearing', all of a sudden the outrage that would have had them sitting on a spike slowly shifting shit until it stuck straight through their spine is gone, dispersed, and the mob's torches have burned out, their pitchforks need to get back to work, and the serial rapist gets to go looking for another victim.

Yeah, Alexandra very much struck me as somebody in that position. Fuck, when somebody without that Jotnar blessing is standing in near freezing weather wearing fuck all but fuck wear, and asking if she can come in out of the cold is a sort of distant second thought compared to the message her Goddess told her to bring me, I'm very convinced that she doesn't have a whole lot going on upstairs.

Yeah, I could be wrong. She could be such a cold, stainless steel bitch that her own bodily discomfort doesn't touch her, but somehow I just didn't get that vibe from her.

As I stood there looking at her, my eventual decision came down to 'fuck it, if I'm wrong she's small, I'm pretty sure I can yeet her to Olympus'.

"Come in."

Alexandra shuffled through the door. Well, doorway, since the doors were open. The moment she stepped through the Ward, which basically was when the warm air hit her, she blinked, spasmed, and toppled forward like a puppet with her strings cut. I didn't think, I just moved, and caught her before her hands hit the ground. I turned to look at Karen, who stood there gaping. I dunno what she saw on my face, but she flinched just a little. "I'm sorry, Goddess. I would have caught her, but..." So fast.

I chuckled. "Yeah, when I cut my brain out of the loop, I've got good reflexes." I lifted Alexandra up with my tentacles, because I felt some kinda way about giving her the princess carry treatment. "Do you have a spare room she can rest in?"

"You're certain?" When I gave her a questioning look, she shrugged. "I'm not certain if she's still High Clergy of Aphrodite, but some of the people living here at the Temple remember when she was."

I paused in my walk back to the sanctuary. "Is that going to be a problem?" Karen shrugged. "How much of what she did was her, and how much was Aphrodite using her as a sock puppet?"

Karen sighed. "I'm not sure. I don't know if anyone really is. Even she might not be, honestly. But some people might not care about that distinction."

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Still," I paused, made sure she was looking at me. "Redemption."

Karen took a deep breath, squared her shoulders. "As you will, Goddess. I'll make sure everyone working and staying here is aware of your wishes in this matter."

"Good." I thought about it as I followed Karen further into the Temple, headed for the smaller rooms that housed some Clergy, like Cherry. From what I remembered from my earlier visits, some of those rooms were also rented out to professionals who wanted a safe place to service their clients, too. As we walked down the hallway, I realized that a lot of the doors were standing open, with people practically carpeting the floors in those rooms. "What's up with them?" I asked quietly.

"In a City the size of Phileo, there are always those who don't have a warm place to sleep."

"I'm glad they feel safe enough to come here." I caught her eye again. "I'm proud of you that you've made them feel that safe."

She snorted as she opened a closed room at the end of the hallway. "Not all of them did. We rescued a few who had fallen asleep outside."

I paused, pulled her to me. "I'm proud of you for that too, Karen."

She snorted. "Well, it's only because of you that I can prance around in this," she waved at her Holy Garb, "in freezing weather safely." She blushed a little, then shrugged. "I just did what I thought you'd want done."

"And you nailed it." I nodded to the door. "In there?"

She stepped aside and nodded her answer. "This room has a lock, and isn't currently in use."

"Even with people stacked in those other rooms like that?"

She sighed. "We still have those who are willing to pay for private rooms, and those who only need them for a few hours. Or even minutes. We still need to buy food for them all. It helps keeps the rooms warm, too."

I realized she was right, but it still bugged me. "Okay then. One of us should stay with her, I think."

"I can..." She cut herself off with a huge involuntary yawn.

"Yeah, no. Go ahead, get some sleep. Have somebody send some food and water here though? Broth, maybe?"

She blushed a little at her slip, but nodded and headed out. "Locked?"

"Please." Not like it would keep me in if I wanted to leave, and this way I didn't have to worry about being mobbed.

I watched over Alexandra while she slept. By the time a kid acting as runner brought the broth I'd requested, Marie and I were serving dinner. I managed to get the broth into Alexandra without her ever really waking up, I don't think. Her eyes kinda opened, and she swallowed, but other than murmuring assent to being fed, she didn't really react. I soaked with everybody in the Bath, but when they all piled into bed, I tucked them all in but didn't join them. Saffron noticed.

"Are you certain you need watch over her so closely?"

I sighed. "On the one hand, I think she nearly froze to death. She was outside in the weather wearing not much more than we found her in at the Revel, and from what I remember Aphrodite is not a Jotnar."

"She might be a Selkie. Like Cherry."

"Okay, fair, but she's also sort of starving, I think, and even if all of that is a ruse, she's still Aphrodite's sock puppet. I don't know that I want that hose beast on the loose in my Temple."

She nodded, then held out her arms. I gathered her in for a good night kiss, then looked around at the Bedroom. "Not sleepy any more?"

Saffron grinned at me. "You're not sleeping tonight, it looks like, and I could use a nightcap."

"So I should go get Marie?"

She shoved me back onto the Bed." Oh, hush, you."

I tucked her into bed a while later. Co-Located to the top of the West Tower to watch my ladies watching a replay of that, with a little picture-in-picture view of Alexandra from where I watched her at the Temple. The general vibe seemed to be that they did not trust her very much, and I couldn't tell if they meant Alexandra, Aphrodite, or both.

If I managed to help her get her shit together enough, I'd have to find something for her to do as, like, actual Penance. Yeah, she might not be able to undo the harm she'd done, but even just working to help others might help others see her as somebody trying for Redemption rather than an ex-tyrant.

Of course, that would require her to be more than a mannequin, and even after she slept for like sixteen hours, when she finally sat up and let me spoon more soup into her, she sat there, passive. When I asked her to stand up and move around, she did, although she looked even thinner and frailer than she had in the entryway of the Temple. So I didn't have her move all that much. I Assessed her, and got back that she was malnourished and still exhausted, with recommendations of rest and proper nutrition.

While one of me babysat Aphrodite's once and future sock puppet, the rest of me did my daily things. Sitting and reading with Maze, listening to my musical girls, playing board games with the less athletic kids, supervising the rest when they decided to help clear the snow out of the Courtyard. I watched over Saffron and Tallulah as they did their Head of State things, and cooked and cleaned at the Academy with Marie. Okay, one pair of us kept sneaking off to canoodle in places we weren't likely to get caught.

Not places that were impossible to get caught in. If we just wanted to fuck like rabid weasels, we had a bespoke fuckbed in our own private slice of M-Space. Nah, the whole 'somebody might find us' was definitely part of the fun.

Sometime in the afternoon, part of me might have gotten a little impatient. "Didn't you say Aphrodite wanted to talk to me?"

Alexandra's head tilted to the side a little, her eyes unfocused like she was listening to someone. "Yes."

"I'm here."

"She asks if you would have me dead."

That took me by surprise. "I mean, I don't know of any reason I'd execute you. So no?"

"She says I would not survive as I am now. She thanks you for your consideration and care."

I rubbed at my face. "Can she hear you?" Aphrodite's High Priestess nodded. "Okay, Affie. We maybe got off on the wrong foot before, but I'm willing to hear you out. I'm also willing to help your High Priestess here get back to the point where you can incarnate safely through her, even if I think you doing so is both skeevy and maybe wrong. But before you do so?"

I waited, and eventually Alexandra said, "I Consented."

Took me a second. "Okay, yeah, but did you know what you were Consenting to? Did you understand it? And did you actually, or did Aphrodite tell you to say that?"

A tear trickled down the side of her nose. "I... Yes? No? I don't know?"

"Is she still listening?" She shook her head. I half wanted to reach through her, to drag Aphrodite here physically, but I wasn't sure if Alexandra would survive that, and I wasn't sure she deserved not surviving. So I sighed, shook my head, and said, "let's get some more food and sleep into you."

Now I'm fuckin' Team Mom for other people's Clergy.