Synthetic Shinobi (A Naruto and Nier Crossover Fanfiction)

The scene in the room was sheer pandemonium, a chaotic swirl of personalities, stubbornness, and—most of all—ramen slurping that could've woken the dead. Jiraiya lay stretched out like a poorly wrapped present, covered head-to-toe in bandages that only left a sliver of his face exposed. Beside him lay Sasuke, also mummified, glaring up at the ceiling with an expression of pure regret, as if every terrible decision in his life had somehow culminated in this—lying bandaged next to the loudest, most insufferable ramen fanatic in the whole village.

Tsunade, standing over them with her arms crossed and her foot tapping impatiently, looked like a volcano about to erupt. Her gaze zeroed in on Jiraiya with an intensity that could've drilled holes through walls. She nudged him hard with her toe, prompting a groan.

"You deserve every bit of this, you know?" she hissed. "Making me wait while you parade around like some idiotic—"

But before she could finish, a sound so ungodly, so offensive to the ears, reverberated through the room. It was a slurping noise that defied all etiquette, echoing off the walls like some haunting chant. Naruto sat cross-legged on the floor, face deep in a steaming bowl of ramen, her eyes wide with a ravenous, almost hypnotic focus. Her slurping was aggressive, mechanical, like she'd fused with the bowl and become some ramen-eating machine.

Sasuke winced, as though the sound alone could peel his bandages off.

Tsunade's eye twitched, but she tried to press on, her voice rising above the chaotic slurping. "As I was saying… I'm not interested in this Hokage nonsense. If Hiruzen wants to rot in that chair until he keels over, then fine. The village can collapse into rubble, for all I care."

Jiraiya, despite looking like he'd been run over by a herd of wild boars, had the gall to roll his eyes. "Come on, Tsunade. Hiruzen's ancient. You're the only one capable of stepping up. We need someone who can—"

"Step up? Step up?!" Tsunade's scoff cut through the room like a sword. "The only thing I'll be stepping up to is retirement. That chair is cursed! Every poor soul who's ever sat on it, everyone who's even thought about sitting on it, has ended up dead!"

At that, Naruto's head jerked up mid-slurp, ramen noodles dangling from her lips. She blinked, her gaze settling on Tsunade with unsettling intensity. "Wait, so… you're saying if I sit in that chair, I'm gonna die?"

Without waiting for an answer, she slurped even louder, eyes wide as saucers as if contemplating her own mortality. The sound was a grotesque symphony of broth and noodles, like she was channeling her very soul into consuming this bowl.

"If you keep up that racket," Tsunade muttered through gritted teeth, glaring daggers at Naruto, "you'll find out a lot sooner than that."

Naruto shrugged in her usual nonchalant way, not even slightly fazed, and went back to her ramen with even more gusto, as if trying to drown out every thought of death in a sea of broth. Meanwhile, Tsunade let out a deep sigh, rubbing her temples. "Hokages… they're idiots, every one of them. Just a bunch of fools who gave their lives for this village, leaving nothing behind but a statue on a mountain."

"Oh, don't worry, Tsunade—"

"Shut up, Jiraiya!" Tsunade barked, her voice snapping like a whip. "I'm done with your lectures!"

At that exact moment, Naruto's slurping came to an abrupt halt. Her gaze shifted from her bowl to Shizune, who was sitting nearby, clutching TonTon, her little pink pig, close to her chest. Naruto's eyes narrowed, zeroing in on TonTon with a kind of predatory glint that made Shizune's blood run cold.

"That pig…" Naruto murmured, her voice low and strangely flat, her eyes unblinking. "…looks juicy."

Shizune froze, blinking rapidly, clutching TonTon even tighter. "Uh… excuse me?"

Naruto tilted her head, entirely unfazed by the shock on Shizune's face. "I mean, just think about it, Shizune. Imagine how amazing my ramen would taste with a little fresh TonTon pork as a topping. Dattebayo." Her voice was eerie, disturbingly serious, as if she was proposing the most logical, reasonable idea in the world.

TonTon let out a terrified squeal, squirming frantically in Shizune's arms as Naruto's gaze stayed fixed, unwavering, on him. Her eyes glinted as she licked her lips, not in the normal way a person might, but in a slow, deliberate, almost robotic manner. It was as though she'd read about "hunger" somewhere and decided to emulate it for the fun of it.

Shizune's mouth fell open in horror. "TonTon is NOT for eating!"

Naruto looked back at her with an expression of utter calm, like she was explaining basic arithmetic to a small child. "Why not? Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good, don't they? Isn't that the whole point of this village? Sacrifice? It's practically the foundation of the Hokage legacy." She nodded, as if her twisted logic was undeniable. "Besides, it would be an honor for him to enhance the culinary masterpiece that is ramen."

"No! No, no, no!" Shizune's voice shook as she clutched TonTon even tighter, her knuckles going white. "TonTon is NOT a noble sacrifice! He's my pet!"

Naruto tilted her head, her brow furrowing as if genuinely perplexed by Shizune's resistance. "Think about it, Shizune. It's for the perfect bowl of ramen. A small price to pay for culinary brilliance, don't you think?" She leaned in closer, lowering her voice conspiratorially, like she was sharing a deep, dark secret. "I could even cut you a deal. You let me use the pig, and I'll give you the first bowl. Dattebayo."

Just then, Tsunade's patience snapped. She stormed over, grabbing Naruto by the collar, yanking her clean off the floor. Naruto dangled there, arms limp, entirely unfazed by the angry Hokage's grip, her gaze still firmly fixed on TonTon with that same unsettling hunger.

"What on earth is wrong with you?!" Tsunade shook her like a rag doll, her frustration at boiling point.

Naruto blinked, expression deadpan, and pointed a finger at herself. "Me? I'm perfectly functional. Dattebayo."

Tsunade's glare could have melted steel, but she let go, dropping Naruto unceremoniously to the floor. Naruto flopped to the ground in a heap, but instead of reacting, she just picked herself up with an eerie calmness, her gaze sliding back to TonTon, who looked as if he were seconds away from bolting. Shizune hugged the trembling pig tighter, while Naruto's stare intensified, that unsettling, calculating glint making Shizune want to retreat into the nearest corner.

Tsunade kicked Naruto in the shin, pulling her attention back. "Stop trying to eat my pig!"

Naruto let out an exaggerated sigh, as though she was the one suffering from unreasonable demands. "Fine. How about a bet, then? If I win, the pig's mine. You lose, you have to become Hokage."

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